U Mad, Bro? A Compilation of the Most Ridiculous Things That Inspire Anonymous Internet Fury

Alternatively titled “We Don’t Comment and Neither Should You” or “Facebooking Lawyering: Never A Good Idea” (See “The Sequel: Facebook Evangelizing, Even Worse”)

Unless you look like this.

First of all, don’t you think we should be in charge of writing titles for theses? Just take a quick pass through our Archives and tell us we wouldn’t be great at that. Unfortunately, this is a relatively recent skill, and we’ve turned in more papers than we’d like to admit with just “Title” typed in at the top, waiting for a burst of creativity that never came. How sad. However, let’s turn from the emotional problems of our academic past, and focus instead on the topic of today’s article: things people get really goddamn upset about on the internet that they wouldn’t dream of touching in person.

What’s that you say? “But Anya, Paul, isn’t that list absolutely endless? Isn’t the anonymity of the internet almost wholly responsible for the slow decay of modern society? Haven’t we all agreed that that’s how the kids these days are bullying each other?” Yes, sure, the internet is a double edged sword, the one ring to rule them all, with great power comes great responsibility. But we’re not here to tackle those kind of topics. Those literally are thesis material (holla Master’s students! We’re here if you need us, drop us a line if you need a title, or want this one), and we’re more the sort to make mocking lists.

Per usual, our realm of expertise is specific.

As people who spend a fair amount of time online (like WAY too much), we’re pretty experienced in the ways of online forums/comments sections/etc. As people who exist, we’re totally guilty of confirmation bias, in that we seek out articles and sites and discussions that support our beliefs. Perhaps unsurprisingly, our strongest beliefs are centered squarely on some of the most controversial issues, which means a guaranteed load of bullshit by the time we get to the comments section. YAY.

Things like women’s rights, abortion, gay marriage, and whether or not we should care about the Royal Baby are things we expect to be hot button issues, with vitriolic fights between the right and the correct. You can visit any page that so much as mentions these issues, and read a series of tired arguments and quickly devolves into name calling. In fact, like fights with our parents, we might as well not even have them anymore, since we’re freakishly good and predicting exactly how the conversation will go, down to the turns of phrase.

“And then she’s going to make passive aggressive comments about your life decisions.”

But there are other, stranger forces at work here. There are things on the internet that make people into monsters, tear relationships asunder, turn perfectly normal (?) people into vicious trolls the likes of which the undersides of bridges have never seen. Why people choose to be so personally offended about things that are so obviously none of their business is really surprising to us...haha but really. If you’ve read much of this blog at all, you’ll have noticed that we’re pretty sassy and pretty hard on the general public. We just so badly want to everyone to get it together and be decent to each other! And no matter how snarky we seem when we’re taking out our fury on our poor little keyboards, we assure you that we are actually very pleasant in person. Sure, we have our fair share of anonymous internet fury, but we’re not directing it at specific people, demanding their ritual sacrifice for having naturally blonde hair or following the paleo diet.

But we would totes turn some of them into rats.

We’re not firing off emails to our legislators full of incomprehensible punctuation and a very evident lack of research on the topic at hand. We’re not leaving nasty reviews on Yelp because we don’t understand basic veterinary medicine (holla at the lady who was mad that she spent money on antibiotics and her kitten got better so she “obviously didn’t need them”!) or restaurant etiquette (holla at the guy who had passive aggressive fights with a three year old and seated himself next to us at breakfast last weekend!). As much as humankind tends to drive us crazy, we do operate under the premise “innocent until proven guilty and then also benefit of the doubt in case you’re having an especially bad day”.

Here are the things we have found that the denizens of the internet cannot read about without instantly turning into dickheads of epic proportions:

1) Vegetarianism (or Vegans, or really any kind of specific diet)

If we have to read “PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals” or the pseudo science of why meat protein is actually essential to our diets one more time, it will be just another day. Or how STUPID the Paleo diet is because OUR ANCESTORS ACTUALLY ATE X,Y,Z AND EVOLUTION GUYZ”. On the flip side “I will be laughing as all of you meat eaters die horrific deaths from heart attacks and cancer because I will never get sick or go to tell because of my respect for LYFE”. Stop the diet shaming! At least on the internet.

You’re all this guy.

We’re sorry everyone is so goddamn annoying, but shut.the.fuck.up. Eat what you’re going to eat, don’t eat what you’re not, and stop making everyone’s life decisions about you. WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE PUTTING INTO THEIR BODIES? Literally we could not give two shits about strangers using heroin, why would we get on their dicks about carbs?

2) Talking during movies

Yes, we shit you not, the number of casual death threats over talking during movies is actually astronomical. Anya is a movie talker, and will never stop doing that. Her inability to stay silent during movies is something everyone around her has to either enjoy or put up with. HOWEVER, she would never do that shit in a movie theater unless it was empty or full of people that were being so inconsiderate that her “movie talking” morphs into “Can you honestly please shut the fuck up?” to the teenagers behind her. No one likes a loudmouth at the movies, let alone the cell phone answerers, the shriekers, and the children crying. Does that mean we have to summarily execute these people? No. Calm the fuck down and just get management to throw them out the movie.

Unless it’s this hot mess, then loud scoffing is allowed.

(To be fair, this type of inconsiderate behavior is often not an isolated trait, and if these people are just generally breaking the unspoken social contract, we support execution).

3) Breast feeding in public/any type of parenting shit

“If you’re not a mother you CAN’T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND” “I give no shits about your feelings, this is a NATURAL PROCESS OF FOODZ FOR MY BAAAAABY”, etc. Unfortunately, the Great Kate Wait has given rise to the number of articles about our least favorite thing: children. Doubly unfortunate: the mommy bloggers are out in force, reading these articles and showing their “tiger stripes” or “mama bear instincts” by being incredibly judgmental and shitty to everyone who is not a parent/wants to go out to eat in a child free environment once in a goddamn while. Let us just say, they are setting a terrific example for the next generation of entitled, self obsessed, the entire world must bow down before my very specific preferences assholes they’re raising. THANKS.

We know this list could be endless...what ridiculous shit have you seen on the internet that made you go “really?”?

[Fake Kate Photo by Alison Jackson]

Craigslist Ads We Didn't Publish

So we’re looking to move very shortly here, and despite the fact that leaving our office may drain us of the bitter fuel that keeps us going, as well as the time that we have in a typical work day to write for this blog (also money), it’s time to move on. In the course of our quest for relocation, we’ve been bumming around Craigslist looking for places to rent and potential third roommates to join this sainted pair. Since we assume you’re familiar with the internet, you know what a fucking mess of a situation the “housing wanted” section of that site can be. Craigslist is great, but it also the worst.

While Anya is mostly bothered by the sheer volume of “single mother with 4 year old needs help” posts (not because she is worried about them, but because she doesn’t want to live in the same apartment complex in which they end up), Paul is mostly terrified by the sheer volume of “WARNING- JEANINE ROSS IS A MOLESTER- DO NOT TRUST” type posts. Deciding against responding to anyone that has posted thus far, we’ve decided to write up our own ad and sift through the thousands of responses we’re sure to get by publishing our age and gender.

As two of the most judgmental people on earth, we’re pretty sure we can at least eliminate the weirdos. Honestly, we’re like those forensic analysts who parse through the letters that serial killers write to the police in order to diagnose what kind of fucked up they probably are and create a profile based solely on their word choice and sentence structure. So now all that’s left is writing up on our ad to publish, and wait for the replies to come flowing in. Here are the drafts that didn’t quite make that cut:

- $500-900 Two roommates seeking third

You’re third in line for everything in this house.

Platonic life partners seeking a roommate solely to cut down on the cost of living in this infernal swamp of a city. We expect to have overnight guests, wine and game nights, occasionally loud sex, and fun. Please do not expect to be included in any of these activities.

Us: twenty-somethings, incredibly attractive, look uncannily like siblings but are not. Hate people, sweating, cockroach infestations, and being robbed. Love puppies, air conditioning, cleanliness, and a roommate that will put their goddamn dishes in the goddamn dishwasher.

You: Will mind your own business, contribute to a third of living expenses, and confine your belongings (minus furniture that we can dominate) to your room. We’re only allowing you to bask in our glory because we want the extra space of a 3 bedroom apartment for the ferrets that will be moving in. You will respect their space and acquiesce to all of their strange and various whims. Not negotiable. No smoking, no loud noises, no guests, and no back talk. Must love dogs.

- Join us in (near) the tub? (not for sex)

Paul wishes he could pull off scruffy that well and Anya wishes her sock buns looked that effortless.

We’re a pair of young (under 35) and engaging (late-night cross stitching, binge baking, YouTube karaoke) professionals (hopefully soon-to-be) seeking a third to join (fund) our New City explorations. We’re looking for a three-bedroom, multi-level townhouse to hold us and our pets, hobbies (kombucha tea brewing, fad exercise equipment, Harry Potter reenactment), and boxes of hoarded ephemera.

We do not currently having a large or steady income, but hopefully we can work out some kind of arrangement (no sex) where we help out around the house to cover our rent. We take a lot of baths together and while we don’t actually want you to join us in the tub, we might let you refill our Death by Chocolate ice cream bowls (fridge should ALWAYS be stocked with Death by Chocolate ice cream). We may occasionally ask you to hold bags, camera, bags, or court for us. Reading our minds (from distances up to the grocery and video stores) is a must. Knowing a lot of hiring managers is a plus.

Please send fully-clothed picture with response. We look forward to embarking on this fun-filled New City adventure (involving absolutely no sex) with you.

- Make our dreams come true!

We’re a dynamic and spunky pair of young soon-to-be professionals. Do not currently have career prospects in New City, but need to move out of Hometown before we kill ourselves Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina style. Luckily, we have amassed a dragon’s hoard of gold between the two of us, and, despite our parents’ advice, are ready to sign a lease and spend it in search of a better life. Yay!

This is more or less exactly what we look like, minus the poodle.

Please be a young professional that either has a job or also has a shit load in your savings account. No nudists (sorry!), no old people in mid-life crisis mode, no children, no drug or alcohol problems, and most importantly, no bros or Republicans of any kind.

Preferably you are someone we would consider inviting to wine and Settlers of Catan night even if you didn’t live with us. If you are against wine or games, forget it. If you do not recognize the picture in this ad, also forget it.

-Two bloggers with no source of income seeking sexless financial arrangement

Are you in the market for a dog walker/house sitter/court jester? Do you dream of a matched pair of dark-haired light-eyed sex kittens to live in your house for free, utilities included? Then we are just what you’re looking for!

Our ideal household.

Anya and Paul are two snarky young people with limited financial means and a blog that gets an average of fifty hits a day, and we have the Google Analytics to prove it. We are willing to live at your house, rent free, and provide all pet care (no birds or snakes) that is needed. We can also water plants, do light vacuuming on an irregular basis, and make sure that all the hair goes down the drain while we shower. As of now, we shower separately.

Paul will make sure the bathtub stays clean by regularly taking four to six hour baths. Anya will make sure your mind stays sharp by sassing you and challenging every rule you can come up with. We will probably have sex, but not with you or with each other, and you can’t watch. We will provide entertainment as needed, in the form of lively debates on topics such as Game of Thrones theories and the virtues of cat ownership/guardianship. You may request a debate on any topic.

Prefer furnished, a/c is a must, high speed internet because duh, it’s 2013.

HMS Corgi

Full disclosure: we have regular conversations about the Queen and her corgis. The Quorgis if you will. And by regular, we don’t mean normal conversations that would arise betwixt normal people if, say, one of them makes news by producing Dorgis with Princess Margaret’s daschund, or upstaging Daniel Craig (RIP Monty). Nay, by regular we mean that at least twice a week, a discussion will come back to the Quorgis.

For example, despite the fact that we work in a public building full of notoriously nosey coworkers, and amidst a very opinionated sector of the public, Paul’s computer wallpaper is a stately photo of the Queen in her younger years, walking through a garden with her pups. Classic, black and white, fairly treasonous in our part of the country. We recreated Living Room
Bed  (more on this later) to stay up and watch the Royal Wedding in style, and speculated about which, if any, or the corgis would be invited. Would the Queen throw her weight around and sneak a furry companion into the reception? (Yes, but we’d never know)  Would those bastard Dorgis be allowed in or even near Westminster? (Ha! Never.) Would Will and Kate receive a puppy from the royal line as a wedding gift? (They don’t deserve it.) Could there be a better gift?! ( No!) Would we rather have an invite to the wedding or a corgi puppy from the Queen? (Ha. Ha.) Questions that quite literally kept us up that night.

So when we got to work last week, Paul and I fell immediately into deep discussion of all things royal, and naturally the herd of adorable that follows HRH Queen Elizabeth around.

I know those Dorgis were an unplanned pregnancy, but goddamn they’re a hybrid made in heaven

The conversation quickly went in the direction of absurd (shocking?), but in the midst of the absurdity arose my *genius* theory about the Queen and her pack. I’m pretty convinced that the Queen probably has a Corgi for every member of the Royal Family, and she spends time with them instead of hanging out with her actual relatives. Believe me, that sounds like paradise from where I’m sitting. I imagine she has a mischievous little gingery one that she always has to scold for taking off his collar and running around the gardens naked. Probably a really thin delicate Dorgi with long, silky brown hair about whose fertility she was deeply concerned. One that was once the most handsome of all, but is now losing hair in weird patches, but is somehow still the best bet for leader of the pack. A pair that kind of look alike, with giant ears and woebegone faces that she basically ignores. Then again, there probably isn’t a Camilla corgi at all, ouch.

Of course I can’t just leave it at that, so then I starting wondering if the other royals know about their Quorgi counterparts, or if she maybe has some sort of voodoo magic involved so she can fatten Kate up by feeding Dorgi Kate, or if Harry gets an earful thousands of miles away when she yells at the gingery pup. Do they have special protection? Do they live in the Corgi Room? Does she dress them up for holidays in a color scheme that is echoed by the actual Royal Family? Which one mauled Princess Beatrice’s dog?

Will and Kate? Nah.

I also think it’s fantastic that they are reportedly completely awful, spoiled creatures and everyone hates them except her, but people are too afraid to scold them for fear of her displeasure. As the owner of a couple of very unruly ferrets, I can totally get behind her attitude of “don’t touch them! they don’t like that!” snappiness combined with the expectation that everyone dotes on them the way she does. The Queen and I are basically twins. And I’m sure she would let a kindred soul hang out with her pack, right? Would totally move to England to be the royal Quorgi caretaker, and provoke the ire of every single other employee by doting over these monsters as much as she does.

I obviously need to purchase this as part of my uniform.

I’m going to give her a break for not reining them in, since it’s really the only way the woman is ever allowed to be even borderline rude to people. If I had to be perfectly composed all of the time, I would love to live vicariously through my pack of dogs and their bad behavior.

For more check out this glorious corgi slideshow.

-Anya

[Photo Credit: David Dyson, Camera Press / Redux]