Wednesday, February 27, 2013

HMS Corgi

Full disclosure: we have regular conversations about the Queen and her corgis. The Quorgis if you will. And by regular, we don’t mean normal conversations that would arise betwixt normal people if, say, one of them makes news by producing Dorgis with Princess Margaret’s daschund, or upstaging Daniel Craig (RIP Monty). Nay, by regular we mean that at least twice a week, a discussion will come back to the Quorgis.

For example, despite the fact that we work in a public building full of notoriously nosey coworkers, and amidst a very opinionated sector of the public, Paul’s computer wallpaper is a stately photo of the Queen in her younger years, walking through a garden with her pups. Classic, black and white, fairly treasonous in our part of the country. We recreated Living Room
Bed  (more on this later) to stay up and watch the Royal Wedding in style, and speculated about which, if any, or the corgis would be invited. Would the Queen throw her weight around and sneak a furry companion into the reception? (Yes, but we’d never know)  Would those bastard Dorgis be allowed in or even near Westminster? (Ha! Never.) Would Will and Kate receive a puppy from the royal line as a wedding gift? (They don’t deserve it.) Could there be a better gift?! ( No!) Would we rather have an invite to the wedding or a corgi puppy from the Queen? (Ha. Ha.) Questions that quite literally kept us up that night.

So when we got to work last week, Paul and I fell immediately into deep discussion of all things royal, and naturally the herd of adorable that follows HRH Queen Elizabeth around.

I know those Dorgis were an unplanned pregnancy, but goddamn they’re a hybrid made in heaven
The conversation quickly went in the direction of absurd (shocking?), but in the midst of the absurdity arose my *genius* theory about the Queen and her pack. I’m pretty convinced that the Queen probably has a Corgi for every member of the Royal Family, and she spends time with them instead of hanging out with her actual relatives. Believe me, that sounds like paradise from where I’m sitting. I imagine she has a mischievous little gingery one that she always has to scold for taking off his collar and running around the gardens naked. Probably a really thin delicate Dorgi with long, silky brown hair about whose fertility she was deeply concerned. One that was once the most handsome of all, but is now losing hair in weird patches, but is somehow still the best bet for leader of the pack. A pair that kind of look alike, with giant ears and woebegone faces that she basically ignores. Then again, there probably isn’t a Camilla corgi at all, ouch.

Of course I can’t just leave it at that, so then I starting wondering if the other royals know about their Quorgi counterparts, or if she maybe has some sort of voodoo magic involved so she can fatten Kate up by feeding Dorgi Kate, or if Harry gets an earful thousands of miles away when she yells at the gingery pup. Do they have special protection? Do they live in the Corgi Room? Does she dress them up for holidays in a color scheme that is echoed by the actual Royal Family? Which one mauled Princess Beatrice’s dog?

Will and Kate? Nah.
I also think it’s fantastic that they are reportedly completely awful, spoiled creatures and everyone hates them except her, but people are too afraid to scold them for fear of her displeasure. As the owner of a couple of very unruly ferrets, I can totally get behind her attitude of “don’t touch them! they don’t like that!” snappiness combined with the expectation that everyone dotes on them the way she does. The Queen and I are basically twins. And I’m sure she would let a kindred soul hang out with her pack, right? Would totally move to England to be the royal Quorgi caretaker, and provoke the ire of every single other employee by doting over these monsters as much as she does.

I obviously need to purchase this as part of my uniform.

I’m going to give her a break for not reining them in, since it’s really the only way the woman is ever allowed to be even borderline rude to people. If I had to be perfectly composed all of the time, I would love to live vicariously through my pack of dogs and their bad behavior.

For more check out this glorious corgi slideshow.


[Photo Credit: David Dyson, Camera Press / Redux]


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