Overheard in the Office: Last Small Town Edition

Well, we made the big move, and in doing so closed a chapter in both our real lives and the blog. Lots more to come about the parties, the good byes, the overall silliness of departing from our much beloved and much maligned former workplace. The rose colored glasses of nostalgia may start creeping on, but thank goodness we have a record, here on the everlasting internet, every time we need to remind ourselves just...you know...it was its own set of trials working there.

So without further ado, the finale:

About Paul and ferrets: ”You tell him ‘you just have to get used to it!’ While he’s watching tv sometime you should pick one up and sneak up on him and plop it in his lap! It’s fun to tease him sometimes, he’s always off guard!”
   -Spacey Secretary

“Is Paul going to share the apartment with you for awhile until he figures out what he’s going to do?”
   -Spacey Secretary

“She just couldn’t keep her hands off things!”
   -Faded Hippie

“Oh wow, how did it get to be the end of the day already?”
   -Faded Hippie

Um, I don’t know, because you’ve been chatting with people since 1:30?

“No Paul!?”
   -Faded Hippie to a lonely Anya sitting at the desk

“She is pretty cute; I’d want to spend my break with her too!”
   -Troubled Temp

“Do you ever take your kids to the pediatric urgent care? Both of my doctors are on vacation”
   -Spent Supervisor
“No, my kids don’t really get sick”
   -Big Boss

BECAUSE I MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL AND WE EAT ORGANIC SHIT MIXED WITH BREAST MILK, ALL FIVE OF US

“I always say I would have been a great wife and mother because I would pass all of these skills down, but I’m just waiting for Atticus Finch.”
   -No Boundaries

“So I went out with him to do all of these hives and the bees just crawl all the way up your arms but don’t sting you, and I was like, ‘This is heaven!’”
   -No Boundaries

One? Adorable. A swarm?

“Well, usually I would never make note of it, but he was African-American...”
   -No Boundaries

“Sometimes we get Arabs in here.”
   -No Boundaries

“I don’t look Asian anymore, but the doctors called me a mongoloid when I was born. Of course that was also what they called Down syndrome babies back then.”
   -No Boundaries

This picture might be offensive if she hadn’t insisted repeatedly that she’s a direct descendant

“Good Morning, thank-”
   -Paul/Anya/Soul Sister
“-Just No Boundaries!”
   -No Boundaries

“And I talked to a group of German students about World War II, and it really just brought them to tears. They feel so guilty! And you know, it wasn’t even them or even their parents that did it.”
   -No Boundaries

“Can you get out so I can finish?” (This honestly took place in the BATHROOM AT WORK)
   -No Boundaries

“At the time, I was dating this bartender/other bartender/Scot/midget/sex fiend/coworker...”
   -Overzealous Hire

“Don’t you think it’s discrimination that teachers don’t have to pay but homeschool parents do?”
   -Homeschool bitch on the phone
“Um, no.”
   -Anya

“I would kill for that tractor!”
   -High Schooler

Overheard in the Office: Moving Edition

As you may have heard (if you’ve read any of our entries from the past three weeks), we’re getting ready to move away from our childhood homes, the little “city” where we were born and have spent our entire lives. “Finally!”, you might say. “Congratulations, Anya and Paul! What an exciting time for two young people such as yourselves. Making your way in the Big City, moving forward in your careers (hopefully), paying your own bills, learning to use public transportation like pros, beginning the phase of your life where you can scoff at tourists instead of being one. Hooray!”

Look at how much fun I’m having in the great new city! What could possibly go wrong?

Those would be the things you might say if you were a functional person who learned of good news concerning someone you generally like. Other acceptable questions or comments include:
-Are you more excited or more nervous?
-That’s so exciting! Where are you going to be living?
(note: this does not include follow up questions or comments such as “with who” “how much are you paying for that” or “oooh that’s not supposed to be a very safe area”)
-This the best time of your life to do something like that, I’m sure you’ll love it!
-You’ll be fine!
-Everything will be fine.

This is all we want.

Unfortunately, while lots of people are still savvy enough to obey social niceties despite their misgivings on our behalf, and several even seem genuinely happy for us and enthused about the direction our lives are taking, quite a few others missed the boat. As you may have guessed from our ‘Overheard in the Office’ feature, our co-workers are among the top offenders, having missed the decency memo, and instead we have received a motley collection of passive aggressive comments, pointed questions, and what could be called advice if you were stretching the meaning of the word to its utmost.

Enjoy the following transcription of actual things people have actually said to us:

“How will you be able to afford to eat meat?!”

“Well...it’s good to be nervous...if you weren’t...I’d have to think you weren’t....all that bright?”

“I don’t want to pay like $6 a load for laundry as soon as I get there when I can just wash it all here for free!”
“Don’t be so cheap!”

“Are you going to be living in a high-rise?”
“Cardboard boxes are only one floor.”
“Hey now, maybe it’s a refrigerator box!”

“Oh...that’s like one of the most expensive cities in the world, isn’t it? Like how much are you paying for your apartment? So the two of you are living together then? Just the two of you? Oh, how many bedrooms?”

“So...what are you going to do?”

“Oh I lived there many years ago, back when it was safe.”

“Just make sure you know where you’re going. You can turn a corner and suddenly be somewhere you didn’t want to be!” (this one is actually legit, just a little terrifying)

“Ok who wants to serve cake and who wants to serve ice cream? It’ll be good practice for when you have to resort to working in a restaurant! Haha!”

“Well, you’re going to hate it for the first six weeks, and after that it could go either way.”

Here’s hoping it goes the right way?

Wish us luck! And looking forward to an upcoming article “Our Guide to Gracefully Handling Surprise Parties”, followed by “Our Guide to Accepting Compliments (Even the Back Handed Ones) Without Sounding Like an Asshole”. We’re a fount of excellent advice!

Overheard in the Office VI

It is time to once again visit the sticky wicket that is our workplace. We are counting down the days, fielding the rude and bizarre questions, and grimacing through the heaps of unwelcome “advice.” We’re pretty sure that we can make to our last day without completely losing our shit on an unsuspecting co-worker, but our pool of patience is rapidly draining. Luckily for you, our pool of office oddities knows no bounds.

Luckily for us, nobody at the office has ever been able to see through our fake smiles.

“They actually do make over-the-counter vertigo medicine. Would you like me to go grab mine?”
    -Frazzled Feminist

“My sister and I went hooking last weekend, we’re first time hookers!”
    -No Boundaries

If you only knew how many times we’ve heard some version of this REALLY FUNNY joke.

“You know, my husband used to live in New City when he was in the army and (whispered) he was the only white person on the street, but they were all nice to him, it was fine! They all like him.”
    -Spacey Secretary

“I have a funny girls story, want to hear it?”
    -That Guy

“And that was the first time I showed him my christmas tree.”
    -Edge of Retirement

“It looks a lot worse than it actually is, I just only keep giant bandages at home because that’s what I usually need.”
    -Overzealous Hire

“Oh wow, that haircut looks really good on you! It kind of reminds me of my brother’s from the ‘70s and he used to be quite the looker!”
    -Faded Hippie

“You’re not going to hire that girl who brought her mom along for her interview, are you?”
    -Paul
“Well, we’ll see if anybody else passes their drug tests.”
    -Spent Supervisor

At least we’ll be gone before the inevitable psychological breakdown.

“I’m just gonna check out some of the kids out here if that’s ok.”
    -Random Creeper
“Uhh...”
    -Anya
“Oh, sorry, my daughter’s here?”
    -Random Creeper

“And then the they sent me the Mormon bible, with gold leaf pages and my name embossed on the cover, and you know, I felt spiritually raped!”
    -No Boundaries

They can’t all come in the form of Emma Thompson.

Overheard in the Office V

We once again visit our always-increasing pool of typically absurd office quotes. Summer at the office has less members of the general public present, which is good, and also has a lot of our co-workers taking advantage of their salaried positions with unsanctioned constitutionals (that we know are not being taken out of their annual leaves), which is not great. All we can we do is laugh at their towering levels of delusional and count our (hopefully) numbered days.

“Sometimes I'm saying something really pedantic and then I realize I'm totally wrong!"
   -Faded Hippie

On a trip to Vegas:

“Well, I wasn’t propositioned once, but I guess I just wasn’t their type.”
   -That Guy
“Were you expecting that?!”
   -Other Co-worker

“I was the only one who had been there, so I was like the unofficial leader of the group...which I wasn’t too pleased with.”
   -That Guy

“Yeah, this weather is really flooding my backyard! My ornamental fish pond is filled to the brim!”
   -Faded Hippie

We snark, but it probably looks like this.

“Well she was taking care of her dying parents and I was taking care of my dying parents, so we didn’t see each other much.”
   -No Boundaries

Shoulda made like the Buckets and just shoved them all together.

“In my day, we called those fornicators’ pants!”
   -Grizzled and Confused

“You may speak with my supervisor, but that’s against our policy and she will tell you the exact same thing.”
   -Paul
“Spent Supervisor, [unreasonable request]”
    -Customer
“Eh... We can do that.”
   -Spent Supervisor

“I always say, if my sisters die before me, the family tree ends with me! It’s just so sad I never found anyone good enough for me.”
   -No Boundaries

“It sucks being deaf!”
   -Troubled Temp (Note: she is not deaf)

Oh bitch, you don’t know the half of it.

And let’s end this edition of Overheard in the Office with this the one gem in all of this crazy that we can actually get behind:

“Tomorrow night, I’m going to have a drink and a smoke and cause some mischief!”
   -Edge of Retirement

We hear you, girlfriend.

Half Baked Schemes: More Evidence That We're Underemployed

If you haven’t figured it out by now, we have quite a bit of time on our hands. Between fulfilling our job duties and managing our social obligations, we still end up with about four days worth of time with nothing to do but express our creative genius and talk shit to each other. If you weren’t jealous of our glamorous lives before, you definitely are now, sorry about that. Despite the outlet this blog has created for us, we’re full of schemes galore. Cooking up revenge fantasies for exes, ruining weddings, scamming our way into the professional world a la Bob Benson (minus the sexual slavery), etc.

We need to get out before we get this professional.

Nefarious schemes, one and all, none of which we can actually put into action without more or less destroying our integrity, and more importantly the moral high ground we seem to possess in every situation we encounter. We’re completely unbiased in that particular judgment call, of course, it just always happens that way! Crazy.

Many’s the time Anya has said “if only my job were more demanding, I wouldn’t have so much spare brainpower to spend on scheming and manipulation. It’s appalling how many fantastically evil things I have plotted and never put into action”. Alternatively, she could become a force for good but...ha. That’s boring. No, we’re not motivated by solving societal problems where the world’s greatest minds have failed. We’re more into coming up with some truly useless plots designed to make the world in our immediate vicinity more comfortable.

“Wouldn’t it be great if they had a thing where you just never had to leave the bathtub?” That kind of thing. “You know what we need? Something to just make us fall asleep at night without thinking and wake up feeling like a human at a reasonable hour. Like a nightmare zapper.” While those things will probably never come to fruition (guess we’re stuck with ineffective dream catchers and those trays you drape over your clawfoot tub to hold your erotica and/or snacks), we do have some slightly more thoroughly baked schemes in the making.

I’ll never leave!

If you make any of  these ideas happen and somehow make a bunch of money off of them...throw us a few bones or we’ll sue your ass(es). Unless it’s the child free ones, in which case please send us an engraved invitation and a free pass for life and we’ll let it go.

Our first idea was born of our opportunistic tendencies mixed with the impeccable timing of The Libertarian’s job interview. He was trying to decide on a place in his house to have this Skype sesh, one that looked professional and didn’t expose his bunkbed/tractor lamp/

kitchen/landscape wallpaper to the world. Which we just did, yay! Smelling a chance to make a few bucks off of the millions of unemployed people, we decided to manufacture a line of boring Skype backgrounds that send the right message to interviewers. Messages like “Look at all of these books behind me, I am an Educated Person!” or “I wasn’t lying about living in the area, look at this notable landmark out my apartment window!” or “Let’s both pretend I don’t need this job, at least for the duration of the interview!” We’re open to branding ideas. (Any thoughts on names for this product?)

Or you can use them to get out of doing the job you already have.

You’ve already read about our fake engagement videos on YouTube plot, which may not be a money maker, but then again who knows? Maybe Wonderful Pistachios will give us a commercial...”Anya and Paul do it insincerely!”. Faking a relationship is a slippery slope (especially in these dark days where even your grandmother can use Facebook), but in our situation it’s hard to resist the temptation. The demographics of our office are such that while a handful of co-workers have fully grasped our asexual, opposite sex but completely platonic relationship for what it is, and understand why there is no chance it will go further, most of the others are...well...over fifty and Republicans that really like Paul and can’t imagine that he’s not chasin’ skirts. You can see why we want to fuck with these people, can’t you?

We’ve dreamt up the worst office relationship you can imagine: fights at the office, having flowers delivered from other people giving rise to fits of public sulking, jealous rage inspired by talks with co-workers, confiding in all the wrong people about our issues, mixed in with an unhealthy dose of togetherness. Most tempting of all are those emails that our co-workers far too often send to their entire address book, possibly because they don’t know exactly how to use our email system, more likely because they’re widening the passive aggressive net for “To whoever left their coffee cup in the sixth floor sink for three days”. Reading the replies to those notes is always hilarious, but we’ve cooked up some truly cringeworthy “reply all”s that would expose our “relationship” to the office in terribly confusing ways.

But we kind of have to keep our jobs so...on the back burner it all goes.

Out of all the schemes in all the stages of baked, one really stands out to us as a money maker and a lifestyle. Child. Free. Days. We think every restaurant/theme park/zoo/store/place in the world really, should have days where children are not allowed to be there. Can you imagine the bliss? The relative silence? The ability to curse without people staring you down with murder eyes for perverting their innocent children’s ears? Walking around without worrying about tripping over creatures crawling on the floor? Since we can’t legislate good parenting, can we just kick them all out for ONE DAY a week? Fine, a month? CAN YOU IMAGINE A FLIGHT THAT DOESN’T ALLOW CHILDREN? We would pay so much extra for that shit.

Keep. It.

Make it happen, internet.

Any other brilliant schemes we’re missing? 

The Curious Culture of Office Parties

As regular readers may have guessed, we have complex love/hate relationships with almost every element of our work lives. Scratch that, every element of our lives, period. You might think the older we get, the more we would see those fifty shades of gray...but you’d be very wrong. It’s more like the older we get, the faster we vacillate between loving and hating with equal fervor. Is this adulthood, guys? We doubt it. To be fair, it’s not like we have been living and working with paradigms of maturity for the past twenty something years.

Two of the major players on our list of “Things We Can’t Live With or Without” are ‘free food’ and ‘co-workers making asses out of themselves.’ As you may have guessed, we may not have the healthiest of bonds with food (Thanks, Mom), and while our office mates’ constant fuckassery may be amusing, it isn’t making our work days any easier or doing anything great for our overall nerves. These two elements are, of course, combined in an unholy union during those horrifying and yet glorious spectacles known across the land as office parties.

Would that our office parties could match this level of dysfunction.

Unfortunately, instead of reveling in gorgeous clothes, awkward office romance, and after hours punch bowls full of the liquor with which our office is well stocked year round, we get something that looks more like this:

Sans smiles.

As if the holidays aren’t already fraught with diet killers and food enablers around every corner, offices are rife with So-and-So’s FAMOUS cookies/brownies/cupcakes/mac and cheese/potatoes/four course dinner. You know what’s not on that list? Salad. Don’t get us wrong, we’re as delighted as can be when we discover that Spacey Secretary has a big bowl of festive York mints on her desk, but the constant stream of free food is a blessing and curse. Knowing our coworkers as you do (because surely you’ve read up on them!), you won’t be shocked to learn that they have plenty to say about our growing (or shrinking) waistlines.

Eating habits aside, we make a point to show up to every office gathering possible, from birthdays and anniversaries (with the company and each other) to volunteer gatherings and building redesigns. Spent Supervisor avoids them like the plague, and maybe we would as well after spending 10 years with these guys, but the novelty has certainly not worn off on us. We also know that the real stories lie not in the food, but in the conglomeration of all the different kinds of office crazy in a confined celebratory setting.

We always grab seats in a corner, giving ourselves as wide of a view as possible (and preventing sneak attacks from Time Thieves), whip out our notebooks, and watch the awfully awkward office banter on non-work topics unfold. Since most members of each department hate each other (unless they are temporarily allied in their complaints of a different department’s low quality of work/disrespect for deadlines/general smarmy disposition), a unique set of cliques form. These small groups consist of: overly-religious loudmouths, people who have been at the company forever, aggressive knitters, smokers, carpoolers from the east, “foodies” (allergic to gluten/allergic to dairy/health nut/faux health nut/vegetarian/faux vegetarian/elaborate baker), confused newbies, and people who really are just there for food.

“Of course not, Mother, I’m only here for the food.”

Scattered throughout are the completely oblivious nice folks, like Spacey Secretary, who have never really figured out the rules of these parties and formed a table of their own, and are thus each trapped trying to make pleasant conversation on their table’s topic (“Well, I don’t have any patterns to share, but I did crochet an orange hat way back when for my high school boyfriend!”). No Boundaries tramples around the room forcing everyone to try their dish, which you’ll never believe was made with [surprising food substitute]/a recipe [dead relative] found on a box/a marriage ruiner, launching torpedoes of tolerance and planting mines of multiculturalism.

Perhaps the highlight of our year (at least when it comes to this particular topic), is the office Christmas party. Obviously we’re still thinking about it six months later...that’s how spectacular it is. Anya stumbled upon the party unexpectedly one year, and her shock and awe drove Paul to join her the next. This party has all of the makings of true office bullshit. Potluck? Check. During work hours? Check. No alcohol allowed? Check. Parody Christmas carols? Double motha fuckin check. Yes, we don’t just have carolers here...we have a freakish mashup of Dr. Seuss, Weird Al Yankovic, and Jingle Bells, sung aloud, by co-workers, in the middle of a totally sober afternoon. We experience these things so you don’t have to.

Exemplar of sophisticated humor.

Overheard in the Office IV

We (along with the rest of the internet) have been having a bit of a rough week after Sunday’s “The Rains of Castamere” Game of Thrones episode, despite being as prepared as we could have been for it. Thankfully, our office cohorts are as delusional and/or amusing as ever. We hope that in celebrating their numerous... quirks, we can do our small part in bringing you all back from the brink of despair.

“But what about ice cream?! Or cheese!?”
    -Spacey Secretary (on the Paleo diet)

“It’s still bad to be Russian, after the Cold War.”

    -No Boundaries

“Give me yucky weather and I can get here on time!”

    -Faded Hippie

“My family is going there for dinner tonight, you’re more than welcome to come if you want. Haha! But really...”

    -That Guy

"I have done very little professionally since getting this job and having my daughter, I'd like to get back into it."

    -Frazzled Feminist (whose daughter is 2)

“Wouldn't it be funny if you, me, and Anya all left at the same time? This place would just fall apart!”

    -Spent Supervisor

“Are you married? Do you have health insurance?”

    -Troubled Temp

"Can I get a snack?"

    -Child

"I don't know, do you have money?"

    -Mom

"Mommmmmm!"

    -Child

Channeling mother of the year, Betty Francis.

“Sorry that I’m running late today, the rehab center by my house burned down.”

    -Overzealous Hire

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

    -Married Guy (on unreasonable visitors)

“So was that a special someone or just a friend?”

    -No Boundaries

“...Just a friend.”

    -Paul

“Oh, that’s too bad! You know me, I’m always rooting for love.”

    -No Boundaries

Texts from Last Year Pt. 4: In Which Anya Needs a Therapy Dog

Welcome back to a series that makes us laugh almost as much as it makes us cringe, the last of our 2012 collection. Thank goodness. Catch up on our dysfunction here, here, and here. Don’t be sad that this is the end of another’s year’s worth of nonsense...be happy because we never stop accruing insanely weird text messages, and we’re always willing to share them with you.

The only reason this doesn’t happen is because neither of us have a cat

Judge if you must, but mostly appreciate the relationship we’ve cultivated, which not only allows but necessitates the following:

Monday, October 29 3:55pm

The Office quote of the decade “when you’re with someone, you put up with the things that make you lose respect for them, and THAT is love”

Thursday, November 1 6:16pm
Haha right? Anya’s Mom could just make a vest for Dog. They have dogs for people with autism, they HAVE to have one for me.

He’d be more convincing than poor Justice

Tuesday, November 13 2:15pm
Paul. Paul. I’m pretty sure I told Married Guy about my dog as a lobster costume idea and THEIR NEW BABY WAS A LOBSTER FOR HALLOWEEN! Oh, the feelings. The confusion. Almost weirder if I didn’t tell him.

Wednesday, November 14 9:42pm
I need to live tweet my reactions to Twilight, the movie, and the book.

Anya starts asking Paul a million questions and expressing her disgust

Wednesday, November 14, 9:47pm

Nope, I quit. Don’t want to ruin it. My fans need my true first reaction. I need that dragon dictation shit. Also, not sure I can confine myself to 160 characters.

This is exactly how it works in my mind. Only in some fab sixties clothes.

Monday, November 19 11:37am
Ladybird Johnson had pet raccoons at the white house and everyone loved them!

Thursday, November 22 1:13pm
Just got teary over a fucking folger’s commercial. Life is not good

Wednesday, November 28 7:10pm
I hope thankstaking and gamlumpagus is everything you wanted and more

Thursday, November 29 1:23pm
Maybe I should have a kid so I always have a built in excuse to call in to work and get four day weekends.

Friday, November 30 5:10pm
Totally picturing No Boundaries’ voice/tone/fervent head nodding that she does when she’s saying something super crazy and wants you to agree. Watching Soul Sister try to gently be like “well, I don’t think it’s really like that...” was priceless.

Thursday, December 6 10:52am
BITCH WE HATE GOT LAID OFF HOORAY

Making me feel glad that I’m not you

Thursday, December 6 12:55pm
It’s hard to do nice things for you to make up for driving me everywhere when the people in my life are idiots and when you don’t eat! Haha food is my fav love currency

Friday, December 7 11:06am
No she’s staying for now? Idk I guess Faded Hippie has some over-the-counter meds for these things.

Friday, December 7 1:37pm
He’s just so fucking obnoxious AND his kids don’t like Harry Potter. I told him he was reading it wrong.

Friday, December 7 1:42pm
I mean, this is coming from a librarian who doesn’t like to read and loves burn notice, why am I even surprised?

Thursday, December 13 2:38pm
Also, kombucha tea: What. The. Fuck. Can we try it? Dare we?

Thursday, December 13 9:27pm
This is what happens when you leave me alone

Because I’m chocolate Lab levels of pathetic

Thursday, December 20 10:10am
Oh NO, No Boundaries hugged me! It’s over.

Friday, December 21 9:56am
Ummm That Guy invited me to lunch today

Thursday, December 27 5:56pm
Your Anya Mom moment of the day: makes very clear her disappointment that something “made me so messed up” about children/pregnancy and then buys my tights and lipstick for NYE.

Thursday, December 27 8:50pm
Haha closest thing to a sext I’ll ever get

Friday, December 28 9:47pm
HOLY FUCK DID YOU KNOW THE EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS FAMILY IN OUR COMMUNITY’S MOM IS A LESBIAN?! AND IF YOU DID I AM SO ANGRY YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!