Texts from This Year: Paul Is Exposed

Don’t get too excited when you see “exposed”. It’s less like nudey Judies and more like “Hey Paul, isn’t it about time your dirty texting laundry was aired for the world to see instead of mine?” And he was like “Oh? Mmkay…” and here we are. Please enjoy Paul’s foray into the public eye, and respond enthusiastically so Anya can start sharing the hot seat!

First, the real live screenshots that Anya fully intended on continuing and then...didn’t.

Wednesday, March 20   5:57pm
I guess grandma had to go to the dentist to get new bottom teeth and a. She hasn’t had teeth for the past 2 days while they were fixing them and then b. This just happened:
GRANDMA: The dentist don’t look so good.
MOM: Ma, you haven’t seen him for 15 years!

Wednesday, March 20   6:20pm
Donna’s talking about “jezelle(?)” who looks like Lady, but taller, and longer, and bigger.
DAD: Jezelle doesn’t get along with Lady.
MOM: Jezelle doesn’t get along with anybody.

Wednesday, March 27   12:03pm
Watching [sweet old co-worker] “get into it” with [obnoxious old co-worker]. Frazzled Feminist is “mediating”

Wednesday, March 27   6:19pm
DAD: I’m telling you, wilted bacon dressing is the best. Hoffman House had a wilted bacon dressing to die for.
MOM: Hoffman House? What’s Hoffman House??
DAD: ...the place where we had our wedding reception.

Saturday, April 6   2:15
Lol that’s what I get for deleting his texts. They always know.

Tuesday, April 9   10:07am
On the last unit of my driver improvement course. Shit's getting weird.
"Bicycle lanes are for bicycles. Pretty obvious."
"School buses carry our most precious cargo (our children)."

Saturday, April 20   12:43pm
Frantic Friend canceled her (half) marathon... for the sake of sensitivity?

Sunday, May 26   5:14pm
That drug den skillet is not sitting well in my stomach

Tuesday June 18   2:04pm
sometimes i wish that you weren't dating someone, just so that we could use you as a tool to destroy other people's lives more often

Tuesday July 23   4:30 pm
I can’t hear ‘This Girl is on Fire’ without inserting ‘Bride’ in. I always kind of laugh and kind of hate myself at the same time. I wish I knew whether or not she was a huge cunt.

Thursday July 25   12:15 pm
I applied for a job at a Holocaust Museum. It’s in the gift shop though, and I’m honestly having kind of an ethical dilemma about it.

Sunday July 28   6:37 pm
The neighbors brought your parents wine?? Are they swingers?

Saturday August 3   8:25 pm
Da ya evah think to yaself “If eye fucking were an olympic sport...”?

Ending on a spectacular note with a series of texts that a sleepy Anya got from an increasingly drunk Paul who was out with this parents on this weekend away.

Sunday August 4   6:00-10:30 pm
Lol shit’s gotten really weird. My godfather’s wife asked if I ever “felt my grandfather’s spirit” in the house.
The Libertarian is good. It super weirds me out, but he’s different in a good way, like persimmons.
I picked the wrong beer. I’m drunk as a rude skunk.
No yay. i’m a rabid mammal
Izzit? I’m trying not to puke in front of my parents.
No biting, just hugging?
Ya, Im fime, just drunk
When are we going to watch the canyons?

Texts from this Year Part 2: Anya Redecorates

By this time you should have a pretty good idea of what to expect from our one-sided textual recap (golden moments of reality tv, the low bar set by our co-workers, and the ongoing power struggle between Anya and her mother). What’s noteworthy here is that this series of texts takes place during the month where Anya got her shit together (at least in one significant area of her life). Keep your eyes peeled for a tonal shift as we move forward, but don’t hold your breath for a pile of positivity (it still only comes in pops).

Tuesday, February 26  8:08pm
“it will be hot for him under the sun, yet he can’t go naked because of his alopecia” Lisa on giggy. And this is why I love her
Her fucking pomeranian has selective alopecia

Tuesday, February 26   8:11pm
They’re going to visit her stepson, who is now married to her friend, in San tropez. Context only improves it lol

Wednesday, February 27  6:01pm
You should ask him how getting his books published is going. “Couldn’t you at least get an ebook deal? No? Oof...”

Saturday, March 2  11:27am
My mother has lost what remained of her mind.

“No wire hangers, ever!”

Monday, March 4  6:36pm
Just saw a bumper sticker that says stop abortion now with the stop in a circle with a line through it. I can’t decide if I want to key it or not. You win this round, person with strong, but indeterminate abortion feelings!

Monday, March 4  6:37pm
On second thought, only the anti choicers would have such a stupid fucking bumper sticker.

Thursday, March 7  8:38pm
Also, is it ok that I’m plotting a bedroom with a fuckload of bookshelves but none directly over my head because I’m certain that my vigorous future love life will inevitably tumble them onto my head and I don’t want to be concussed by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

Saturday, March 9  10:31am
“expectations are premeditated disappointments” maybe that should have been our tag line

Saturday, March 9  11:09am
I mean this is supposed to be our for real last house so I can do whatever I want. Maybe staple Ivy to the walls and call it Secret Garden

Maybe skipping the rope swing of death. And the ghosts. And the cholera.

Sunday, March 10  2:39pm
Ahaha my mother HATES my room idea. That’s how I know it’s great

Sunday, March 10  6:21pm
Yup haha. Girlfriend, go visit the gym you fucking “own”!

Monday, March 11  6:31pm
Yeah I feel you. I’m resisting the seductive powers of crazy bread, it’s a challenge

Tuesday, March 12  9:06pm
Paul. Paul. Watching the dance moms explain don’t ask don’t tell, glorious

Bring ‘em back down to earth, Holly.

Wednesday, March 13  8:31pm
I need a catchy phrase for when reality television stars give a medical lecture as if they’re qualified to explain it

Wednesday, March 13  9:28pm
Now Kimmy is pretending to be an expert on private investigating. Realllly need a snappy phrase for this. celecturing? Celebrity lecturing? Ughh I need seamless blending. Like celebutante.

Thursday, March 14  10:15am
Also, Frazzled Feminist today: “sometimes I really loathe my job”

Thursday, March 14  12:04pm
Here’s to hoping I never reach a weight where people getting between me and my lunch hour is a joke rather than a reflection on their lack of consideration

Thursday, March 14  1:11pm
The number of times I have used my sneezes as a form of vengeful chemical warfare is frankly kind of disturbing

Also: saliva and pink eye discharge.

Thursday, March 14  1:26pm
Yes. I picture some evil person in another department tracking our internet movements and just blocking things as we go to them. Or Grouchy Co-worker specifically requested it.

Thursday, March 14  8:37pm
Icy hot packaging says I can wear one for up to 8 hours and no more than 3 times a day. I could be wearing it every waking hour and then some! Can I do my whole back like a mummy?

Thursday, March 14  8:54pm
But it ALL HURTS. What if I ask That Guy to apply them?

Thursday, March 14  8:56pm
Haha then the mummy back is ok?

Thursday, March 14  8:57pm
Or I could ask him to remove the one I just can’t quite reach...

KEEP IT.

Texts From This Year Part 1: Anya Is Never Getting Married

Once again, welcome to this creepy portal straight into Anya’s brain, now in 2013! Besties that we are, she often fires off missives to Paul that get at the especially ridiculous, weird, and inane shit that pops into her heard (Anya’s spelling. I’m unsure if it’s a typo or a new word to describe the ever-confusing combination of one’s head and heart, that extra “r” was an accident, but now it’s staying), and we’ve collected the highlights here for you. Catch up on past editions of this particular series here, and enjoy a journey through the last few years of pop culture, family drama, and outrage that are the running themes of our correspondence.

This edition runs the gamut from TLC’s descent into madness, to our co-workers descent into madness, to our descent into madness. So really a wide range! Enjoy, until the next installment:

Wednesday, January 2  7:13pm
Hahaha I’ll do a dramatic rendition of any quotes you bring back next time we’re at the bar. Soul Sister lost her shit about the 9/11 one. “Well my eighth grade class was supposed to go to New York for our trip but somebody had to go and ruin it for us!” “You mean terrorists?”

Sunday, January 6  12:03pm
Love of my life, light of my world, why hast thou deserted me?

Wednesday January 9  6:22pm
Thinking about getting out of sweatpants is soooo hard

Tuesday, January 15  10:25pm
Oh god extreme cougar wives is the greatest

The handfasting ceremony is what really did me in.

Tuesday, January 15  10:36pm
I would go so far as to say this is where TLC crossed the line

Thursday, January 17  6:21pm
I need to make a body cast of me now to remember how hot I was

Friday, January 18  5:41pm
I mean, Tel Aviv, right? That way if one of us is disappointed we’ll easily be able to find a #yolo Jew to fuck

Sunday, January 20  11:57am
Ugh my mom is already arguing with me about inviting the cousins to my wedding and then said “well let’s not even talk about it, it’s not like you even have one in the offing”

Thursday, January 24  10:16pm
When are we watching prosecuting Casey Anthony on lifetime?

Saturday, January 26  1:03pm
Yeah I figured that would be best. I hope Paul and Paul are actually there to amuse us with their complete lack of pretension (Oddly, these neither of these are *our* Paul, they’re the gentleman owners of a local wine bar that makes a big fuss about how COMPLETELY UNPRETENTIOUS it is. NO WINE SNOBS HERE, FOLKS)

Sunday, January 27  9:46pm
Most harrowing snow/sleet infested drive ever. Ever. I was about to call you with my last will and testament.

Sunday, January 27  9:54pm
Guess I should write that letter now that I’ve had a near death experience

Sunday, January 27  10:15pm
Single ladies dance?! You go you 65 year old minx

Sunday, January 27  10:16pm
Talk about vertigo

Wednesday, February 13  6:13pm
Teary about the friend zone. Just kill me.

Thursday, February 21 10  10:53am
Highlights: 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Big Boss uses the Internet in front of us and uses the word “sexy”. Frazzled Feminist tries to give a presentation. Faded Hippie expresses her extreme skepticism about all of it with facial expressions. That Guy claims Project A as his great achievement of the year, I claim implementing it as mine, unintentionally shame him while provoking laughter from everyone else.

Extreme skepticism.

Thursday, February 21  11:21am
Aaand Frazzled Feminist just dropped a 50 shades of grey reference. And Edge of Retirement is wearing her fighting cock brooch.

Thursday, February 21  10:14pm
“whose dog is that where the lips are falling off?”

Sunday, February 24  7:19pm
Anne Hathaway what in the fuck. Are those nipples or seams?

Honestly, Annie, get it together.

Monday, February 25  5:47pm
Haha if you give a mouse the benefit of the doubt

Monday, February 25  5:50pm
Eating my leftovers all alone now because my family is slugs

He Said/She Said: Our Weekend Away

Even apart, we’re together. Last weekend, we both had spontaneous and separately planned mini vacations to the same small resort town, Paul with his family from Thursday to Sunday and Anya for camping from Friday to Monday, because that’s just how melded our lives are. Welcome to He Said/She Said!

Vacationing with family is always...something...but this weekend we got extra lucky with the straight up crazy being thrown our way. No amount of texting “save me!” in the world really made this okay, but we’re reunited and it feels so good. Also, ready to publish the notable quotables, because why else do we do these things if not for blog fodder? Also, we love our families. Usually.

Weekends with the family rarely end well.

HIM

My grandma is almost 93. She is deaf, mostly blind, barely able to walk, diabetic, and slightly demented. She is thus unable to care for herself, but thanks to a heaping dose of Catholic guilt, she goes back and forth between my parents’ house and my mother’s sister’s house, desperately avoiding being tucked away in “the home.” Last week my mother made the three-hour trek to my aunt’s in Small Resort Town to drop my grandma off at my aunt’s. Upon realizing that my aunt’s husband (AKA Universally-Hated Uncle) was out of town, she decided to stay for a few extra days and convinced me to drive up and visit. My aunt has a child who is six and a hyperactive Hell fiend. My mother does not often swear, but upon my arrival, I was greeted with:

MOM: Between the young one and the old one, it’s a fucking zoo.

Which accurately set the tone for the trip. Highlights include fixing the lawnmower from the at-home tune up the ever unhandy Universally-Hated Uncle attempted, listening to my grandmother’s half-assed threats of suicide (remember the Catholicism), and an in-depth discussion about my mother’s first period at my super foreign great-grandmother’s house when she was ten. Further points of amusement/contention/sadness include:

GRANDMA: Paul, while we’re alone, I wanna ask you something.
ME: Okay?
GRANDMA: How come you don’t have a girlfriend yet? I’m not being nosy or anything, but you’re old enough now that you should be looking for one!
ME: Haha...
Extra great because for awhile Grandma thought that Paul was sowing his wild oats with both Anya and Swiss Miss. We are discernibly different to her based solely on our hair color.

GRANDMA: Where’s my purse!?
MOM: We’re looking for it!
GRANDMA: I don’t see anybody moving!

GRANDMA: I didn’t bring my comb; I look like a wild (adjective as noun) from Borneo.
AUNT: Ma, it’s a casino, nobody cares!

I will close with the exchange that I can only imagine occurs biweekly:

COUSIN: Do you still love me?
AUNT: I don’t like you.
COUSIN: But do you love me!?
AUNT: Not right now.

HER

I love my boyfriend and his family, but sometimes they kill me. The family is this insane combination of the nicest, most giving and generous people you’ll ever meet, and a pervasive and willful blindness of their white privilege that I have never before seen manifested in person. Not to mention what I would call problematic political and religious views. You’ll find yourself nodding away in sympathy as they’re telling a story, and then it takes a sudden political turn that veers into the “holy shit stop moving your head in agreement territory”. Worst case scenario, it’s fucking offensive, best case scenario there is some serious oddity going on. We decided to take a camping trip up to Small Resort Town to visit with the family, where a lovely time was had by all, minus, of course, these moments:

THE UNCLE: I guess she still wants to be a doctor. I think she should do radiology, being a radiologist is a good career for a girl that’s going to get married and have kids, you can just work Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

All you can hope for a daughter...

THE MOTHER: Oh yeah, their milkshakes are really good but I think they cook with some kind of weird oil, because last time I went there it was...not...good...digestively you know? So I would stick to the desserts.

THE FATHER: Well, we have running water in here, but it’s a limited amount, so just don’t use too much of it?
THE MOTHER: Otherwise we have to go get some and we really don’t want to do that, so maybe just use very little.
THE LIBERTARIAN: I mean, I could go get some more.
ANYA: I’ll just use the showers that are like twenty feet away?

THE UNCLE: For the past ten or fifteen years the crops haven’t been ready at quite the right time. It’s always something!
*ten minutes later*
THE UNCLE: Yeah, I mean look at this weather! Ha, global warming...right.
ANYA: *under her breath* it’s called goddamn climate change.

Tell it to this guy, asshole.

THE UNCLE: I can’t believe that they never really released his birth certificate, and it just took so long. I think we should impeach him with two weeks left in his term, just to send a message, you know? That we’re not taking this crap.

I close with an excerpt from a typical conversation:

THE MOTHER: This woman worked with me, and she was just not quite right. Like during her second wedding. Third wedding? Second wedding, third long term boyfriend? Anyway, she like couldn’t walk she was so drunk. She used to put alcohol in her coffee every morning, but she worked with kids! And her license was always getting taken away. But then I drove her sometimes because I wanted to be nice, but she was like addicted to working out. Once I was on the treadmill next to her, and her mother was having surgery and there she was at the gym! And tanning. All the men liked her, but I think she started doing cocaine too. Where was I going with this?

Domestic Terror III: Trust No One

What do you do when even your Scully has abandoned you(r expectations of reason)!?

And now, the piece you’ve all been patiently waiting for, the final chapter of Domestic Terror.  We’ve already taken a look at the feral animal husbandry of my own mother and the Libertarian’s mother, which might make you think that you’ve got this phenomena down.  Maybe you think you already know how this is going to end and you’ve already hypothesized that this is all about a misguided maternal instinct in middle-aged women whose children are in the process of leaving their homes. A symptom of empty nest syndrome, a sad commentary on the state of families today, when a grown child is as good as no child. A grand hypothesis that may be, but it is unfortunately about to be doubly subverted in our last case study.

Case Study #3 - Our very own Anya

That’s right readers, dearest Anya, our favorite highly-critical bundle of fun, is a secret friend to feral felines, or at least one particularly grungy neighborhood cat who frequently seeks solace in her garage.  On one evening during the final quarter of 2012, I drove over to Anya’s to do a Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video (filled with inspirational “Jillianisms”).  As I pulled into the driveway, I was alarmed to see a creature dart out of a bush as my headlamps illuminated the front of the house.  I cautiously made my way in through the garage, terrified that at any moment some other dark critter (probably a fucking raccoon) would jump out and attack me with a rapid rabid bite.  Upon safely making it inside, I recounted my harrowing adventure to Anya.  Instead of responding with surprised horror as I expected, she just shook her head knowingly.

ANYA: Was it a cat?

PAUL: A cat?  Like:

Yeah, I don’t think so.  I’m pretty that it didn’t have a tail.

ANYA: It was missing a tail?  Then it was probably Garage Cat.  He’s also missing most of an ear.

PAUL: ...Garage Cat?

ANYA: I guess he broke away from that feral cat colony up the street and has been in the garage a lot. Like basically whenever we leave it open. Both of the dogs have been sniffing around a lot and we’re like ninety percent sure he peed in here at some point. You know cats.

PAUL: So, it’s more like:

ANYA: Technically.

PAUL: Great.

ANYA: Well he’s sad! And you know how I am about handicapped animals.

And yes, readers, you did read feral cat colony correctly.  The neighbors up the street have a literal horde of feral cats that they have been feeding for months out of their back door.  Nobody knows exactly how it started, maybe there was a lonely and compassionate middle-aged woman à la the Libertarian’s mother, who started feeding one sad neighborhood cat that quickly multiplied into 50 neighborhood cats who were then all dependent upon her for their survival.  Regardless of how they got there, they are now the bane of the neighborhood, especially to Anya’s mother, hater of all things unsightly.  

That was all that was said on Garage Cat until the following week.  I was over again in the evening for a “rest night” of Pilates.  We were hydrating in the kitchen when Anya’s mother returned home.  She walked into the room with a disgusted look on her face.

ANYA’S MOM: We have got to stop leaving the garage open.  That damn cat has been back, the whole garage smells like pee.

ANYA: Oh yeah?

ANYA’S MOM: Didn’t you smell that when you got home?  You haven’t been feeding it, have you?
ANYA: No.

ANYA’S MOM: You better not have been, girly girl!  Do you want our house to look like the [neighbor’s], with new kittens popping out of the porch every hour?  Uh uh, ain’t gon’ happen, and not just because we have a showing this weekend!

Life should always look like a scene from Better Homes and Gardens.  There are no feral cats in Better Homes and Gardens.

After retreating to the basement, we stretched and settled into our Pilates routine.  During the Hundred, I asked Anya about Garage Cat, after having remained silent throughout the exchange between her and her mother.

PAUL: Jesus, how many more?

ANYA: We’re not even halfway there!

PAUL: Ugh, fine, okay, question:  You definitely haven’t been encouraging Garage Cat to stick around, right?

ANYA: ...Not exactly.

PAUL: That wasn’t very convincing.

ANYA: Well, I might have given him a tiny bit of turkey, but it was Thanksgiving!  And it was so cold outside and it’s not like I was going to eat it. And some gravy. And some rice, but he didn’t want that.

PAUL: Are you - kidding - me?

ANYA: It was Thanksgiving! And he’s sad, and I’m afraid he’s going to freeze to death!

“This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe, does that mean anything to you?”

“No.”

“Who are you!?”

So there I was, and here I remain, lost and oh so confused.  What is it about these horrifying varmints that caused these individuals to form these attachments with them, causing them to reach out and attempt to care for these wild animals?  Anya has a clear picture of the potential consequences of her actions right down the street, but that did not stop her from giving her Garage Cat a Thanksgiving feast.  These women are all pet owners and nothing is stopping them from going to a shelter or store and getting an additional pet that is certain to be healthier and safer option than the disease-ridden selections they seem to be interested in, or helping out at a rescue or Humane Society.  So why?  I think it would be lazy to label these curiosities as maternal reactions, particularly when one of the perpetrators is Anya (who you should by now realize does not have a maternal bone in her body).  Is it simply compassion for these beings that everyone else finds repulsive?  I would posit that there is thus something important about these animals “selecting” the homes of these women for shelter.  Our subjects grew attached to these specific animals, perhaps out of some kind of obligation or because they felt special or chosen.

But hey, what the fuck do I know?  All I need is three instances of something bizarre for me to label it a ‘disturbing trend,’ and off I go.  Maybe you know somebody in your life who has formed this connection and you think it’s nuts too, or maybe you’re one of those people and you can write me paragraphs of how cold and unfeeling and judgmental I am.  What say ye?

In closing, I present an anecdote courtesy of Anya, who has the privilege of conversing with Spacey Secretary at least twice a day.

SPACEY SECRETARY: (out of the blue) I have of those motion detector lights on my house, you know.

ANYA: Oh yeah?

SS: Yeah, you know the kind that light up when something is moving out there?

ANYA: Yep.

SS: And the other day, it went on, and I said to my husband, what could that be? I wonder what’s out there, you know.

ANYA: Oh wow.

SS: So I thought, well maybe I’ll go out there and see. So I turned on the light and went out and I have a bird feeder, you know.

ANYA: Uh huh.

SS: Yeah, so I looked under this bird feeder and I saw...this really big...opossum! *widens eyes*

It continues in this vein for some time...ending with:

SS: My husband doesn’t really like it when I feed animals that come to the yard, you know. So I thought, well, maybe I’ll sneak him out some ham or something. (puts a finger to her lips, as if Anya is going to call her husband and spoil the opossum’s dinner).

They’re all in on it.

-Paul

Phony Facebooking and Bullshit Weddings

I have a contemptuous relationship with the public sphere (despite have an online blog thinly veiled with anonymity), which causes me to look rather disdainfully on those who update their Facebooks, Twitters, and Tumblrs with pictures of every meal and notes on every trip to the bathroom.  What’s even more offensive to me than these transgressions are when people use social media to share things that I find extremely personal and private (e.g. mourning the death of a loved one, the start or end of a serious relationship, professional failures).  It always comes across as extremely disingenuous and causes a series of negative reactions in me, from disdainful scoffs to livid phone calls (“Anya, what the fuck is this!?  Why is Failed Freshman Math posting ‘it sux that ur mom died, bro’ on Elementary Companion’s Facebook!?  Can I send a nasty message?  Can we take a golf club to FFM’s car!?  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.”).

So perhaps you can understand why I had a strong reaction when I logged onto Facebook and discovered that my Conservative Cousin (conservative in political views only; girl dresses like cheap call girl) had a secret wedding.  Towards the end of last week, Conservative Cousin posted a blurry picture of a tacky diamond-looking ring, which caused me to pause and wonder, “Is that an engagement ring?  No way, Movie 43 was in theaters longer than she’s been dating this one, it’s probably just her standard mobile update of whatever jewelry/hooker heel/too-tight dress she’s currently sporting,” and went about judging the other posts on my newsfeed.  Fast forward to Saturday, when I pulled up my web browser to see pictures of her in a white veil and mini dress posted from “Paradise,” Nevada, which I quickly learned is someplace within Las Vegas (the wedding district? A skeezy motel?).  And it’s obviously not actually a secret wedding if she’s posting all over Facebook about it, but none of her family members (including her parents, of whom she is the only child) were present at the wedding or invited (I can only assume), so I guess it’s more like the actual definition of eloping, which always strikes me as completely bizarre to actually do for anyone who isn’t a pair of star-crossed teen lovers.

Ah, to be 14 and have absolutely no concept of reality.

My thoughts in approximate order:
“Of course.”
“Thank god I didn’t have to go (to this one).”

“I have to have call my brother.”

“Here’s my trump card for whenever Mom tries to make me see her/be nice to her or defends her in any way.”

“Can you have a bachelorette party by yourself?”

“Wait, is she actually  wearing- Yep.”

“The ‘sanctity of marriage’ at its finest...”

After getting over the initial glee and subsequent critiquing, I called my brother and announced, “Drop whatever you’re doing and get on Facebook.  Go to Conservative Cousin’s page and enjoy.  I’ll wait.”  He did so and we had a nice group chuckle.  After a brief debate over whether the dudebros from the “reception” were random douchebags or friends of her husband’s (siding with randos), we discussed how to break the news to our mother.  While we were both having quite the time over this revelation, we doubted that our mother would find it quite as humorous as we had.  In lieu of making a belated Save the Date with one of their classy Vegas hotel pics, it was decided that I should just call her and relate the story in a serious-sounding manner.

“Mom, I have some bad news for you.”

So I attempt to call my mother to inform about the wedding in the least-mocking way I can manage.  Her response is that of disbelief, in a literal sense.

MOM: Paul, you know how goofy Conservative Cousin is, I’m sure she’s just kidding around.

PAUL: Mom, there are like pictures and everything.  It’s not like a fake Facebook marriage with your clearly platonic friend.

MOM: See?  You just said that it’s a thing that people do, I’m sure it’s that.

PAUL: Ugh, not the same thing at all.  Those are done to hide the end of a real relationship and then it’s with somebody who’s your best friend, and possibly in a relationship with somebody else, and everybody who looks at it instantly knows that it’s a joke.  You don’t do it with somebody you’re actually in a relationship with!

MOM: Paul, you know I’m not on Facebook, I have no idea how it works, I’m just sure that she’s pulling some kind of prank.

PAUL: Whatever, Mom.  I’m coming over tomorrow and showing you pictures.

Parents just don’t understand.

The next day upon arriving for dinner, I kept my promise and asked her to meet me in the computer room to settle her skepticism.  I pulled up my cousin’s Facebook page, where my mother was greeted by her new last name, and proceeded to walk her through the three-day engagement, lowest points being the her self-application of the wedding make-up in a public restroom with feet visible under stalls and reading her vows from an iPad.  As we neared the end of the rueful reception, before my mother tried to unpack what she had just seen.

MOM: Huh...  I really thought she was just kidding around, but it sure doesn’t look like that, huh?

PAUL: Nope.

MOM: Can you go back to the picture of them where they’re holding hands at the front of the... wherever they are?  Hmm...  Last time we visited, I met two of Conservative Cousin’s boyfriends.  I think he was one of them, at least.

PAUL: ‘Cuz that makes everything okay.

MOM: I’m not saying it’s okay, Paul.  Her mother is not going to be happy about this.

PAUL: How could anyone be happy about it!?  She’s insane!

MOM: Now Paul, you know that she has that ADHD.

PAUL: Mom, you CANNOT blame her secret Vegas wedding on her ADHD!

MOM: Part of it is making impulsive decisions!

PAUL: There’s the need for instant gratification and then there’s eloping. IN. VEGAS.  That’s nuts, no matter how you slice it!  And by the way, you’re welcome for not being the kind of child who would ever do that.

MOM: Never say never.

PAUL: What?

You may find his inability to pay attention in class annoying, but just wait until he grows up and gets a tattoo on his face!

Am I being a little harsh on a family member who deserves my love and support?  Maybe you think I should be a little less scornful, but our being related doesn’t change the fact that she has essentially zero redeeming qualities (she’s made jokes about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, so... there’s that).  You could also argue that I’m a complete hypocrite for criticizing anyone’s hollow-hearted online presence when the forum I’m using is a public blog, but as Anya is wont to say, “When did I ever say I was fair?”  Am I alone here in perceiving rampant insincerity in our online interactions?

-Paul