10 Hottest Hollywood Jews

We’re ending an incredibly hot week with a blog article about some incredibly hot people. Because the temperatures outside literally will not allow us to voluntarily raise our own body temperatures, we spared you by choosing pictures of all of these sexy people in some of their...cooler...moments. Basically we’re making the case that yes, anyone can look pretty frickin delicious when they have a team of four to six people dedicated to making them look really, really good for an hour and a half of walking down a well laid vermillion carpet, but these ladies and gents look better at their worst than we do at our best. And by “we”, we mean “you”. Sars.

Because we’re so into equality, we divided our list (almost) evenly down the gender line. Because we’re also into the Chosen People, we did not divide our list evenly down the faith line. Jews only today, folks! To be fair, we did not put a shit ton of effort into fact checking the Jewish credentials of these people (but we’re pretty sure the same goes for the folks as Buzzfeed, whose strangely-ordered list last week inspired us to one up them), because the internet says it’s true, and also we don’t care that much.

1. Natalie Portman

We're just going to cut the bullshit and start at the top, and there is no arguing about this, Natalie wins every “Top 10 Hottest” everything, ever. She is the best looking human the world has ever known, and if you think differently you have poor taste. Nat is our girl crush, the only lady Anya allows her boyfriends to admit is hotter than she is (if they deny it, they’re lying). The best part is, it’s not just her perfect face and perfect body that puts her at the top of our list. Israeli born genius, Harvard graduate, vegetarian, need we say more? Plus, she loves her dog and she did that fantastic rap on SNL. Finding a picture for this article led us straight down the rabbit hole of “God, even bald she looks amazing” “Wow, has she EVER taken a bad picture EVER?” and most telling of all: “Ugh, I even want to be her when she’s pregnant”.

Even her goddamn mom hair is inspiring.

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

“Joe” as his friends call him, (that’s us, Joe’s friends!) Mr. Gordon-Levitt has been a favorite of Anya’s since...she laid eyes on him? He charmed us even as a slightly pathetic lovesick puppy in (500) Days of Summer, and redeemed himself in Inception. Remember when he was in Batman and he was super fly in that uniform? Remember how great he looks in a suit? Remember how he said “most pretty girls aren’t funny” and then apologized and felt like an asshole and we actually believed him which is unusual in this day and age? We enjoy that he, unlike Nat, appears to be operating on our plane of existence. Some days he looks like a million dollars, some days he looks like a normal person, but he also seems like a sweetheart.

“Paul, who is that guy that looks like James Franco and Heath Ledger had a perfect lovechild?”

3. Eva Green

Arguably the classiest Bond girl, Eva Green ran rampant over Daniel Craig’s secret agent heart in Casino Royale, and left us sad for the first time at the death of one of his booty calls. She’s sassy, just the perfect amount of weird, and we love her foreign flavor. It doesn’t hurt that she also played one of our favorite heart-breaking witches, Serafina Pekkala (sorry Willow!), in the ill-fated movie adaptation of The Golden Compass. Even when she’s being all French and languid and slightly consumptive, she’s a force to be reckoned with.

And look, science!

4. Jake Gyllenhaal

Ah, Jake. This makes Anya feel a little old, but he was one of her very first crushes after the onset of puberty, and the heartache she felt when he and Kirsten Dunst adopted a puppy together is unmatched to this day (by any other celebrity couple’s demonstration of commitment). Those blue eyes! That invariably spectacular hair! And we’re not sure if this is just great management on the part of his agent, or fact, but Jake always comes off as a good guy in his movies. Like painfully good. If he’s actually a douche, he deserves an Oscar just for fooling us for the past decade and some change. Subtracting points for his short lived relationship(?) with Swifty, adding points for his reaction to her song about him(?) which was: Silence.

Too busy giving no fucks and calling Anya while wearing his flannel plaid.

5. James Franco

It seems like the older he gets, the more of a douchebag James Franco becomes. Anya was pleased when he decided to go to Yale and do some learning, but we all know how that went. And remember when he hosted the Oscars and we all had to spend like three hours feeling bad for Anne Hathaway? And then she was nominated for an Oscar and we had to spend like three months regretting our former pity? ALL HIS FAULT. However, the reason he is getting away with all of this bullshit is clearly his exquisite looks! And he does seems to have a selectively good sense of humor. There’s something in most of us that is conquered by his broody, dark eyed, slightly off kilter mosey through life, and if he can keep milking it, good for him.

Not interested in hiking with him though.

6. Jesse Eisenberg

It’s hard for us to separate Jesse Eisenberg from his excellent portrayal of on-the-spectrum asshole Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network, and we’re not really sure what that says about us given that and his placement on this list. Like an attractive Michael Cera, he’s made a career out of playing bumbling man-boys with communication issues. At first glance, he may not seem like much to look at, but once you get past the fuzzy mop and permafrown, you’ll notice his blue eyes and a bone structure that would make a lot of male models jealous (they’re probably not, however, jealous of his spindly little limbs). Jesse is also a vegetarian who apparently really like cats. We’ll take it.

He also manages to act using only two faces: smug and pondering (pictured here).

7. Rachel Weisz

First point for Rachel: she’s English. We obviously have a deep seated affection for our brethren across the pond, and she is no exception. Second point, if you haven’t seen The Fountain go see it RIGHT NOW because it’s an incredible movie with another incredible actor (Hugh Jackman, only missing from the list because he’s not a Jew), directed by an incredible director, Darren Aronofsky (To whom our girl Nat owes her Oscar and who is missing from our list because he’s not that hot, although he is Jewish).

Unapologetically rock that cardigan, girl.

8. Paul Rudd

I think we all know how Paul Rudd made this list...he’s fucking hilarious, and that can really do a lot for your attractiveness factor. But he’s not just funny, he’s also smart enough to do some pretty incredible improv, and we’re suckers for wordplay (shocking, right?). Even if he weren’t super famous, he’d catch our eye on the street (or in the office) because of his unrelentingly happy golden retriever smile. Seriously, it’s very charming. He’s one of those people that would be a great or friend’s boyfriend, but not someone you want to actually be in a relationship with. While we appreciate the earnest energy he’s always giving off, we prefer our men of age, in that magic trifecta of physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tall order, we know.

Loving the purple, less so on the gut.

9. Josh Bowman

We’re just now realizing our list leans slightly older than we initially expected, with beautiful Brit Josh Bowman being the youngest entry on our list. He’s also the most attractive in the traditional sense, coming to fame for his role as the dreamy Daniel Grayson on the soaptastic Revenge (Paul hasn’t watched past the first season, but hopes that Daniel is still alive and successfully stealing Emily/Amanda’s heart away from dopey Jack). His teeth (or veneers) and nose look pretty great for a former Rugby player. We predict a bright future for Josh of playing young and pretty rich boys and distinguished and pretty rich men.

Some were tougher than others to find “normal” screencaps for.

10. Idina Menzel

What’s not to love about this wacky Broadway lady, with a set of pipes that give us goosebumps and a sexy husband worthy of her greatness? Nothing. We loved her as sassy, eternally self absorbed and terrible Maureen in RENT. We loved her even more when she originated Elphaba in Wicked because holy shit if you haven’t listened to her sing “Defying Gravity,” you are not living life even a little bit. And she did a jazzy remix of “Pokerface” that we listened to our on waterfront drive to Santa Cruz that is fantastic. She’s got a great name, a great voice, and even Glee couldn’t ruin her for us.

Nor could this terrible hairstyle.

Things That Go Bump in the Night: Our Perfectly (un)Reasonable Fears

Late one night this weekend, Anya was hanging out in a vacant house that is under significant construction, reading a murder mystery. Shockingly, this is not the story of a drug deal gone bad (or good, or at all) nor is she in the habit of purposely scaring herself. She does not enjoy being afraid, HATES watching horror movies, will never visit a haunted house, not into it. (I have distinct memories of doing that “Bloody Mary” thing in front of the mirror in a darkened bathroom as a ten year old, and my descent into self induced terror ended there.) She is pretty easily frightened, like that one time she was watching Law and Order: SVU and that guy who skinned squirrels killed his mom and laid in bed with her corpse and she had to call Paul to come pick her up because she would not leave the couch for fear of squirrel skinner in the house, waiting to butcher her. We were probably twenty? Yeah.

Anya’s family loves SVU and would happily sacrifice her for an episode based on their loss.

Anyway, she was sitting alone in this pretty chilly, pretty empty, pretty creaky house that her parents are remodeling, and she was 110% sure that someone was lurking in the basement and/or garage, waiting to chop her up into pieces. Obviously, that didn’t happen. Or if there was a lurker, they decided to wait another day to strike (great, now I will NEVER finish ranking the fabric swatches my mom wanted me to look at!). Anyway, petrified Anya made it through, but we assume many of you can identify with this. It can be super spooky to be all alone in an abandoned building, with sounds of mysterious origins coming up through the vents. Horror movies have taught us, that along with snakes, spiders, porcelain dolls, and clowns, nothing good can come of this. We’re never shocked when someone tells us they are afraid of heights, rollercoasters, someone hiding under the bed or in the back of their car, etc.

Thank you, The Cabin in the Woods, for making laugh and giving us horrifying nightmares.

Of course, we can’t be normal here. Sure, we’re freaked out by basically all of the above, but we also have some rather strange fears, and some even stranger things-we-should-be-afraid-

of-but-aren’ts.

Let’s start with Paul, since Anya already gave you a peek into her crazy head. As a child, Paul spent New Year’s Eve in the family room, watching whatever coverage his parents preferred of the ball drop. They had snacks, played some canasta, made a night of it, fun was had by all. Little did he know his life was about to change dramatically. He and his little brother heard some mysterious scratching at the front door. Immediately alert, they crept slowly toward the door, playing cards still clutched in their sweaty little hands. Peering out the window, what they saw on their front porch would haunt (one of) them forever. A bloodied raccoon was darkening their doorstep, scratching wildly at the door. To this day, Paul swears that it was rabid and coming from a recent fight, purposely expiring on his doorstep.

Is a quiet evening with Kathy and Anderson so much to ask for!?

Since that fateful day, Paul has had what some would call a strong aversion to raccoons. Others would call it an irrational fear. Anya would call it a character flaw, as you could probably guess based on her fondness for disgusting and feral animals. It only causes problems in our relationship when Anya insists on sending Paul pictures of raccoons.

Pure evil.

But it’s not even the most irrational of fears. After all, a rabid raccoon COULD be lurking in your bushes/in the backseat of your car/in your walls, and it COULD jump out and bite you and you’d have to get an unpleasant series of rabies shots. (Worst case scenario, shots. Come ON, Paul!) Although this next fear is even less reasonable than a fear of raccoons, it causes fewer problems in our relationship, probably because we’ve both got a touch of it.

Have you ever been going about your business, whistling a merry tune, unfolding your picnic blanket when suddenly something pops out of your makeshift tablecloth? It’s moving?! It’s a snake!!! OH FUCK! But then it’s not moving, and upon closer inspection, it’s rubber.  Your picnicking companion is lying prone in the peaceful meadow, weeping tears of glee at their clever prank and your horrified reaction. This is as a good a time as any to end the relationship, because what kind of person plays such a lame trick and then rolls about helpless with mirth? A fucking psychopath with a terrible sense of humor.

Could be worse.

I think most people would be startled and fearful in the above scenario (rubber snake prank, but also applies to being trapped in a remote location with a serial killer). Unexpected vermin are never good, and unexpected venomous vermin are even worse. But what if you knew the snake was there? What if you were fully aware that there was a rubber snake glued to the bottom of your picnic basket, and every time you packed or unpacked it, you were going to have to store your watermelon alongside its fake rattler? Most people would probably get used to it, and do that crazy thing your brain does where it stops seeing things that are always there.

Not us! There is a rubber snake that was cleverly(?) planted in our office some time ago, by someone who should have retired some time ago. He’s pretty goddamn attached to this snake, and it’s just WAITING right in the supply closet. Sometimes arranged as if it is poised to sink its fangs into the next person who needs letterhead, sometimes guarding the paperclips, the snake is a menace. And even though we both KNOW it’s in there, we have to take deep, steadying breaths before reaching into its hypothetical range, terrified of its hypothetical slithering/biting/scaly fang stabs. Our secret shame, now you know, world! (or the six of you that are accidentally reading this)

Neither we nor this middle-class Suri are amused.

Another thing that terrifies both of us in equal measure is those Weimaraners with hands. You know the ones? They wear the suits and their silly, dopey heads just hang out while their HUMAN HANDS GESTURE AROUND EVERYWHERE?! UGH. Honestly, we can’t even bring ourselves to Google it and provide you with a picture, you’re going to have to do that yourselves. What began as a mild childhood discomfort while watching Sesame Street, has grown into an acute adult affliction.  Fuck. That. Noise. Enough said.
 

Check back for a future entry with increasingly irrational anxieties, as well as a fun compilation of things we should be losing sleep over, but aren't.  Anyone with us on these nutty fears?  What weird shit scares the pants off of you?