Texts from This Year: Paul Is Exposed

Don’t get too excited when you see “exposed”. It’s less like nudey Judies and more like “Hey Paul, isn’t it about time your dirty texting laundry was aired for the world to see instead of mine?” And he was like “Oh? Mmkay…” and here we are. Please enjoy Paul’s foray into the public eye, and respond enthusiastically so Anya can start sharing the hot seat!

First, the real live screenshots that Anya fully intended on continuing and then...didn’t.

Wednesday, March 20   5:57pm
I guess grandma had to go to the dentist to get new bottom teeth and a. She hasn’t had teeth for the past 2 days while they were fixing them and then b. This just happened:
GRANDMA: The dentist don’t look so good.
MOM: Ma, you haven’t seen him for 15 years!

Wednesday, March 20   6:20pm
Donna’s talking about “jezelle(?)” who looks like Lady, but taller, and longer, and bigger.
DAD: Jezelle doesn’t get along with Lady.
MOM: Jezelle doesn’t get along with anybody.

Wednesday, March 27   12:03pm
Watching [sweet old co-worker] “get into it” with [obnoxious old co-worker]. Frazzled Feminist is “mediating”

Wednesday, March 27   6:19pm
DAD: I’m telling you, wilted bacon dressing is the best. Hoffman House had a wilted bacon dressing to die for.
MOM: Hoffman House? What’s Hoffman House??
DAD: ...the place where we had our wedding reception.

Saturday, April 6   2:15
Lol that’s what I get for deleting his texts. They always know.

Tuesday, April 9   10:07am
On the last unit of my driver improvement course. Shit's getting weird.
"Bicycle lanes are for bicycles. Pretty obvious."
"School buses carry our most precious cargo (our children)."

Saturday, April 20   12:43pm
Frantic Friend canceled her (half) marathon... for the sake of sensitivity?

Sunday, May 26   5:14pm
That drug den skillet is not sitting well in my stomach

Tuesday June 18   2:04pm
sometimes i wish that you weren't dating someone, just so that we could use you as a tool to destroy other people's lives more often

Tuesday July 23   4:30 pm
I can’t hear ‘This Girl is on Fire’ without inserting ‘Bride’ in. I always kind of laugh and kind of hate myself at the same time. I wish I knew whether or not she was a huge cunt.

Thursday July 25   12:15 pm
I applied for a job at a Holocaust Museum. It’s in the gift shop though, and I’m honestly having kind of an ethical dilemma about it.

Sunday July 28   6:37 pm
The neighbors brought your parents wine?? Are they swingers?

Saturday August 3   8:25 pm
Da ya evah think to yaself “If eye fucking were an olympic sport...”?

Ending on a spectacular note with a series of texts that a sleepy Anya got from an increasingly drunk Paul who was out with this parents on this weekend away.

Sunday August 4   6:00-10:30 pm
Lol shit’s gotten really weird. My godfather’s wife asked if I ever “felt my grandfather’s spirit” in the house.
The Libertarian is good. It super weirds me out, but he’s different in a good way, like persimmons.
I picked the wrong beer. I’m drunk as a rude skunk.
No yay. i’m a rabid mammal
Izzit? I’m trying not to puke in front of my parents.
No biting, just hugging?
Ya, Im fime, just drunk
When are we going to watch the canyons?

Texts from this Year Part 2: Anya Redecorates

By this time you should have a pretty good idea of what to expect from our one-sided textual recap (golden moments of reality tv, the low bar set by our co-workers, and the ongoing power struggle between Anya and her mother). What’s noteworthy here is that this series of texts takes place during the month where Anya got her shit together (at least in one significant area of her life). Keep your eyes peeled for a tonal shift as we move forward, but don’t hold your breath for a pile of positivity (it still only comes in pops).

Tuesday, February 26  8:08pm
“it will be hot for him under the sun, yet he can’t go naked because of his alopecia” Lisa on giggy. And this is why I love her
Her fucking pomeranian has selective alopecia

Tuesday, February 26   8:11pm
They’re going to visit her stepson, who is now married to her friend, in San tropez. Context only improves it lol

Wednesday, February 27  6:01pm
You should ask him how getting his books published is going. “Couldn’t you at least get an ebook deal? No? Oof...”

Saturday, March 2  11:27am
My mother has lost what remained of her mind.

“No wire hangers, ever!”

Monday, March 4  6:36pm
Just saw a bumper sticker that says stop abortion now with the stop in a circle with a line through it. I can’t decide if I want to key it or not. You win this round, person with strong, but indeterminate abortion feelings!

Monday, March 4  6:37pm
On second thought, only the anti choicers would have such a stupid fucking bumper sticker.

Thursday, March 7  8:38pm
Also, is it ok that I’m plotting a bedroom with a fuckload of bookshelves but none directly over my head because I’m certain that my vigorous future love life will inevitably tumble them onto my head and I don’t want to be concussed by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

Saturday, March 9  10:31am
“expectations are premeditated disappointments” maybe that should have been our tag line

Saturday, March 9  11:09am
I mean this is supposed to be our for real last house so I can do whatever I want. Maybe staple Ivy to the walls and call it Secret Garden

Maybe skipping the rope swing of death. And the ghosts. And the cholera.

Sunday, March 10  2:39pm
Ahaha my mother HATES my room idea. That’s how I know it’s great

Sunday, March 10  6:21pm
Yup haha. Girlfriend, go visit the gym you fucking “own”!

Monday, March 11  6:31pm
Yeah I feel you. I’m resisting the seductive powers of crazy bread, it’s a challenge

Tuesday, March 12  9:06pm
Paul. Paul. Watching the dance moms explain don’t ask don’t tell, glorious

Bring ‘em back down to earth, Holly.

Wednesday, March 13  8:31pm
I need a catchy phrase for when reality television stars give a medical lecture as if they’re qualified to explain it

Wednesday, March 13  9:28pm
Now Kimmy is pretending to be an expert on private investigating. Realllly need a snappy phrase for this. celecturing? Celebrity lecturing? Ughh I need seamless blending. Like celebutante.

Thursday, March 14  10:15am
Also, Frazzled Feminist today: “sometimes I really loathe my job”

Thursday, March 14  12:04pm
Here’s to hoping I never reach a weight where people getting between me and my lunch hour is a joke rather than a reflection on their lack of consideration

Thursday, March 14  1:11pm
The number of times I have used my sneezes as a form of vengeful chemical warfare is frankly kind of disturbing

Also: saliva and pink eye discharge.

Thursday, March 14  1:26pm
Yes. I picture some evil person in another department tracking our internet movements and just blocking things as we go to them. Or Grouchy Co-worker specifically requested it.

Thursday, March 14  8:37pm
Icy hot packaging says I can wear one for up to 8 hours and no more than 3 times a day. I could be wearing it every waking hour and then some! Can I do my whole back like a mummy?

Thursday, March 14  8:54pm
But it ALL HURTS. What if I ask That Guy to apply them?

Thursday, March 14  8:56pm
Haha then the mummy back is ok?

Thursday, March 14  8:57pm
Or I could ask him to remove the one I just can’t quite reach...

KEEP IT.

Texts From This Year Part 1: Anya Is Never Getting Married

Once again, welcome to this creepy portal straight into Anya’s brain, now in 2013! Besties that we are, she often fires off missives to Paul that get at the especially ridiculous, weird, and inane shit that pops into her heard (Anya’s spelling. I’m unsure if it’s a typo or a new word to describe the ever-confusing combination of one’s head and heart, that extra “r” was an accident, but now it’s staying), and we’ve collected the highlights here for you. Catch up on past editions of this particular series here, and enjoy a journey through the last few years of pop culture, family drama, and outrage that are the running themes of our correspondence.

This edition runs the gamut from TLC’s descent into madness, to our co-workers descent into madness, to our descent into madness. So really a wide range! Enjoy, until the next installment:

Wednesday, January 2  7:13pm
Hahaha I’ll do a dramatic rendition of any quotes you bring back next time we’re at the bar. Soul Sister lost her shit about the 9/11 one. “Well my eighth grade class was supposed to go to New York for our trip but somebody had to go and ruin it for us!” “You mean terrorists?”

Sunday, January 6  12:03pm
Love of my life, light of my world, why hast thou deserted me?

Wednesday January 9  6:22pm
Thinking about getting out of sweatpants is soooo hard

Tuesday, January 15  10:25pm
Oh god extreme cougar wives is the greatest

The handfasting ceremony is what really did me in.

Tuesday, January 15  10:36pm
I would go so far as to say this is where TLC crossed the line

Thursday, January 17  6:21pm
I need to make a body cast of me now to remember how hot I was

Friday, January 18  5:41pm
I mean, Tel Aviv, right? That way if one of us is disappointed we’ll easily be able to find a #yolo Jew to fuck

Sunday, January 20  11:57am
Ugh my mom is already arguing with me about inviting the cousins to my wedding and then said “well let’s not even talk about it, it’s not like you even have one in the offing”

Thursday, January 24  10:16pm
When are we watching prosecuting Casey Anthony on lifetime?

Saturday, January 26  1:03pm
Yeah I figured that would be best. I hope Paul and Paul are actually there to amuse us with their complete lack of pretension (Oddly, these neither of these are *our* Paul, they’re the gentleman owners of a local wine bar that makes a big fuss about how COMPLETELY UNPRETENTIOUS it is. NO WINE SNOBS HERE, FOLKS)

Sunday, January 27  9:46pm
Most harrowing snow/sleet infested drive ever. Ever. I was about to call you with my last will and testament.

Sunday, January 27  9:54pm
Guess I should write that letter now that I’ve had a near death experience

Sunday, January 27  10:15pm
Single ladies dance?! You go you 65 year old minx

Sunday, January 27  10:16pm
Talk about vertigo

Wednesday, February 13  6:13pm
Teary about the friend zone. Just kill me.

Thursday, February 21 10  10:53am
Highlights: 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Big Boss uses the Internet in front of us and uses the word “sexy”. Frazzled Feminist tries to give a presentation. Faded Hippie expresses her extreme skepticism about all of it with facial expressions. That Guy claims Project A as his great achievement of the year, I claim implementing it as mine, unintentionally shame him while provoking laughter from everyone else.

Extreme skepticism.

Thursday, February 21  11:21am
Aaand Frazzled Feminist just dropped a 50 shades of grey reference. And Edge of Retirement is wearing her fighting cock brooch.

Thursday, February 21  10:14pm
“whose dog is that where the lips are falling off?”

Sunday, February 24  7:19pm
Anne Hathaway what in the fuck. Are those nipples or seams?

Honestly, Annie, get it together.

Monday, February 25  5:47pm
Haha if you give a mouse the benefit of the doubt

Monday, February 25  5:50pm
Eating my leftovers all alone now because my family is slugs

Anya Extends An Offer She May Bitterly Regret

It all started at an H&M, as these things are wont to do. Paul is shopping with Swiss Miss. Anya is at home mulling over which gold spray paint to use on her antique chandelier. Things are strange. Suddenly, the phone vibrates! A message from Paul.

“A customah!”

PAUL: There was this cat shirt I almost bought you, but then I remembered that you don’t like cats or H&M.

ANYA: Haha under the right circumstances I would accept both. Probably have to let go of that hatred since I rock their dresses so hard?

PAUL: It’s for the good of the planet!

ANYA: Basically. Also, I will regret this but I accept any and all animal clothes from now on.

PAUL: Ohohoh. (This is the first sign that he’s going to fuck with me).

ANYA: I could up the ante by committing to wearing them to work.

PAUL: Stop.

ANYA: I could send out an office email with my offer.

PAUL: Does this include mythical animals and/or fantasy hybrids?

ANYA: Absolutely.

PAUL: Creepy Lawyer will buy you a towel dress that says ‘PUSSY’ on it.

ANYA: I’ll write up a set of rules.

So here we are. Anya, a connoisseur of all things both wearable and animal themed (except actual fur OBVIOUSLY), is going to foolishly commit (what other kind of commitment is there, really?) to wearing any and all animal themed clothing and accessories that she receives. To work. The guidelines are as follows:

     - It can be any kind of animal, real or imagined, as long as its genitals aren’t featured.

    - Also, not dead.

     - It can be any kind of clothing, but she will not be wearing underwear outside her pants or other such nonsense.

     - It can be secondhand (except earrings or undergarments, she doesn’t care how well you washed it.)

     - She reserves the right to tailor these items, but will wear them visibly (not wearing pajama pants to work as actual pants, because she does need to stay employed, but will make them into a shirt/skirt/headband).

Texts from Last Year Pt. 4: In Which Anya Needs a Therapy Dog

Welcome back to a series that makes us laugh almost as much as it makes us cringe, the last of our 2012 collection. Thank goodness. Catch up on our dysfunction here, here, and here. Don’t be sad that this is the end of another’s year’s worth of nonsense...be happy because we never stop accruing insanely weird text messages, and we’re always willing to share them with you.

The only reason this doesn’t happen is because neither of us have a cat

Judge if you must, but mostly appreciate the relationship we’ve cultivated, which not only allows but necessitates the following:

Monday, October 29 3:55pm

The Office quote of the decade “when you’re with someone, you put up with the things that make you lose respect for them, and THAT is love”

Thursday, November 1 6:16pm
Haha right? Anya’s Mom could just make a vest for Dog. They have dogs for people with autism, they HAVE to have one for me.

He’d be more convincing than poor Justice

Tuesday, November 13 2:15pm
Paul. Paul. I’m pretty sure I told Married Guy about my dog as a lobster costume idea and THEIR NEW BABY WAS A LOBSTER FOR HALLOWEEN! Oh, the feelings. The confusion. Almost weirder if I didn’t tell him.

Wednesday, November 14 9:42pm
I need to live tweet my reactions to Twilight, the movie, and the book.

Anya starts asking Paul a million questions and expressing her disgust

Wednesday, November 14, 9:47pm

Nope, I quit. Don’t want to ruin it. My fans need my true first reaction. I need that dragon dictation shit. Also, not sure I can confine myself to 160 characters.

This is exactly how it works in my mind. Only in some fab sixties clothes.

Monday, November 19 11:37am
Ladybird Johnson had pet raccoons at the white house and everyone loved them!

Thursday, November 22 1:13pm
Just got teary over a fucking folger’s commercial. Life is not good

Wednesday, November 28 7:10pm
I hope thankstaking and gamlumpagus is everything you wanted and more

Thursday, November 29 1:23pm
Maybe I should have a kid so I always have a built in excuse to call in to work and get four day weekends.

Friday, November 30 5:10pm
Totally picturing No Boundaries’ voice/tone/fervent head nodding that she does when she’s saying something super crazy and wants you to agree. Watching Soul Sister try to gently be like “well, I don’t think it’s really like that...” was priceless.

Thursday, December 6 10:52am
BITCH WE HATE GOT LAID OFF HOORAY

Making me feel glad that I’m not you

Thursday, December 6 12:55pm
It’s hard to do nice things for you to make up for driving me everywhere when the people in my life are idiots and when you don’t eat! Haha food is my fav love currency

Friday, December 7 11:06am
No she’s staying for now? Idk I guess Faded Hippie has some over-the-counter meds for these things.

Friday, December 7 1:37pm
He’s just so fucking obnoxious AND his kids don’t like Harry Potter. I told him he was reading it wrong.

Friday, December 7 1:42pm
I mean, this is coming from a librarian who doesn’t like to read and loves burn notice, why am I even surprised?

Thursday, December 13 2:38pm
Also, kombucha tea: What. The. Fuck. Can we try it? Dare we?

Thursday, December 13 9:27pm
This is what happens when you leave me alone

Because I’m chocolate Lab levels of pathetic

Thursday, December 20 10:10am
Oh NO, No Boundaries hugged me! It’s over.

Friday, December 21 9:56am
Ummm That Guy invited me to lunch today

Thursday, December 27 5:56pm
Your Anya Mom moment of the day: makes very clear her disappointment that something “made me so messed up” about children/pregnancy and then buys my tights and lipstick for NYE.

Thursday, December 27 8:50pm
Haha closest thing to a sext I’ll ever get

Friday, December 28 9:47pm
HOLY FUCK DID YOU KNOW THE EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS FAMILY IN OUR COMMUNITY’S MOM IS A LESBIAN?! AND IF YOU DID I AM SO ANGRY YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Texts from Last Year Pt. 3 (In Which Anya Reveals Our Healthy Diets)

We now present you with the third collection of noteworthy texts from Anya in 2012.  If you are just joining us for the written evidence of our eternal downward spiral, you can work your way back starting here.  By now you have probably figured out that it doesn’t get better, but it does get funnier.  Enjoy.

Thursday, September 27 8:58am
Haha Faded Hippie is so helpful today. She’s held the door for me twice out of 6 trips to shelve for [other co-worker] and she asked “are you to the 400s yet?!” ...thanks

Saturday, October 6 8:32am
Nothing quite like waking up to the sound of my mom talking shit about my job situation on the phone

Saturday, October 6 12:34pm
You’re missing Frazzled Feminist’s bedazzled jeans, just so you know

Forefront of fashion.

Saturday, October 6 9:05pm
Halloween: I am maine style yellow jacket clad fisherwoman and my dog is a lobster

We feel like we haven’t been delivering enough corgis.

Sunday, October 7 7:18pm
The Libertarian’s mom just offered me a white denim cropped jacket for like five minutes straight, and then some weird sheer silk thing she thought was reallly nice. she started suggesting outfits for the jacket, the Libertarian laughed at me

Thursday, October 11 8:40am
Frazzled Feminist had a shrieking anger meltdown about her kitchen contractors though, so maybe she needs to take the bipolar one

Thursday, October 11 4:08pm
Sometimes I think I can’t be alone because I need someone on call in case I want to hit up the garage too badly

Friday, October 12 11:09am
Ugh guess I’m doing that thing again where I hate eating. Too bad it’s not at a time where I actually need to lose weight.

Friday, October 12 12:43pm
Things I feel guilty about: spending most of the weekend away when we have like three family birthdays to celebrate, even though my mother is being terrible. Things I don’t feel guilty about: hiding an index card from a group of horrible women who impugned my ability to alphabetize

Saturday, October 13 8:48pm
Best quote ever “bitch that was my pussy you was kissing this morning, that was my pussy in his mouth you was kissing” classic.

Sunday, October 14 4:51pm
Ugh My cousin just sneezed onto my ferret’s face twice. Like directly.

So many flavors of disgusting.

Monday, October 15 12:08pm
I’m not very good at this whole don’t talk to people until they talk to me thing. Plus Facebook just keeps amassing evidence of picnics with other girls and all kinds of shit that makes me 100% glad I didn’t eat that bagel or I would have thrown it up

Tuesday, October 16 9:36am
Hahaha every work excuse in the book. I want them to admire my originality, I’ll probably blame my female parts or something since I’m sure Big Boss votes republican and obviously it is a mystery to them. If I don’t show up for lunch, I’m probably passed out on the third floor and no one came looking for me.

Wednesday, October 17 5:49pm
Really hope this whole “not respond for weeks and then tell me they chose someone else” job thing is not a foreshadowing of my conversation with my ex

Thursday, October 18 9:43am
Frazzled Feminist established her (fictional?) presence here today with a giant Starbucks cup. Progress? It’s more believable at least lol

Friday, October 19 1:32pm
Maybe Starbuck [Paul’s friend, not the coffee chain] and I will have spilling beer on the table and tortilla chips sleepover. So there!

Friday, October 19 2:51pm
Probably just going to watch Matthew and Mary’s engagement scene over and over until I stop crying about it.

Still haven’t watched the last two minutes of Season 3, probably going to spend the rest of the show pretending Matthew is on business in America.

Who am I kidding? I’ll never stop crying about this.

Thursday, October 25 9:42am
I’m about to sneak off and eat a cookie in the bathroom, pretty low.

Thursday, October 25 10:58am
Oh god No Boundaries is hitting on private school kids. Probably like 14

Thursday, October 25 4:41pm
Aw shit just watched a vet team member literally tranquilize a monkey with a blow dart. I want that job

Don’t worry, Anya will have better hats.

Texts from Last Year Pt. 2 (In Which Anya Hangs Out With Her Mom)

Today we bring you the next installment of texts salvaged from Paul’s phone archive. If you missed the first, catch up here. If you didn’t, immerse yourself in three more months worth of weirdness that Paul saw fit to memorialize. We laughed, we cried, we heard Taylor Swift on the radio so much we actually learned her songs, it was a strange time. Around here, it can only get stranger. So:

Be our guest!

(This is you devouring the texts excitedly)

Sunday May 13, 2012             10:03 am

The Libertarian:”Haha no…also talking to my mom about the wedding this morning, she says, “I always kind of wished you and your brother would marry orphans so I could do all of the wedding planning.”

Sunday May 13, 2012             12:14 pm

Nothing like picking up a birth control prescription on mothers day

Tuesday May 15, 2012           8:37 am

Haha I forgot to tell you, my mom was advocating for sterilizing retarded people at mothers day margarita dinner

Tuesday May 15, 2012           8:40 am

Right? And that she called me hitler for waiting for old people to die so the gays can have rights

Wednesday May 16, 2012      1:32 pm

I’m sorely disappointed neither of us have a garage right now. I can’t decide if that’s going to be a necessity when we’re looking for a place to live, or something to stay away from

Wednesday May 16, 2012      2:00 pm

Yeah, [Kathy Griffin] better. Maybe she will hire us as assistants because we’re cute and funny. Hers aren’t looking as good for tv anymore

Wednesday May 16, 2012      2:24 pm

I better be extra funny this week. Maybe I should hang out with my mom. sacrifices for our future…

Wednesday May 16, 2012      2:49 pm

Haha seriously. I’m only a lovelorn suicide on my behalf away from a memoir.

Friday May 18, 2012              12:46 pm

Ah just remembered that last night she compared breaking up with him to euthanizing her dog if he had cancer. Ouch.

Friday May 18, 2012              12:50 pm

It’s like maybe chemo would work but it’s so expensive and if it doesn’t…I would really regret putting him through that

Tuesday May 22, 2012           2:12 pm

I don’t since I hate kids. I can just donate my eggs to some nice gays that I’ll never have to see again. Technology obviates the need for traditional breeding

Friday May 25, 2012              3:52 pm

“I find people in general and myself in particular to be judgemental when I don’t have information. I support you and love you but it doesn’t mean I ll always love your choices.” What a judgy mom thing to say.

Monday May 28, 2012           10:09 am

How weird is it that I want send you a mostly naked picture right now just to keep forever how skinny I am at this moment?

Tuesday May 29, 2012           6:19 pm

New low when I’m connecting with swifty’s lyrics

Wednesday May 30, 2012      8:34 am

Seriously. He said “I hope you feel comfortable talking about these things” and I said “not with mom really” and he kind of nodded knowingly lol

Friday June 1, 2012                1:17pm

Blah stupid gaeb. Autocorrect wants me to call him “garb” lol

Wednesday, August 29     6:58pm
I might take my pants off. He’s is a prude so he won’t. Stupid.

Wednesday, September     12 5:07pm
Trading spouses dad: “I think the kids are clingy, but I blame Christina cuz I think she breast fed too long”

Wednesday, September     12 5:12pm
Oh god this poor sheltered girl from the other family isn’t allowed to have Oreos! She’s like 16!

Thursday, September 13     7:19pm
My night: discussing my great grandma’s will over dinner, ferrets galore, knitting, making a pretzel pouch with my tank top. Who needs social interaction??

Sunday, September 16     3:00pm
Buying some fantastic colored jeans to make up for it.

Monday, September 17 9:08pm
News flash: sugar bear and mama aren’t married and she refuses to marry him. Also, chickadee probs not his kid. Or pumpkin. Or chubby

 

 What a catch!

Tuesday, September 18 10:19am
Mover guy’s crush just benefitted me substantially lol