Why Do I Read Shitty YA Novels?

I just finished reading The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, which I have been chipping away at on and off for the last month. For anyone who hasn’t heard of this series or is unable to make inferences from titles, it is a young adult fantasy novel that is quite simply not that great. I am probably going to see the movie, whenever it comes out this summer, despite knowing that the movie will inevitably fail to rise above its subpar source material. Last winter I played the exact same game with Beautiful Creatures (telling myself it was all for Emma Thompson), dragging Anya and my friend Starbuck down the rabbit hole with me (We kind of sort of mostly kept from laughing out loud during the movie until Anya had a feminism induced angry noises fest toward the end).

I am, of course, not the only adult who partakes in this evidently expansive market and I cannot be the only adult who is completely aware of the literary mediocrity of this specific genre. While I cannot speak for the general public (I also am extremely lazy and am not getting paid enough/anything to do any actual research in this area), I can attempt to break down my own bizarre behavior and pose some questions and possible theories on this strange, sad phenomena.

Snarky Redheaded Ordinary High School Student meets Snarky Bad Boy Jerk with a Heart of Gold.

“Now Paul,” you may be saying, “it’s not really fair of you to judge these books meant for adolescents by your sophisticated and mature set of literary standards.” But it is though. I may be beyond the target age of readers for this book, but that does not excuse the low quality of work on display here. Before I rip it apart, I will mention the few things I did enjoy in the book. I liked its use of the word “asshat,” and I am always a sucker for unrequited love (although I quickly got over that by the time the book introduced its third unrequited love triangle).

The plot is essentially a thinly-veiled reworking of Harry Potter with a couple of Star Wars-y twists thrown in at the end. Is that, in itself, a crime? Of course not. Harry Potter and Star Wars owe much of their stories to various fantasy and science fiction stories that came before them and the archetypal characters and plot points that have been used by storytellers through the ages. However, both Harry Potter and Star Wars were able to take genre tropes and tweak them into something new and special, with heavy doses of depth and style.

City of Bones relies far too heavily on readers’ knowledge of these genre tropes in lieu of a little something called character development. The book is full of flat, formulaic, and one dimensional characters who spend their time going through the motions of their roles. Does every character have to be a compelling and dynamic creation? Again, no, but, at the very least, the protagonists should be (or interesting in their pointed lack of charisma when surrounded by those with it). Instead we’re stuck with the Special Snowflake Audience Surrogate, Nerdy Love Interest Foil Best Friend, and Pretty Lethal Chef Action Girl. None of the heavy-handed characters ever feel like fully fleshed “real” people and it’s thus impossible for me, as an intelligent audience member, to give a shit.

You know what other book series can be classified under “Young Adult Fantasy?” His Dark Materials. And that shit is not only original, but heart wrenching and full of creative plot twists, mature themes, character development, and way more than fifty shades of gray. And Anya and I first read it when we were ten. There is no reason that this genre should be so chock full of lame, unoriginal supernatural romance with a side of “Surprise! They’re siblings/cousins/long lost brethren/mythical beasts living in the modern world!” You know what fucking shocked me as a twelve year old? Sirius Black being a good guy. And friends with the Potters!

And if J.K. Rowling does resort to some pretty old school literary tricks, at least it’s so well written that we don’t mind. Forgive me if I can’t get behind “his hair gleamed in the sunlight like the fire of a thousand suns, the strong yet delicate lines of his now vulnerable face showing her how gentle he could be” being really sneaky foreshadowing for a romance. COME. ON.

First of all, Swifty, cats, along with many other things, disprove this dumb statement. Secondly, gag.

Also, am I the only one that can’t look away from her hideous nails?

So I have now laid the issues with the series/genre on the table, but that does not explain why I read this specific book or why I will continue to dabble in this YA realm. I can critique and downplay my involvement with the book all day long, but I still read it. I spend the majority of my time questioning my motivations for doing everything, so I can only posit some possible theories regarding my actions here.

It basically boils down to two possible explanations. The first is that this is one way for me to cling to my fleeting youth and stay up-to-date on “what the kids are doing these days.” I am getting worse and worse at answering my mom’s questions of “Who sings this?” when listening to our area’s Top 40 radio station. I know nothing about sports, and my knowledge of television and movies has always been... specific. Reading these books makes me feel like I am able to peek into a small window of youth culture. I can see current ideals of art, beauty, gender, and morals, while also getting snippets of popular (or niche) hobbies. I can also blame it on the anthropologist within’s attempt to understand the various groups I encounter in the world. Right?

“You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.”

My other hypothesis is that these types of books provide a specific kind of outlet that actually relies on all of the negatives discussed above. It serves as a nice break from some of the meatier material I also read.
SCENE: Paul’s bathtub, night. One of my favorite character in A Song of Ice and Fire just bit it or I’m having an emotional reaction to the highs and lows of the human condition in Howards End? Let’s switch over to City of Bones for a bit.
It can be comforting in the sense that it is entirely expected and familiar, and there is a certain safeness in the absence of mystery. I know exactly what is going to happen to these characters and because I am completely unconcerned with the characters’ fates, I cannot be hurt by anything the book “throws” at me.

Those are my best guesses, although I remain unsure as to which theory is the sadder explanation. I do not see my behavior changing anytime in the near future, but I can at least find a small amount of solace in my acceptance of it and efforts at reaching a greater understanding of myself and the world around me. And we’re not even touching Twilight. Yet.

-Paul

Texts from Last Year Pt. 4: In Which Anya Needs a Therapy Dog

Welcome back to a series that makes us laugh almost as much as it makes us cringe, the last of our 2012 collection. Thank goodness. Catch up on our dysfunction here, here, and here. Don’t be sad that this is the end of another’s year’s worth of nonsense...be happy because we never stop accruing insanely weird text messages, and we’re always willing to share them with you.

The only reason this doesn’t happen is because neither of us have a cat

Judge if you must, but mostly appreciate the relationship we’ve cultivated, which not only allows but necessitates the following:

Monday, October 29 3:55pm

The Office quote of the decade “when you’re with someone, you put up with the things that make you lose respect for them, and THAT is love”

Thursday, November 1 6:16pm
Haha right? Anya’s Mom could just make a vest for Dog. They have dogs for people with autism, they HAVE to have one for me.

He’d be more convincing than poor Justice

Tuesday, November 13 2:15pm
Paul. Paul. I’m pretty sure I told Married Guy about my dog as a lobster costume idea and THEIR NEW BABY WAS A LOBSTER FOR HALLOWEEN! Oh, the feelings. The confusion. Almost weirder if I didn’t tell him.

Wednesday, November 14 9:42pm
I need to live tweet my reactions to Twilight, the movie, and the book.

Anya starts asking Paul a million questions and expressing her disgust

Wednesday, November 14, 9:47pm

Nope, I quit. Don’t want to ruin it. My fans need my true first reaction. I need that dragon dictation shit. Also, not sure I can confine myself to 160 characters.

This is exactly how it works in my mind. Only in some fab sixties clothes.

Monday, November 19 11:37am
Ladybird Johnson had pet raccoons at the white house and everyone loved them!

Thursday, November 22 1:13pm
Just got teary over a fucking folger’s commercial. Life is not good

Wednesday, November 28 7:10pm
I hope thankstaking and gamlumpagus is everything you wanted and more

Thursday, November 29 1:23pm
Maybe I should have a kid so I always have a built in excuse to call in to work and get four day weekends.

Friday, November 30 5:10pm
Totally picturing No Boundaries’ voice/tone/fervent head nodding that she does when she’s saying something super crazy and wants you to agree. Watching Soul Sister try to gently be like “well, I don’t think it’s really like that...” was priceless.

Thursday, December 6 10:52am
BITCH WE HATE GOT LAID OFF HOORAY

Making me feel glad that I’m not you

Thursday, December 6 12:55pm
It’s hard to do nice things for you to make up for driving me everywhere when the people in my life are idiots and when you don’t eat! Haha food is my fav love currency

Friday, December 7 11:06am
No she’s staying for now? Idk I guess Faded Hippie has some over-the-counter meds for these things.

Friday, December 7 1:37pm
He’s just so fucking obnoxious AND his kids don’t like Harry Potter. I told him he was reading it wrong.

Friday, December 7 1:42pm
I mean, this is coming from a librarian who doesn’t like to read and loves burn notice, why am I even surprised?

Thursday, December 13 2:38pm
Also, kombucha tea: What. The. Fuck. Can we try it? Dare we?

Thursday, December 13 9:27pm
This is what happens when you leave me alone

Because I’m chocolate Lab levels of pathetic

Thursday, December 20 10:10am
Oh NO, No Boundaries hugged me! It’s over.

Friday, December 21 9:56am
Ummm That Guy invited me to lunch today

Thursday, December 27 5:56pm
Your Anya Mom moment of the day: makes very clear her disappointment that something “made me so messed up” about children/pregnancy and then buys my tights and lipstick for NYE.

Thursday, December 27 8:50pm
Haha closest thing to a sext I’ll ever get

Friday, December 28 9:47pm
HOLY FUCK DID YOU KNOW THE EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS FAMILY IN OUR COMMUNITY’S MOM IS A LESBIAN?! AND IF YOU DID I AM SO ANGRY YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daenerys Targaryen: The Dragon Queen

We have come to the end of our series of debates on the potential kings and queen of Westeros, finishing with Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord(?) of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, called Daenerys Stormborn, The Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Shackles (You can tell Paul’s heart is really in this one).  Without further ado, let the arguments commence!

For:

We saved the best for last, folks.  My heart really is in this one, but why the fuck shouldn’t it be?  Daenerys is a much-loved character, and with good reason.  To hate Dany would be akin to hating Peggy Olson on Mad Men.  She doesn’t have to be your favorite character (he says begrudgingly), but if you abhor her, you’re doing it wrong.  While the series has no “main character” she serves as its heart and soul.  Daenerys is not simply an interesting, dynamic, and relatable character, she also makes the best ruler of Westeros, among all current contenders.

Daenerys is the last confirmed Targaryen, the house that is responsible for the unification of Westeros and for ruling that kingdom for almost 300 years.  Westeros belongs to them.  Without the actions of the Targaryens, the lands would have remained seven separate kingdoms.  Robert’s Rebellion and subsequent stint as a subpar king have not erased the powerful dynasty of the Targaryens, especially when there remains a living heir, a living heir with not one, not two, but THREE GODDAMN DRAGONS.

Dragons may have been absent from the world for the last few centuries, but those fire-breathing, flying motherfuckers are back, y’all.  They are the “children” of Daenerys and although they are still relatively small, at least in comparison to some of the skeletons in King’s Landing, they have proven themselves to be quite capable at burning down warlocks and slavers, without breaking a sweat.  Aegon, Rhaenys, and Visenya swooped down on the Westerosi kingdoms on the backs of their dragons, where they swiftly conquered and united the realm, and as soon as Drogon, Viserion, and Rhaegal are grown, Daenerys should have no problem following in her ancestors’ footsteps.  Combine that with her loyal army of Unsullied and devoted followers of freed slaves and members of her khalasar, and our Silver Queen is as unstoppable as the urge to roll my eyes at presumptuous (read: all) children.

The most important thing about Dany, beyond her birthright, power, and legitimate cause for vengeance, is that she actually is a spectacular queen.  At the start of the series, Daenerys is girl with very little agency, a puppet of her brother and Illyrio Mopatis.  As the series continues, the audience gets to watch Daenerys discover herself and the world around her and take hold of the reigns and refuse to let go.  Daenerys excels at the game of thrones, quickly mastering the arts of playing coy, concealing her hand, and delivering swift strikes to her foes.  While she may often state that she is “but a young girl, [who] knows little” of  various activities, both she and the audience know better.  Daenerys may be getting further and further away from Westeros, but she is amassing an army and dealing hard justice to terrible people committing atrocities.  

At the end of the day, there is one crucial aspect of Dany’s personality that sets apart from her contenders and is what truly makes her the finest ruler.  Daenerys, Mysha to all, is the only potential monarch who is more concerned about the well-being of people, both her own and the downtrodden innocents she encounters, than what throne she sits upon.

-Paul

Against:

Oh Daenerys...you have a lot of titles for someone who actually has a total of three dragons and a bunch of vagrants to her name. I will readily admit that Daenerys is one of the least morally bankrupt contenders for the Iron Throne, and that I like her. She has real leadership skills, she learns from her mistakes, she’s a dragon whisperer, and she’s got great tits. Hooray! As much as everyone wants to make one million gifs of Daenerys being a badass with her sassy lines and her unexpected language skills and paste them all over Tumblr, popular vote here in Reality Land is not the way elections work in Westeros.

Obviously.

Sniff.

If George R.R. Martin were writing happy plots for everyone we liked, he wouldn’t have fucking beheaded Ned Stark in the first goddamn book, etc. So now I’m tasked with explaining to you why fantastic clothes and likeability do not a queen make (That’s why we’re suffering through Cersei and Margaery’s boring bullshit and fairly heinous clothes). I think Daenerys would have been a great partner to Khal Drogo, awesome mother, and then graceful retiree to the Dothraki Council of Women Who Outlive Their Husbands. She’s adaptable, sure. Been workin’ it and makin’ it work in the plains and in the desert, amirite?

But. BUT. In order to conquer Westeros you need allies. In order to rule Westeros, you need more than just a few allies. She is just not tapped into the hellish network of plotting and politics, and most of them barely know she is alive. Yes, dragons will be helpful from a military standpoint (also for wow factor and lighting fireworks/cannons/etc.), but they terrify most of Dany’s loyal followers, will a nation of strangers want to be ruled by them? Nope. She can’t control them as it is, and they’re only getting bigger. With winter coming, Westeros can’t handle worst case scenario, widespread burning of fields, and best case scenario, feeding those things for years on end. Not to mention, having three dragons to reunite the Seven Kingdoms in fear also require THREE riders. So far, we have one. ONE. And she hasn’t even done it yet.

Speaking of dragons, Dany comes from a long line of them, and let me remind you, they were BATSHIT FUCKING INSANE. The people of Westeros think “Mad King” when they hear Targaryen, and Daenerys hasn’t exactly always done things that others would consider well thought out or reasonable. I have a very, very difficult time imagining that “her” people would accept her, when they have no reason to believe that she’s any different. Perhaps worse, with dragons to do her burning alive for her. They will fear her, and her dragons. Will they follow another Targaryen? Especially after they’ve been plotting amongst themselves for years, trying to make calculations and jockey for position with whichever House they believe poised to lead. They have no good reason to accept someone who is, at best, an outsider and an unknown quantity.

Sure, people love you when you save them from slavery or rape, sometimes. But will the people of Westeros love her for disrupting their perfectly normal lives with flames from the sky? And it’s not as though Dany’s good intentions have been all that helpful...in fact lots of people have been worse off as a result of her mothering.

Give it up girl! Pick a nice warm city, rule it, and eat bon bons on your roof porch all day.

-Anya

We hope that you have been enjoying these and that there aren’t any mega Greyjoy fans out there that are offended we excluded Balon from the list (lolz).  We can safely say this will not be the last time A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones is featured on our blog, so check back for more thought-provoking Westeros-based articles in the future, or, at the very least, majestic/arousing/comical gifs.

Robb Stark: The King in the North

We’re still on vacation, hopefully having an incredible time with Soul Sister, hopefully not fighting over our small, shared sleep space.  We return to our weekly arguments on Westerosi monarchs, moving on to the Young Wolf, Robb Stark.  We should probably only present the more serious brooding/smoldering king, but we are unreasonably (it’s not unreasonable!!) attached to those direwolf puppies.

For:

Oh, Robb.  The King in the North is one of the non-POV characters who made quite the positive impression on me.  When listing my favorite characters after the first two books/seasons, Robb was solidly in the top the five.  A Song of Ice and Fire is a massive series, covering many topics and themes, one being the brutality of men and its lasting effects, specifically on youth, with many of the protagonists starting off as children. While some of them are very close to being considered adults in Westeros, none of them were alive or were old enough to remember the last major war in the realm, Robert’s Rebellion (nobody cares about the Greyjoy Rebellion).  The audience gets to experience a variety of reactions to the cruelties of war in these young characters, one of these being Robb Stark.  He makes a terrific king for the very qualities that initially drew me to him, his strength, sense of responsibility, tact, and humanity (which I find the most important and compelling, but may also be the most damning).

Before I unpack that and explain why exactly he deserves to be king, let’s discuss how everybody’s favorite gingery fox got there.  First of all, Robb essentially had to declare himself King in the North.  Joffrey ruined any chance for peace between the Starks and the Lannisters with his actions regarding poor old Ned.  How could Rob or any of his bannerman, swear allegiance to the King who had wrongfully imprisoned and murdered their father and lord?  Maybe that kind of shit flies with the Martells, but that scenario is impossible for any of the balky and just (sans a few unfortunate exceptions) northmen.  Things were moving quickly and it’s hard to form new alliances through back-and-forth raven trips.  Perhaps if Robb and his men had known at the time of Joffrey’s incestuous conception and if Stannis and Renly had created a united front, Robb could have remained Warden in the North and supported their claim, but that was not the case.

Let’s also not forget the important fact that Robb has never lost a battle.  He gains his nickname, the Young Wolf, due to his excellence in the field combined with the presence of his direwolf, Grey Wind (great direworlf or greatest direwolf?).  Presumably, if he were able to keep up that impressive streak, Tywin Lannister would be forced to give in to Robb’s demands at some point, lest he risk losing King’s Landing or Casterly Rock.  It is also worth noting that between the land controlled by Starks and that of his Tully mother, Robb controls northern and central Westeros, including the majority of the Kingsroad which goes from King’s Landing all the way to the Wall.  Certainly nothing to scoff at.

Now, does Robb deserve to be a king?  Gods, yes.  Robb inherited the duty, honor, justice, and stubbornness of his parents, but is generally better at prioritizing and not allowing those qualities to be the sole guiding factors of his actions, like Catelyn and Eddard did.  Despite his young age, Robb quickly steps up to the plate and proves to be one of the better leaders we witness in the series.  Robb tries so hard to balance his competing roles of lord, brother, king, son, and husband, which, of course, leads to a few mistakes.  However, these mistakes turn what could be a static secondary character into a relatable and very human dynamic character, who is forced to grow and learn and adapt very quickly, all in front of a large audience, where the stakes are often life or death.  At the end of the day, Robb owns up to his failures and does his best to rectify them.  Admirable qualities of a great man, who is a great king.

-Paul

Against:

Let me start by saying that it pains me to write anything bad about Robb Stark, because he is the second sexiest member of the Stark family, and by far the king I’d most like to fuck. Not least because he has a goddamn direwolf as a bodyguard, and winning over the heart of that giant shaggy pup would be the greatest achievement of my life as a character in A Song of Ice and Fire. My fantasies aside, I have to argue against Robb because we drafted our sides in these debates, and also because great in the sack does not equal great on the throne. Sadly.

Despite his shexy faux Scottish accent (?) and angelic curls, Robb is not cut out to finish his campaign and rule as King of the North as a secessionist. Those of us educated above the Mason Dixon line have learned time and time again that secession is really never quite as successful as the rosy visions of the revolutionaries would have us believe. This War of Northern Aggression is doomed to fail, and Robb should quit while he’s ahead and jump in bed with Stannis (and by Stannis I mean me!). But really, if he formed an alliance with Stannis and agreed to return as Warden of the North rather than King in exchange for Stannis’s help taking back Winterfell, things would be better for all of us. Believe me.

Granted, Robb is an ideal northman: tough, dutiful, just, carries out the beheadings that he orders, etc. He does his best to live up to his father Ned, and in some ways, comes out ahead (I can’t stop!). If there were to be a King of the North, he’s a great contender. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards, since none of the kings left in the race for the Iron Throne would accept a realm split basically in two. We know Stannis is a stickler for fealty and shit, and Joffrey is just too goddamn into revenge and gore to let Robb STARK of all people get away with chipping off a giant piece of his kingdom (even if it is a wasteland of permafrost).

His best bet would be for Joffrey and Stannis to wear each other down so far that the victor wouldn’t have time to try to reconquer the North before winter descends on Westeros, but even that would rely on the new king’s good judgment  and we all know that’s a foolish gamble. Neither Stannis nor Joffrey can afford to lose face in such a big way as letting the North go, especially after they’ve torn down each other’s claims to legitimacy. Neither of them are sufficiently afraid of the coming winter, and they would stretch their precious resources coming after Robb despite famine, poverty, zombies, etc.

In a way, the problem is that Robb was doing too well, and got so far South in an effort to reclaim Ned’s body and stick it to those douchebag Lannisters that he’s now stuck at the river, with his home taken by the worst combination of all the fuckheads in the series: Theon Greyjoy and Ramsay Bolton. Shit is not okay. My knight in shining armor needs to pack it in, leave his wife, get Stannis to chop the balls off of the Boltons, and settle in for a long winter’s night just him, me, and Grey Wind. In that order.

-Anya

UPDATE: We knew what happened to Robb in last night's episode of Game of Thrones, "The Rains of Castamere", as soon as we saw the list of episode titles. Heartbreaking or heart wrenching, right? Even though we knew the Red Wedding was going down, it was like a punch in the gut watching Grey Wind get executed in a goddamn cage. In the book, he and Robb both go down fighting, which is a much more valiant end for that whirlwind of destruction on the battlefield.

ALSO, in the book Jeyne gets away, and when she shows up later as a hostage, there is rampant speculation among readers that it's not *actually* her. We don't know if the theories are bullshit, or if the show producers don't care, or if it's just another question George will let linger as he finishes the books but...that was a pretty fucked up fetal stabbing. Smacks of Downton Abbey, when everyone is really happy, fear death!

Stannis Baratheon: The Truly Just King

We return to our look at the potential rulers of Westeros, shining a light on the eldest and dourest Baratheon, Stannis.  Stannis is no one’s favorite or least favorite contender for the throne, and we’re easily bored, so we decided to spice up this debate with a little more profanity and a bit less in the way of actual points. In the words of Donal Noye, “Stannis is pure iron, black and hard and strong, yes, but brittle, the way iron gets. He’ll break before he bends.” Don’t we know it. So enjoy our take on this crusty old piece of work:

For:

As Stannis himself can’t stop saying, he is the lawful heir to the throne. He feels that it is his duty to take the throne since his brother’s death, despite the fact that he doesn’t seem particularly excited about ruling and nor does anyone else. Be that as it may, he is the oldest Baratheon brother, and since Robert has no legal and legitimate heirs, he’s next in line. Not impressed with the Baratheon claim to the throne? We’re not really either, but if you’re into following the law and such, technically Stannis is your man (and no one loves and respects technicality more than he). I mean he chopped the goddamn Onion Knight’s fingers off after he saved his goddamn life. What a dick. A rock hard dick. I really hope someone googles that phrase and ends up here, what a disappointment that would be for them. Moving on!

Almost as obsessed with duty as Ned, Stannis is definitely a proponent of justice rather than mercy, which might not be such a bad thing with a heavily foreshadowed harsh winter about to descend onto Westeros. Not one of the knights of summer, Stannis isn’t fun or charming, or even a little bit charismatic, but none of those things are really necessary to get a suffering people through a season during which many of them will likely starve to death. He’s definitely not going to be throwing fun parties to arouse the resentment of the peasantry, and you can forget about wenching or splurging. His Master of Coin is going to have it pretty fuckin easy street, and the smallfolk wouldn’t be too jealous seeing his dinner table.

Sure, that makes him pretty boring, but the man is rational to a fault, and he could definitely RATION the shit out of the food that may or may not be left after the war (suck it, I love puns). His wife and daughter aren’t going to win any hearts between them, but apparently Melisandre is quite a looker (if a terrifying bitch from the heart of hell). Hopefully she will stop burning people alive once Stannis is king, although honestly they’re probably going to run out of fuel and it’s not the worst alternative to start burning criminals to heat the castle. I’m not terribly worried about the fact that she’s into the batshit Lord of Light religion, because there are always going to be fanatics and I’m pretty indifferent about which religion they’re focusing their fanaticism on.

At the end of the day, while nobody in their right mind likes Stannis, he’s not the worst option, by far. The dude is stern as fuck, for better or for worse, but mostly for better with these serious snow storms about to settle on the country. My best support for Stannis is basically that of a Jewish mother whose thirty year old son is finally marrying “eh, why  not? Could be worse, we just need to get this deal sealed.” He doesn’t really light a fire under me, ha. ha. ha.

-Anya

Against:

Here’s the thing, I know that we’re dealing with a monarchy here and that the will of the people has little to no value here, but Stannis Baratheon is just about the last person anybody wants to see sit upon the Iron Throne.  Even loose-screw tween Joffrey and his family have more backers than perma-grumpus Stannis.  During the initial War of the Five Kings, Stannis couldn’t even get his own bannerman to back his admittedly lawful claim.  The majority of them (along with the house of his wife and queen) supported the affable Renly.  Of course, Renly’s supporters were later forced to choose between Stannis and Joffrey, after Stannis HAD HIS OWN BROTHER KILLED BY A MOTHERFUCKING SHADOW ASSASSIN BABY (in case you had forgotten that truly horrifying experience).

Stannis has exactly two supporters.  The first being the Red Priestess, Melisandre (whom I’ll get to in a moment) and the second being Davos Seaworth, who is one hundred percent loyal to Stannis and his cause.  This is fueled by his firm belief in Stannis being a completely just man, which I can only attribute to Davos being either a masochistic submissive bottom or a tragic victim of battered person syndrome.  A reminder of the justice of Stannis: Davos smuggles food into Storm’s End while it was under siege during Robert’s Rebellion, arguably saving the lives of Stannis and its other inhabitants.  Stannis thanks him by knighting him... and cutting off the tips of four fingers for his years of work as a smuggler.  

This twisted sense of compensation is a perfect example of one of his most severe and damning attributes: his refusal to accept, acknowledge, or even see the numerous shades of gray between the unforgiving black and white categories of his world.  There is no overlap, negotiations, or compromises for Stannis.  Stannis is always keeping score, but it is on an action by action basis.  You do not have a total points tally, and no amount of good in the present or future can erase the punishment you have coming for your past wrongdoings.  Stannis Baratheon would give you a reward for killing Joffrey, but would then promptly behead for committing regicide.  You know what kind of logic would be completely fucking terrible for ruling the entire realm?  That.

Finally, I shall return to his primary patron, the actual source of the rest of his allies: the Red Menace (not to be confused with the international communist conspiracy [save it for Dating Freedom Lovers]), Melisandre.  Deranged religious zealot Melisandre is convinced that Stannis is the reborn hero Azor Ahai (he’s not) and burning anybody foolish enough to get in her path, including, but not limited to, babies.  After convincing Selyse that she’s the real deal, she wiggles her way into Stannis’s extremely small inner circle and becomes the puppetmistress plotting out almost all of Stannis’s future moves, based mostly upon what she sees in her “prophetic” fire visions (we later learn that they are not as solid as she would have us believe).  

Is this the absolute worst possibility for future king?  No.  However, as a lasting solution for everything besides surviving the upcoming winter and attack from the Others?

Keep it.

-Paul