Top 5 Episodes of Buffy Season 4

The return of the Internet also brings about the return of Anya to not-so-sunny Sunnydale and her hopefully unwavering commitment to watch the entirety of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She finally finished the latter half of the topsy-turvy Season Four, and can now present our favorite episodes of from this bizarre BtVS season. Per usual, spoilers for this and any previous season throughout.

Season Four is a strange one. It carries a few truly spectacular individual episodes. “Hush” is generally considered one of the greatest episodes of the entire series and you’d be hard pressed to find a “Top X” list of Buffy episodes that did not include it in the top 3 slots. However, Season Four also features one of the weakest seasonal arcs. As such, none of our favorite episodes really touch on it, so we’ll try to flesh out our overall impressions here.

The show echoed its struggling characters, attempting to find a place in the world post-high school and post-Angel. The secret government agency schtick is chock full of issues and the audience isn’t introduced to the Big Bad until halfway through the season (who’s just a vanilla version of Frankenstein’s monster). The loss of previous regular cast members brings us full-time Spike and Anya, and introduces Riley (who Paul hates and Anya loves, mostly to spite Paul) and Tara (who Paul loves and Anya doesn’t, mostly to spite Paul), creating a very different group dynamic. To various degrees of success, the season looks at the ways that our relationships change as our roles change. Friendships that might have come naturally before due to shared location and activities require efforts that we’re not always prepared to put in.

Without further ado, our list:

5. “Pangs”

"Well, maybe we started a new tradition this year... Maybe not. But at least we all worked together. It was like old times."

"Yeah, especially with Angel being here and everything."

This episode made our list for many reasons, most of which are just personal hangups, so bear with us. First of all, the Buffy in the kitchen trying to recreate “real” Thanksgiving bit is both hilarious and painful to watch. Girl, you are not a homemaker. While she has a lot of moments where she strives to be more “normal” or wishes for an unexceptional lifestyle, it’s more in theory than in practice. We see her struggle with her identity frequently in the series, but this is that struggle at its most lighthearted.

Willow’s campaign against revisionist history cracks us up, especially when it sort of falls apart as the house comes under attack. Like many people who mean well, she is forced to confront the fact that her own ideas pretty fucking revisionist too, just not in the same direction as her high school textbook.

And of course, the perfect perfect perfect ending pictured above.

4. “Something Blue”

“Oh, Spike! Of course it’s a yes!”

Having seen a spoiler on the Buffy reddit a couple of months ago, Anya had been badgering Paul about a Buffy/Spike coupling for quite some time. Little did she know that this episode would surpass her wildest expectations of the relationship, and all because Willow was being a grumpus. Buffy and Spike’s impending nuptials are the light and fluffy frosting on a pretty ugly and fucked up cake made of all of the other issues.

We always like it when Joss can poke fun at his own plot points (see the Buffy/Angel conversation interrupted by Xander in "The Zeppo"), and the over the top nature of Buffy and Spike’s affection taking place right in Giles’ living room is great because it doesn’t look so terribly different from the turn her relationship with Riley takes shortly thereafter. Besides, we just can’t get enough of saying “Spoooike” in Dru’s voice, and any excuse for that is golden with us.

This episode also features a three-second cameo from Amy, who is turned into a woman and then poofed back into a rat again, something that Paul always points to as evidence for Buffy being a truly great television show.

3. “Who Are You”

“'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I just pout and whine and feel the burden of slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop till your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up, I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of, I could squeeze you till you popped like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more and you know why I don't?”

As someone who was completely sick of Faith’s poor little unloved slut waif arc, Anya was not that excited to see this episode. Yes, we get it, Faith is what Buffy COULD HAVE BEEN. A Slayer gone awry is so very tragic, etc. She left off on "This Year’s Girl" before the big move, and kept saying “oh yeah…” when Paul excitedly reminded her of what was to come. All of that aside, when she did finally watch the episode, she came around a little bit. Watching Faith in Buffy’s body (or rather, SMG impersonating Eliza’s “Harlot”-type) was, admittedly, mostly funny. Faith-as-Buffy gets some great lines, like every moment of the above speech to Spike or “Well, we certainly don't want to cut into THAT seven minutes,” but it’s the combination of her clothing, body language, and line delivery that really make the episode.

Watching Faith try on Buffy’s life for size, at first acting above it all, and as she tried to mimic Buffs more convincingly, falling into that role to the point that she goes back to the church and then beats the ever-loving shit out of her own body while shouting, “You’re nothing! You’re disgusting!”? Mostly sad.

2. “Hush”

“Well, I guess we have to talk.”
“I guess we do.”

Here’s the thing, Internet (and also Paul): you really built this episode up to the point that Anya couldn’t even sort out how she would have felt about it in a vacuum because everyone was all over its dick! So she’ll let Paul take over to explain what you all already know, this is a great episode (maybe the greatest!?) and it has such a message to it.

This episode gives us a lot of great material to discuss. This is the first episode to feature Tara. We meet her at her meekest, but we can still see the hints of what she’ll become, a grounding member of the Scooby Gang, who serves as a catalyst for a number of important changes in Willow. This is the only episode to ever showcase The Gentlemen (who unfortunately go out with a bang), some of the creepiest villains to ever be on the show. The gaunt and sallow skin? The sunken-in bloodshot eyes? The permanent hungry wolf smiles? The monkey-like cronies in straight jackets? The polite golf clapping and “Oh stop!” miming while commemorating their heartnapping? Come on!

The best part of the episode is, of course, what happens when The Gentlemen come to town. They steal all the Sunnydale residents’ voices, meaning that the majority of the episode has no spoken dialogue. We then get a poignant look at the necessity and limitations of language, the words that we attempt to use to convey our wants, needs, feelings, and intentions. As much as we rely upon them, sometimes words get in the way, either because of our inability to select the correct ones or because some things can only be said with our bodies. The end of the episode where Buffy and Riley, with returned voices, sit in silence? Genius.

1. “Restless”

“I was on time, so I got to be cowboy guy.”

If we hadn’t already told you that Paul hates Riley, you would have guessed based on the fact that of ALL the pictures he could have chosen from this insane episode, he chose the one of Riley in a fucking cowboy hat (To be fair, this episode makes the ONLY occasion Paul ever finds Riley likeable, where Willow dreams up this hilariously simplistic Riley, poking fun at both the character and the actor’s oafish “acting”). Feelings on Riley aside, this is an incredible episode, and Paul’s second favorite of the entire series.

The original core members of the show get together for a restful night of movie watching after a long day of stopping supreme evil. They all fall asleep and, as an effect from the spell they cast to defeat Adam, are visited by the spirit of the First Slayer as they are each forced to confront their individual fears. The dreams that Willow, Xander, Giles, and Buffy have are simultaneously frightening, surreal, depressing, humorous, prophetic, and nonsensical. The episode is so multifaceted and loaded with symbolism that it’s impossible to completely analyze here. So, as we are wont to do when encountered with things of this nature, we’re just going to make a list of some of our favorite “Restless” moments:

-BUFFY: Oh my god, the place is packed. Everybody's here. Your whole family is in the front row, and they look really angry!
-Sexy Joyce coming on to Xander and Forgotten Joyce living in the walls with mice.
-ANYA: I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.
-Black and White Spike posing for tourists
-GILES: Come on, put your back into it! A watcher scoffs at gravity.
-ANYA (to Xander): Do you know where you're going?
-SNYDER (to Xander): Where are you heading?
-The Cheese Man.
-TARA: We just think you’re really interesting.
-ANYA: Quiet! You’ll miss the humorous conclusion.
-Surgeon General Riley and Human Adam making a pillow fort to hide from demons.
-Giles figuring out what’s going on in song.
-BUFFY: What are you still doing in costume… Willow, everybody already knows. Take it off.
-GILES: Buffy, you have a sacred birthright to protect mankind. Don't stick out your elbow.

Top 5 Episodes of Buffy Season 3

Anya has powered through another season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so here we are to once again rank our favorite episodes. It’s impossible to read any list of “best” Buffy episodes without thinking, “I can’t believe s/he included/left out [Episode]!” Hopefully you can find some of your favorite moments below, and that we can at least all be in agreement that Buffy is an all-around great show.

Season Three is an all-around great season. Unlike the rough and intense ride of the darker and more emotionally taxing Season Two, this season is much steadier trip, slowly building up to its cathartic ending. This season will probably be the only time where our list of favorites actually follows the sequential order in which they aired. This season may not reach the intensity of Season Two, but in terms of overall watchability, this season has fewer episodes that you might be tempted to skip on a rewatch (perhaps the fewest out of all the seasons). As usual, spoilers throughout for the entire show through this season.

5. “Band Candy”

“Whoa, Summers, you drive like a spaz!”

We begin with “Band Candy.” Buffy, resenting her mother and Giles for denying her the freedom and privileges of adulthood, spends a day in their shoes, when all the adults in Sunnydale are turned into obnoxious teenagers from eating Ethan Rayne’s tainted candy bars. We finally get a taste of the days Giles spent as “Ripper” and we also get a hint that Joyce liked to have a lot of fun in her youth. We love Willow seeing her shirtless, stage-diving doctor at the Bronze and we love the eventual payoff to Giles and Joyce’s cop car sex with Buffy’s temporarily telepathy in “Earshot.”

This episode is the only time on the series that Principal Snyder is ever likeable, and even then, it’s only from the knowledge that was such a clueless boob in high school. Pretty much everything that he says is gold, but highlights include:
“Oh! There’s some foxy ladies here tonight!”
(to Oz) “You’ve got great hair.”
“Let’s go do doughnuts on the football field.”
and
“I can do that too, I took Taekwondo at the Y!”

4. “Lovers Walk”

“You’re a very bad man.”

After being spurned by Drusilla, Spike returns to Sunnydale to give the pot a rather generous stirring. The drunk and depressed Spike enlists (read: extorts) the help of Willow to win Drusilla back with a love spell, kidnapping her and Xander and storing them in his old factory lair (“He’s probably just got ‘em locked up in the factory.” “...How thick do you think I am?”). During his time in Sunnydale, he has a wonderful reunion with Joyce (“Well, Spike, sometimes, even when two people seem right for each other, their lives just take different paths. When Buffy’s father and I started having trouble-” “But this is different, our love was eternal, literally! You got any of those little marshmallows?” “Let me look.”) and calls out Buffy and Angel on their bullshit “friendship.”

Willow and Xander allow their sexual tension to culminate at the worst possible time, celebrating life (and its probable end) with a heated kiss, just as Oz and Cordelia come to the rescue. After a stairway collapses, Cordelia is impaled and the scene fades to funeral, causing the audience to spend a (retrospectively) humorous 30 seconds thinking she’s dead, before the camera pans to Buffy and Willow walking outside of the cemetery talking about how she’s okay. Classic.

3. “The Zeppo”

“Did I mention that I’m having a very strange night?”

This is one of Paul’s all-time favorite episodes. Ordinary Xander Harris finally gets to shine on the center stage, experiencing a wild night of raising the dead, losing his virginity, and saving the school, only his friends are too busy preventing another apocalypse to notice. The usual meat of the show (Buffy’s relationship drama, Big Bad/Monster of the Week) is pushed to the side of the plate, allowing Xander’s plotline to be main focus of the episode. The audience thus only gets to see snippets of the action happening with the show’s de facto major players. We hilariously barely get to see the Hellmouth monster (“My god, it’s grown.”), and we never get to see any part of Angel’s brush with death or what Giles did that Buffy called “the bravest thing” she had even seen.

The show makes fun of its, at times, over-the-top action and drama, also featuring a delicious scene where Xander interrupts a soap-level of camp exchange between Buffy and Angel. Xander is forced to get through the night with his own special set of skills, receiving no aid from his supernatural friends. This gives him a boost in confidence and maturity, allowing him to end the petty war waging between Cordelia and himself.

2. “Prom”

“We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you.”

“Prom” is a no brainer for this list, and the only episode so far that has really eked tears of our Anya. Although she flatly refuses to buy this whole Angel comes all the way back from the dead but still has the same deal going with his soul curse and they can never be together thing, we see the breakup coming from a mile away. Once the Mayor got in Angel’s head it was so. over. We have all that that high school moment where Buffy lays her sad little Slayer head on Willow’s lap and says “I feel like I’m dying”. (Fun Wikipedia fact: Sarah Michelle actually did cry for like half an hour after their onscreen breakup, and they had to close the set for her to recover.)

Paul warns Anya that the end of Prom is the happiest moment that will ever happen on Buffy: the Class Protector Award, and Angel coming through in the end for a last dance. We know Buffy’s sacrifices and hard work are rarely recognized, and that shiny little umbrella really hit Anya where it hurts. That and Angel in his goddamn tux prompting a “I knew he’d come through for me! Uh, her. Yeah, come through for her” text. The whole episode is an emotional rollercoaster, even engendering sympathy for Cordelia when her poverty (and sad, sad “relationship” with Wesley) is revealed.

1. “Graduation Day”

“Guys, take a moment to deal with this: We survived.”
“It was a hell of a battle.”
“Not that battle, high school.”

Graduation: a perfect finale for Buffy’s time in high school, and some of the most tense moments of the season, especially for a first time viewer. The Mayor is Paul’s favorite Buffy villain EVER, and we both enjoy his chipper attitude and sunny tone mixed with his completely fucked everything else. His affection for Faith highlighted how pathetic and love starved they both were, and they fact that Buffy lured him with her knife, of all things, was the final cherry on that twisted sundae.

Paul is a big fan of “Poor old Faith”, which Anya can’t get behind. Despite her hatred of Buffy’s foil, she did enjoy watching her arc play out on screen. Is this what Buffy could have been without her support system? It’s a tragic arc, from start to finish. The stabbing, the spiteful jump to avoid helping Angel, the final visit to Buffy to help her win in the end...it’s all Faith through and through.

Speaking of arcs, we can see that this episode/finale is the end of an era. High school is over, and some of our characters are heading their separate ways. Anya was forced to admit that Angel won’t be back for real this time, Cordelia is off to be vapid elsewhere, and Xander isn’t quite making it to actual college for the time being. We liked that this really felt like an ending, though only a couple episodes into season four, Buffy herself says “it’s basically just like high school.” Too true, Buffs.

Best Moments from Orange Is the New Black

Like everyone else in the internet universe (well, everyone who is anyone), we’ve gotten sucked into the new Netflix phenomena, Orange Is the New Black. Anya started watching in a fit of my-boyfriend-moved-away-and-now-I’m-SO-BORED, and Paul wasn’t long behind her, being a gentleman of distinction who never lets himself fall behind when it comes to popular culture. We haven’t finished unpacking our own thoughts on the show, instead becoming caught up in a morning-long argument about which fucked up person is the worst character on the show. So today we’re just running out a list of favorite moments from our weekend long binge watch. Please remind us of all the ones we’re missing!

Our Favorite Moments:

Miss Claudette’s Crime

After all the of rumors swirling around this lady’s crime and the glimpses we got of her back story, we weren’t convinced that she was as hardened a criminal as they made her out to be. Maybe her cleaning company just got caught up in some wonky tax evasion! Right? But when we saw her at the door of this dude’s apartment, we knew it was o.v.e.r. for him. Ice cold, Miss Claudette. Fantastic.

WASPs in Prison

Carol Chapman is the same ‘well-meaning’, passive aggressive, and impossible wealthy white mother who just can’t understand her daughter’s choices that we’ve seen in a million places. Except visiting a prison! OF COURSE she is scolding Piper about her waning fertility when she has fifteen months to sit in Litchfield. One thing this show does so excellently is place familiar characters, conversations, and dynamics in a place most of us can’t/never want to access. Yes, your mother will still be needling you about her imaginary grandchildren when you’re serving time. Some things never change.

Tastee BBQ

We really can’t add anything to the perfection that is this scene, except to say that we LOVE Tastee and are so glad she can’t handle life on the outside. Sorry, girl!

Alex in Dryer Purgatory

Despite the fact that it was under false pretenses, we kind of enjoyed watching Piper and Alex working together and getting their old dynamic back. Though we don’t generally support infidelity, Larry sucks and prison is boring and sad with no flirting, so go for it ladies! Another thing that makes this show gripping to watch is the fact that any genuine and poignant moments are still happening in a setting that seems absurd to us. Can we identify with being imprisoned for our drug running past? No. Can we identify with poor Alex, trapped and saying desperately “Don’t leave me!”? Fuck yes.

Red’s Withdrawal Remedies

We’ve seen fierce loyalty to Red from many of the girl since the first episode. They’re all perfectly willing to starve Piper out, and she rules the kitchen with an Iron Curtain (oops, we meant fist). We like that in this scene, we see part of why that is. Nicky puts up quite a front with everyone, from issues with her mom to her breakup with Morello, but we finally get to see why she is unquestionably devoted to Red, as well as the softer side of the sassy and hardass cook.

Boy Meets Troubled Girl

The flashbacks to Piper’s old life had shown us a lot of her relationship with Alex, and a lot of the “uptight” juice cleansing, prison survival guide reading, soap making hipster she became with Larry. We loved this scene because it showed us that she really did try on different lifestyles with her different relationships, and that safe Larry who orders Chinese (remember the scene with Polly before her wedding?) is a refuge from crazy Alex, whose life got to be way too much for Piper to live with, rather than some kind of natural soulmate connection.

Pageant Perfection

I mean, come on. What a fun beginning to an episode we knew couldn’t end well. Loved the different takes on Christmas, and the semi secret talents of the inmates coming to light (Hair’s Annie Golden singing for the win!). Nicky’s retelling of Red’s terrible joke was the highlight for us, and another reminder that Red is the mother she never had a functional relationship with.

Yoga Jones Confesses

We were big fans of Yoga Jones and her gravelly voice from episode one. When she punched Watson in the face we were both like “oh shit!” but also “oh...shit, what DID she do?” When she finally confessed and that poor earnest prison guard came in to try on her Tough New Attitude, it was the blend that this show does so well of hilarious and irreverent and heart wrenchingly sad.

And our new favorite quote to defend our...strong opinions? “I used to have a temper. Now I have a passion for justice.”

Texts from this Year Part 2: Anya Redecorates

By this time you should have a pretty good idea of what to expect from our one-sided textual recap (golden moments of reality tv, the low bar set by our co-workers, and the ongoing power struggle between Anya and her mother). What’s noteworthy here is that this series of texts takes place during the month where Anya got her shit together (at least in one significant area of her life). Keep your eyes peeled for a tonal shift as we move forward, but don’t hold your breath for a pile of positivity (it still only comes in pops).

Tuesday, February 26  8:08pm
“it will be hot for him under the sun, yet he can’t go naked because of his alopecia” Lisa on giggy. And this is why I love her
Her fucking pomeranian has selective alopecia

Tuesday, February 26   8:11pm
They’re going to visit her stepson, who is now married to her friend, in San tropez. Context only improves it lol

Wednesday, February 27  6:01pm
You should ask him how getting his books published is going. “Couldn’t you at least get an ebook deal? No? Oof...”

Saturday, March 2  11:27am
My mother has lost what remained of her mind.

“No wire hangers, ever!”

Monday, March 4  6:36pm
Just saw a bumper sticker that says stop abortion now with the stop in a circle with a line through it. I can’t decide if I want to key it or not. You win this round, person with strong, but indeterminate abortion feelings!

Monday, March 4  6:37pm
On second thought, only the anti choicers would have such a stupid fucking bumper sticker.

Thursday, March 7  8:38pm
Also, is it ok that I’m plotting a bedroom with a fuckload of bookshelves but none directly over my head because I’m certain that my vigorous future love life will inevitably tumble them onto my head and I don’t want to be concussed by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

Saturday, March 9  10:31am
“expectations are premeditated disappointments” maybe that should have been our tag line

Saturday, March 9  11:09am
I mean this is supposed to be our for real last house so I can do whatever I want. Maybe staple Ivy to the walls and call it Secret Garden

Maybe skipping the rope swing of death. And the ghosts. And the cholera.

Sunday, March 10  2:39pm
Ahaha my mother HATES my room idea. That’s how I know it’s great

Sunday, March 10  6:21pm
Yup haha. Girlfriend, go visit the gym you fucking “own”!

Monday, March 11  6:31pm
Yeah I feel you. I’m resisting the seductive powers of crazy bread, it’s a challenge

Tuesday, March 12  9:06pm
Paul. Paul. Watching the dance moms explain don’t ask don’t tell, glorious

Bring ‘em back down to earth, Holly.

Wednesday, March 13  8:31pm
I need a catchy phrase for when reality television stars give a medical lecture as if they’re qualified to explain it

Wednesday, March 13  9:28pm
Now Kimmy is pretending to be an expert on private investigating. Realllly need a snappy phrase for this. celecturing? Celebrity lecturing? Ughh I need seamless blending. Like celebutante.

Thursday, March 14  10:15am
Also, Frazzled Feminist today: “sometimes I really loathe my job”

Thursday, March 14  12:04pm
Here’s to hoping I never reach a weight where people getting between me and my lunch hour is a joke rather than a reflection on their lack of consideration

Thursday, March 14  1:11pm
The number of times I have used my sneezes as a form of vengeful chemical warfare is frankly kind of disturbing

Also: saliva and pink eye discharge.

Thursday, March 14  1:26pm
Yes. I picture some evil person in another department tracking our internet movements and just blocking things as we go to them. Or Grouchy Co-worker specifically requested it.

Thursday, March 14  8:37pm
Icy hot packaging says I can wear one for up to 8 hours and no more than 3 times a day. I could be wearing it every waking hour and then some! Can I do my whole back like a mummy?

Thursday, March 14  8:54pm
But it ALL HURTS. What if I ask That Guy to apply them?

Thursday, March 14  8:56pm
Haha then the mummy back is ok?

Thursday, March 14  8:57pm
Or I could ask him to remove the one I just can’t quite reach...

KEEP IT.

10 Hottest Hollywood Jews

We’re ending an incredibly hot week with a blog article about some incredibly hot people. Because the temperatures outside literally will not allow us to voluntarily raise our own body temperatures, we spared you by choosing pictures of all of these sexy people in some of their...cooler...moments. Basically we’re making the case that yes, anyone can look pretty frickin delicious when they have a team of four to six people dedicated to making them look really, really good for an hour and a half of walking down a well laid vermillion carpet, but these ladies and gents look better at their worst than we do at our best. And by “we”, we mean “you”. Sars.

Because we’re so into equality, we divided our list (almost) evenly down the gender line. Because we’re also into the Chosen People, we did not divide our list evenly down the faith line. Jews only today, folks! To be fair, we did not put a shit ton of effort into fact checking the Jewish credentials of these people (but we’re pretty sure the same goes for the folks as Buzzfeed, whose strangely-ordered list last week inspired us to one up them), because the internet says it’s true, and also we don’t care that much.

1. Natalie Portman

We're just going to cut the bullshit and start at the top, and there is no arguing about this, Natalie wins every “Top 10 Hottest” everything, ever. She is the best looking human the world has ever known, and if you think differently you have poor taste. Nat is our girl crush, the only lady Anya allows her boyfriends to admit is hotter than she is (if they deny it, they’re lying). The best part is, it’s not just her perfect face and perfect body that puts her at the top of our list. Israeli born genius, Harvard graduate, vegetarian, need we say more? Plus, she loves her dog and she did that fantastic rap on SNL. Finding a picture for this article led us straight down the rabbit hole of “God, even bald she looks amazing” “Wow, has she EVER taken a bad picture EVER?” and most telling of all: “Ugh, I even want to be her when she’s pregnant”.

Even her goddamn mom hair is inspiring.

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

“Joe” as his friends call him, (that’s us, Joe’s friends!) Mr. Gordon-Levitt has been a favorite of Anya’s since...she laid eyes on him? He charmed us even as a slightly pathetic lovesick puppy in (500) Days of Summer, and redeemed himself in Inception. Remember when he was in Batman and he was super fly in that uniform? Remember how great he looks in a suit? Remember how he said “most pretty girls aren’t funny” and then apologized and felt like an asshole and we actually believed him which is unusual in this day and age? We enjoy that he, unlike Nat, appears to be operating on our plane of existence. Some days he looks like a million dollars, some days he looks like a normal person, but he also seems like a sweetheart.

“Paul, who is that guy that looks like James Franco and Heath Ledger had a perfect lovechild?”

3. Eva Green

Arguably the classiest Bond girl, Eva Green ran rampant over Daniel Craig’s secret agent heart in Casino Royale, and left us sad for the first time at the death of one of his booty calls. She’s sassy, just the perfect amount of weird, and we love her foreign flavor. It doesn’t hurt that she also played one of our favorite heart-breaking witches, Serafina Pekkala (sorry Willow!), in the ill-fated movie adaptation of The Golden Compass. Even when she’s being all French and languid and slightly consumptive, she’s a force to be reckoned with.

And look, science!

4. Jake Gyllenhaal

Ah, Jake. This makes Anya feel a little old, but he was one of her very first crushes after the onset of puberty, and the heartache she felt when he and Kirsten Dunst adopted a puppy together is unmatched to this day (by any other celebrity couple’s demonstration of commitment). Those blue eyes! That invariably spectacular hair! And we’re not sure if this is just great management on the part of his agent, or fact, but Jake always comes off as a good guy in his movies. Like painfully good. If he’s actually a douche, he deserves an Oscar just for fooling us for the past decade and some change. Subtracting points for his short lived relationship(?) with Swifty, adding points for his reaction to her song about him(?) which was: Silence.

Too busy giving no fucks and calling Anya while wearing his flannel plaid.

5. James Franco

It seems like the older he gets, the more of a douchebag James Franco becomes. Anya was pleased when he decided to go to Yale and do some learning, but we all know how that went. And remember when he hosted the Oscars and we all had to spend like three hours feeling bad for Anne Hathaway? And then she was nominated for an Oscar and we had to spend like three months regretting our former pity? ALL HIS FAULT. However, the reason he is getting away with all of this bullshit is clearly his exquisite looks! And he does seems to have a selectively good sense of humor. There’s something in most of us that is conquered by his broody, dark eyed, slightly off kilter mosey through life, and if he can keep milking it, good for him.

Not interested in hiking with him though.

6. Jesse Eisenberg

It’s hard for us to separate Jesse Eisenberg from his excellent portrayal of on-the-spectrum asshole Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network, and we’re not really sure what that says about us given that and his placement on this list. Like an attractive Michael Cera, he’s made a career out of playing bumbling man-boys with communication issues. At first glance, he may not seem like much to look at, but once you get past the fuzzy mop and permafrown, you’ll notice his blue eyes and a bone structure that would make a lot of male models jealous (they’re probably not, however, jealous of his spindly little limbs). Jesse is also a vegetarian who apparently really like cats. We’ll take it.

He also manages to act using only two faces: smug and pondering (pictured here).

7. Rachel Weisz

First point for Rachel: she’s English. We obviously have a deep seated affection for our brethren across the pond, and she is no exception. Second point, if you haven’t seen The Fountain go see it RIGHT NOW because it’s an incredible movie with another incredible actor (Hugh Jackman, only missing from the list because he’s not a Jew), directed by an incredible director, Darren Aronofsky (To whom our girl Nat owes her Oscar and who is missing from our list because he’s not that hot, although he is Jewish).

Unapologetically rock that cardigan, girl.

8. Paul Rudd

I think we all know how Paul Rudd made this list...he’s fucking hilarious, and that can really do a lot for your attractiveness factor. But he’s not just funny, he’s also smart enough to do some pretty incredible improv, and we’re suckers for wordplay (shocking, right?). Even if he weren’t super famous, he’d catch our eye on the street (or in the office) because of his unrelentingly happy golden retriever smile. Seriously, it’s very charming. He’s one of those people that would be a great or friend’s boyfriend, but not someone you want to actually be in a relationship with. While we appreciate the earnest energy he’s always giving off, we prefer our men of age, in that magic trifecta of physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tall order, we know.

Loving the purple, less so on the gut.

9. Josh Bowman

We’re just now realizing our list leans slightly older than we initially expected, with beautiful Brit Josh Bowman being the youngest entry on our list. He’s also the most attractive in the traditional sense, coming to fame for his role as the dreamy Daniel Grayson on the soaptastic Revenge (Paul hasn’t watched past the first season, but hopes that Daniel is still alive and successfully stealing Emily/Amanda’s heart away from dopey Jack). His teeth (or veneers) and nose look pretty great for a former Rugby player. We predict a bright future for Josh of playing young and pretty rich boys and distinguished and pretty rich men.

Some were tougher than others to find “normal” screencaps for.

10. Idina Menzel

What’s not to love about this wacky Broadway lady, with a set of pipes that give us goosebumps and a sexy husband worthy of her greatness? Nothing. We loved her as sassy, eternally self absorbed and terrible Maureen in RENT. We loved her even more when she originated Elphaba in Wicked because holy shit if you haven’t listened to her sing “Defying Gravity,” you are not living life even a little bit. And she did a jazzy remix of “Pokerface” that we listened to our on waterfront drive to Santa Cruz that is fantastic. She’s got a great name, a great voice, and even Glee couldn’t ruin her for us.

Nor could this terrible hairstyle.

Top 5 Episodes of Buffy Season 2

Followers of our blog may have noticed a recent increase in Buffy the Vampire Slayer related pictures and tweets. This is due to Paul finally succeeding in getting Anya to watch the spectacular (I will defend it to my grave) series. Although it may have started in large part due to Anya having to spend an hour a day in an internet free house, and Paul owning Buffy DVDs (we grew up without Netflix), she is now totally on board with the dark, witty, cheesy, and heartbreaking show, and Paul couldn’t be happier.

As Anya finishes a season, we’ll do a rundown of our favorite episodes. Season One only has 12 episodes, and while it sets up the show and has its moments of brilliance, the show did not really hit its stride until Season Two. So we’re just going to skip the first season (not sure we have enough favorite episodes to warrant an entry) and start with the emotionally-charged Season Two. Please be aware that all of these articles will feature spoilers for their, and any previous, season.

5. “Lie to Me”

“It’s just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get.”

We begin our list with “Lie to Me.” This episode is a favorite of Paul’s, mostly for its final scene. After an episode of being confronted with uncomfortable truths, Buffy asks Giles if “life ever gets easy,” and, knowing the answer, requests that he lie to her and gives her the answer that she wishes were true. Giles tells her that life is “terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.” His speech is sweet, yet incredibly tragic, especially considering upcoming events with Angel and Jenny Calendar.

Great comedic moments include Angel wearing the same clothes as a wannabe vamp, the eyeliner (oh god the EYELINER), everything about “Chanterelle” (the name, the clothes, the eternally clueless demeanor), and Drusilla talking to her dead bird (“You sing the sweetest little song. Won't you sing for me, hm? Don't you love me anymore?”).

4. “School Hard”

“Do you like daisies? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.”

This episode is important for its introduction of bad British vamps, Spike and Drusilla. Drusilla is a truly magnificent secondary character. She manages to be ethereal, kooky, and terrifying all at the same time. You really never know what batshit crazy thing she’s going to do or say next, and we love it. Famed slayer of Slayers, Spike, rolls into town to up his kill count to three, and picks Parent Teacher Night, of which Buffy is in charge, to make his first big attack. We learn that subpar student Buffy is also incapable of making lemonade and that Principle Snyder and the police are somewhat aware of the supernatural goings-on and their go-to public explanation of PCP gangs.

Angel pretending to be evil with faux-hostage Xander is great, as is Spike seeing through the charade and angrily bewailing that Angel was his Yoda. If there’s anyone we quote more than Spike and Dru these days, it’s Ewan McGregor’s spectacularly pathetic “You were my brother, Anakin!” and the end of Episode III. Melding these two pop culture phenomena keeps us going through the endless days.

3. “Becoming (Part 2)”

“Close your eyes.”

This is one hell of a season closer. Willow successfully casts a spell to return to Angel his soul, but it is too late and, after a tearful reunion, Buffy is forced (still not buying the necessity of this part) to stab Angel, sending him to Hell. It’s all too much for Buffy, who then leaves town, giving us a rough end to a rough season. With Giles getting tortured, Buffy’s expulsion, Drusilla siding with Angel over Spike, and Xander lying to Buffy about Willow’s spell, there are not a whole lot of bright moments to this episode.

We thankfully briefly get the dynamic duo of Buffy and Spike. This gives us the incredible formal introduction of Spike and Joyce (“Um.. you hit me an axe one time, remember? Uh, ‘Get the Hell away from daughter!’” “Oh...So do you live here in town?”) which is perfection, even if it unfortunately dissolves into the brutal exchange between Joyce and Buffy on acceptance (“I mean, have you tried not being a Slayer?”).

2. “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered”

“I think it’s more of a hot night, don’t you?”

We decided that we needed a safe and silly episode to sit between our third and first selections, and “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” certainly serves that purpose. Though it doesn’t actually come in at second place for either of us, we couldn’t stand putting all of that sad in a row. After being scorned by Cordelia, Xander enlists the help of witchy Amy to cast a love spell on Cordy (so that he can dump and embarrass her), which goes awry and causes all of the women in Sunnydale to become violently obsessed with him. Poor Cordelia’s love(ish) for Xander can’t overcome her desire to be popular, but her getting the locket “out of her locker” pulls at the heartstrings of an especially sensitive viewer (read: not us). And how many times are those two idiots going to seek shelter in the Summers’ not-so-secure basement (Joyce must have some kind of ridiculous home insurance/If you’re okay with the constant threat of death, Sunnydale is the place for contractors and construction workers)?

By far the highlight of this episode for Anya was a creature we affectionately refer to as Buffy-Rat, and nervous little rodent intent on escaping the confines of the library and hunting down some delicious cheddar, but only in a place that is large enough for her to transform herself...in the buff. GET IT? Watching Buffy-Rat scuttle around was a close second to watching Willow try to murder Xander with an axe, uttering sentiments that are probably dangerously close to her true feelings sometimes.

1. “Innocence”

“I’ll just let it burn.”

This episode is the epitome of what Buffy accomplishes at its best: showcasing the heights and depths of the human condition through the Fantasy lens of monsters and magic in a moving way. The show attempts to do this with varying levels of success (Everybody ignored her so much that she became invisible! Be careful what you wish for!), but this is one of the times ol’ Joss got it very right. Anyone who has ever fallen in love with someone who turned out to not be the person you thought they were (which has happened to anyone who has ever fallen in love), can relate to plucky protagonist Buffy Summers, as she slowly (SO VERY SLOWLY!) realizes that the man she loves, Angel, has turned into a monster. Spike may criticize the evil Angelus for being too soft, but his torturous treatment of Buffy throughout this episode is pure cruelty and malice.

The scene in Angel’s apartment where he ridicules her performance in bed, calls her a needy child, and then brushes off her confession of love? UGH. This episode is light on the comic relief, highlights being Xander telling the soldier that he only needs five minutes in a closet with Cordelia and Drusilla’s eternal oddities (this episode features her stargazing through the ceiling and naming them all the same thing). “Innocence” also gives us the iconic Buffy-using-a-rocket-launcher scene and the wonderful speech from Giles, where he tells Buffy that she will only ever find support and respect from him. When Joyce asks Buffy what she did on her birthday and she replies with, “I got older,” you believe it.

Honorable Mention:
“Passion”
In a heavy season of dark and twisty plots and nothing great happening for anyone, Angel’s stalking and murder of Jenny Calendar (or Gyp-say Jen-nay as the more pro-Angel among us call her) really put the sad icing on the miserable cake of this season. This is an extremely important game changing episode, featuring the first death of a major character on the show, but it does not resonate with us as much as the above sad sack selections. We knew when the disc fell that her soul restoring work would live on, but watching Giles smell that rose before ascending the stairs with a smile on his face was a heart wrenching build-up to the scene that made us realize that things with Angel really never could be the same. Ouch.

Weird Shit You Googled to Get to Our Blog

Okay, guys. We’re glad that you found our special little corner of the internet. Like, it’s great. We’re glad that you’re here. But some of you Googled some pretty goddamn bizarre shit to get to us, from ‘LOL wut?’ to ‘WHAT THE FUCK!?’. Perhaps we shouldn’t judge too harshly, with our own lurid history with the Google search engine, and, to be fair, some of these searches are quotes from Minds Melding... but let’s get real, we’re judging the fuck outta you. We hope you enjoy a secret look into the life of our people and your peers.

“bad behavior of queen's corgis”

So. Naughty.

“fertility vase of the ndebele tribe”

“libertarians being called domestic terrorists”

“is stannis a hero” (The answer is no.)

“stannis submissive in bed”

Probably not.

“did joffrey baratheon feel guilt?” (The answer is also no.)

“still sleeping with his wife” (Who?? Mysteries abound.)

“daenerys targaryen boobs gif”

“daenerys boobs all”

“daenerys second sons naked”

“game of thrones dragon queen titts”

“daenerys targaryen tit”

“daenerys targaryen tits gif”

No tits here, guys!

“would stannis ever marry daenerys” (hmm...again no.)

“motherfuckings joffrey baratheon”

“joffrey needs his ass kicked”

“robb stark puppy” (awwwwww *sniffle*)

“joan mad men iron throne”

Can you imagine?

“some elderly negro woman”

“bob benson ‘are you a homo?’”

"ted's infatuation"

“did betty draper really gain weight?”

Do you mean January Jones? Ha, please!

"much older woman"

We close with the largest source of hits from Google searches to our blog:

“trust no one”

Texts From This Year Part 1: Anya Is Never Getting Married

Once again, welcome to this creepy portal straight into Anya’s brain, now in 2013! Besties that we are, she often fires off missives to Paul that get at the especially ridiculous, weird, and inane shit that pops into her heard (Anya’s spelling. I’m unsure if it’s a typo or a new word to describe the ever-confusing combination of one’s head and heart, that extra “r” was an accident, but now it’s staying), and we’ve collected the highlights here for you. Catch up on past editions of this particular series here, and enjoy a journey through the last few years of pop culture, family drama, and outrage that are the running themes of our correspondence.

This edition runs the gamut from TLC’s descent into madness, to our co-workers descent into madness, to our descent into madness. So really a wide range! Enjoy, until the next installment:

Wednesday, January 2  7:13pm
Hahaha I’ll do a dramatic rendition of any quotes you bring back next time we’re at the bar. Soul Sister lost her shit about the 9/11 one. “Well my eighth grade class was supposed to go to New York for our trip but somebody had to go and ruin it for us!” “You mean terrorists?”

Sunday, January 6  12:03pm
Love of my life, light of my world, why hast thou deserted me?

Wednesday January 9  6:22pm
Thinking about getting out of sweatpants is soooo hard

Tuesday, January 15  10:25pm
Oh god extreme cougar wives is the greatest

The handfasting ceremony is what really did me in.

Tuesday, January 15  10:36pm
I would go so far as to say this is where TLC crossed the line

Thursday, January 17  6:21pm
I need to make a body cast of me now to remember how hot I was

Friday, January 18  5:41pm
I mean, Tel Aviv, right? That way if one of us is disappointed we’ll easily be able to find a #yolo Jew to fuck

Sunday, January 20  11:57am
Ugh my mom is already arguing with me about inviting the cousins to my wedding and then said “well let’s not even talk about it, it’s not like you even have one in the offing”

Thursday, January 24  10:16pm
When are we watching prosecuting Casey Anthony on lifetime?

Saturday, January 26  1:03pm
Yeah I figured that would be best. I hope Paul and Paul are actually there to amuse us with their complete lack of pretension (Oddly, these neither of these are *our* Paul, they’re the gentleman owners of a local wine bar that makes a big fuss about how COMPLETELY UNPRETENTIOUS it is. NO WINE SNOBS HERE, FOLKS)

Sunday, January 27  9:46pm
Most harrowing snow/sleet infested drive ever. Ever. I was about to call you with my last will and testament.

Sunday, January 27  9:54pm
Guess I should write that letter now that I’ve had a near death experience

Sunday, January 27  10:15pm
Single ladies dance?! You go you 65 year old minx

Sunday, January 27  10:16pm
Talk about vertigo

Wednesday, February 13  6:13pm
Teary about the friend zone. Just kill me.

Thursday, February 21 10  10:53am
Highlights: 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Big Boss uses the Internet in front of us and uses the word “sexy”. Frazzled Feminist tries to give a presentation. Faded Hippie expresses her extreme skepticism about all of it with facial expressions. That Guy claims Project A as his great achievement of the year, I claim implementing it as mine, unintentionally shame him while provoking laughter from everyone else.

Extreme skepticism.

Thursday, February 21  11:21am
Aaand Frazzled Feminist just dropped a 50 shades of grey reference. And Edge of Retirement is wearing her fighting cock brooch.

Thursday, February 21  10:14pm
“whose dog is that where the lips are falling off?”

Sunday, February 24  7:19pm
Anne Hathaway what in the fuck. Are those nipples or seams?

Honestly, Annie, get it together.

Monday, February 25  5:47pm
Haha if you give a mouse the benefit of the doubt

Monday, February 25  5:50pm
Eating my leftovers all alone now because my family is slugs