He Said/She Said: Our Weekend Away (Again)

You may remember that some time ago, Paul and Anya both ended up on taking weekend trips to the exact same Resort Town on the same days...but not together. Lo and behold, lightning strikes twice. Last weekend, in grim anticipation of our impending move, our families dragged drove us to a small town in our state known for its boutique shopping and waterfront dining for some quality family time. Hooray!

While Anya’s family spent Sunday looking at overpriced jewelry, eating a delicious lunch, and seeking out gluten free ice cream cones, followed by antiquing and a farmer’s market, Paul’s family mostly focused on taking a lovely waterfront walk and craft beers. We all know who got the better end of that deal. Nevertheless, enjoy the rundown!

Actual thing Anya found antiquing. Why are they priced separately!?

HER
My weekend started with a delightful trip down memory lane in the form of a going away party thrown for a good friend from high school. Love her, excited for her, life is great. Life is less great when that party includes a lot of people that would have gone to the high school reunion that I’m purposely skipping because I don’t want to see anyone. That with our family day trip? Well...you’ll see.

THE OLD FRIEND: Are you still dating that...I don’t know how to say this. That Jew?
ANYA: Um, no. No? It’s fine. I mean he was Jewish.

THE SISTER IN LAW: Have you seriously not seen Magic Mike? It’s so great. And when I saw it, I was like literally before now I did not even know the human body was capable of that. Like I did not know that the male body could possibly do the things his body did. I couldn’t believe it. It was like, amazing. We can watch it right now, I have it on DVR. We can watch it RIGHT NOW if you want, just say the word. I have it on the tv, I can fast forward to that part. We don’t have to watch the whole thing.

Add “Magic Mike dick flopping gif” to our list of poor work Google choices.

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN: So you’ve been watching Buffy?
ANYA: Oh, yeah.
NEVER GONNA HAPPEN: Oh yeah that’s a great show. Who’s your favorite character?
ANYA: I mean I love Angel, he’s great. I like Giles a ton.
NEVER GONNA HAPPEN: What about Xander?
ANYA: Ugh, no I hate him. He’s so sad and boring and pathetic.
NEVER GONNA HAPPEN *literally backhands her arm*: No! He’s great! He’s the best!
ANYA: Jesus Heist, I should have seen that coming.

THE SISTER: I always say, if you don’t want to hold on to allllll this, you can get out! Big girls need love too! (She probably weighs 100 lbs)

ANYA: Oh my god, this tub is amazing! Take a picture of me in it for Paul!
THE MOTHER: I’m not sending nudies to your friends.
ANYA: Jesus Heist, I’m not getting naked in the yard of this antique shop!

It was truly a thing of beauty, even without me in it.

THE FATHER: Quoted the hit WE show, Marriage Boot Camp for the *entire* weekend, and has not stopped at the time of this writing.

It’s good to be us!

HIM
I spent a few nights in Artsy Summer Town with my parents and younger brother, spending most of Sunday with my godfather and his family at their cottage. The weekend was filled with fatty foods and the above-mentioned microbrews. Here’s the thing, I’m all for having a good time, but getting blackout drunk with my family was not something I ever needed to experience. And unlike when one (read: I) has hazy memories of an evening out with friends, whom you can ask and (hopefully) laugh with about the blank pages, these are chapters I have no access to. My mother is having a rough enough time with the upcoming move without adding “My son is an alcoholic,” to the mix. I spent Monday morning pretending like I remembered events after 8:00pm, deciphering texts sent to Anya, and secretly puking while showering.

THE GODFATHER: You definitely wanna have Chris Christie come to your Fourth of July party! Who the fuck would have wanted Romney at their goddamn anything!? Ah well, I’m probably going to vote for Clinton.

Never gets old.

THE FATHER: We're shopping for things to put in our summer house, which is currently still our winter house.

THE GODFATHER’S WIFE: Okay, this is going sound a little weird, but have you ever felt your grandfather’s spirit in your house?

PAUL (after ordering whitefish pâté): You guys have seen Heathers, right?
THE FAMILY: No.
PAUL: What are your lives!?

“Great pâté, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that funeral.”

THE GODFATHER: Get my godson another drink! (repeated line)

PAUL: Can you please be a little nicer to our waitress? Can’t you see that she’s been crying?
THE FATHER: Oh, I thought that was just her funny makeup. (which, in his defense, was red and yellow)

THE MOTHER: I was really afraid you were going to throw up in my car last night.
PAUL: Ha. Ha. Ha. I was fine, why would you think that?
THE MOTHER: Well, you weren’t exactly vertical.
PAUL: I was just really tired!