Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Texts from This Year: Paul Is Exposed

Don’t get too excited when you see “exposed”. It’s less like nudey Judies and more like “Hey Paul, isn’t it about time your dirty texting laundry was aired for the world to see instead of mine?” And he was like “Oh? Mmkay…” and here we are. Please enjoy Paul’s foray into the public eye, and respond enthusiastically so Anya can start sharing the hot seat!

First, the real live screenshots that Anya fully intended on continuing and then...didn’t.

Wednesday, March 20   5:57pm
I guess grandma had to go to the dentist to get new bottom teeth and a. She hasn’t had teeth for the past 2 days while they were fixing them and then b. This just happened:
GRANDMA: The dentist don’t look so good.
MOM: Ma, you haven’t seen him for 15 years!

Wednesday, March 20   6:20pm
Donna’s talking about “jezelle(?)” who looks like Lady, but taller, and longer, and bigger.
DAD: Jezelle doesn’t get along with Lady.
MOM: Jezelle doesn’t get along with anybody.

Wednesday, March 27   12:03pm
Watching [sweet old co-worker] “get into it” with [obnoxious old co-worker]. Frazzled Feminist is “mediating”

Wednesday, March 27   6:19pm
DAD: I’m telling you, wilted bacon dressing is the best. Hoffman House had a wilted bacon dressing to die for.
MOM: Hoffman House? What’s Hoffman House??
DAD: ...the place where we had our wedding reception.

Saturday, April 6   2:15
Lol that’s what I get for deleting his texts. They always know.

Tuesday, April 9   10:07am
On the last unit of my driver improvement course. Shit's getting weird.
"Bicycle lanes are for bicycles. Pretty obvious."
"School buses carry our most precious cargo (our children)."

Saturday, April 20   12:43pm
Frantic Friend canceled her (half) marathon... for the sake of sensitivity?

Sunday, May 26   5:14pm
That drug den skillet is not sitting well in my stomach

Tuesday June 18   2:04pm
sometimes i wish that you weren't dating someone, just so that we could use you as a tool to destroy other people's lives more often

Tuesday July 23   4:30 pm
I can’t hear ‘This Girl is on Fire’ without inserting ‘Bride’ in. I always kind of laugh and kind of hate myself at the same time. I wish I knew whether or not she was a huge cunt.

Thursday July 25   12:15 pm
I applied for a job at a Holocaust Museum. It’s in the gift shop though, and I’m honestly having kind of an ethical dilemma about it.

Sunday July 28   6:37 pm
The neighbors brought your parents wine?? Are they swingers?

Saturday August 3   8:25 pm
Da ya evah think to yaself “If eye fucking were an olympic sport...”?

Ending on a spectacular note with a series of texts that a sleepy Anya got from an increasingly drunk Paul who was out with this parents on this weekend away.

Sunday August 4   6:00-10:30 pm
Lol shit’s gotten really weird. My godfather’s wife asked if I ever “felt my grandfather’s spirit” in the house.
The Libertarian is good. It super weirds me out, but he’s different in a good way, like persimmons.
I picked the wrong beer. I’m drunk as a rude skunk.
No yay. i’m a rabid mammal
Izzit? I’m trying not to puke in front of my parents.
No biting, just hugging?
Ya, Im fime, just drunk
When are we going to watch the canyons?


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