Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Texts From This Year Part 1: Anya Is Never Getting Married

Once again, welcome to this creepy portal straight into Anya’s brain, now in 2013! Besties that we are, she often fires off missives to Paul that get at the especially ridiculous, weird, and inane shit that pops into her heard (Anya’s spelling. I’m unsure if it’s a typo or a new word to describe the ever-confusing combination of one’s head and heart, that extra “r” was an accident, but now it’s staying), and we’ve collected the highlights here for you. Catch up on past editions of this particular series here, and enjoy a journey through the last few years of pop culture, family drama, and outrage that are the running themes of our correspondence.

This edition runs the gamut from TLC’s descent into madness, to our co-workers descent into madness, to our descent into madness. So really a wide range! Enjoy, until the next installment:

Wednesday, January 2  7:13pm
Hahaha I’ll do a dramatic rendition of any quotes you bring back next time we’re at the bar. Soul Sister lost her shit about the 9/11 one. “Well my eighth grade class was supposed to go to New York for our trip but somebody had to go and ruin it for us!” “You mean terrorists?”

Sunday, January 6  12:03pm
Love of my life, light of my world, why hast thou deserted me?

Wednesday January 9  6:22pm
Thinking about getting out of sweatpants is soooo hard

Tuesday, January 15  10:25pm
Oh god extreme cougar wives is the greatest

The handfasting ceremony is what really did me in.

Tuesday, January 15  10:36pm
I would go so far as to say this is where TLC crossed the line

Thursday, January 17  6:21pm
I need to make a body cast of me now to remember how hot I was

Friday, January 18  5:41pm
I mean, Tel Aviv, right? That way if one of us is disappointed we’ll easily be able to find a #yolo Jew to fuck

Sunday, January 20  11:57am
Ugh my mom is already arguing with me about inviting the cousins to my wedding and then said “well let’s not even talk about it, it’s not like you even have one in the offing”

Thursday, January 24  10:16pm
When are we watching prosecuting Casey Anthony on lifetime?

Saturday, January 26  1:03pm
Yeah I figured that would be best. I hope Paul and Paul are actually there to amuse us with their complete lack of pretension (Oddly, these neither of these are *our* Paul, they’re the gentleman owners of a local wine bar that makes a big fuss about how COMPLETELY UNPRETENTIOUS it is. NO WINE SNOBS HERE, FOLKS)

Sunday, January 27  9:46pm
Most harrowing snow/sleet infested drive ever. Ever. I was about to call you with my last will and testament.

Sunday, January 27  9:54pm
Guess I should write that letter now that I’ve had a near death experience

Sunday, January 27  10:15pm
Single ladies dance?! You go you 65 year old minx

Sunday, January 27  10:16pm
Talk about vertigo

Wednesday, February 13  6:13pm
Teary about the friend zone. Just kill me.

Thursday, February 21 10  10:53am
Highlights: 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Big Boss uses the Internet in front of us and uses the word “sexy”. Frazzled Feminist tries to give a presentation. Faded Hippie expresses her extreme skepticism about all of it with facial expressions. That Guy claims Project A as his great achievement of the year, I claim implementing it as mine, unintentionally shame him while provoking laughter from everyone else.

Extreme skepticism.

Thursday, February 21  11:21am
Aaand Frazzled Feminist just dropped a 50 shades of grey reference. And Edge of Retirement is wearing her fighting cock brooch.

Thursday, February 21  10:14pm
“whose dog is that where the lips are falling off?”

Sunday, February 24  7:19pm
Anne Hathaway what in the fuck. Are those nipples or seams?

Honestly, Annie, get it together.

Monday, February 25  5:47pm
Haha if you give a mouse the benefit of the doubt

Monday, February 25  5:50pm
Eating my leftovers all alone now because my family is slugs


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