Time Thieves

Is nothing sacred to you people!?

We are now going to turn to something of a serious subject, at least something that is bound to get us seriously testy.  We will admit that we’re not spending every second of every day working as hard as we possibly can. Sorry, that’s what happens when you pay someone weaksauce wages to do a full time job functions with no benefits. We take our full lunch hours. Sue us. The thing is, while we aren’t taking required breaks, we’re doing our job. All the time. You know, forty hours a week, like you’re supposed to when you have a goddamn job. If you think we’re bitter about our underemployment in a vacuum, you might be shocked at the depths of days-old office-coffee bitterness we’re about to reach given what everyone else in the office is up to. Strap in.

Here’s the thing:  Contrary to what you might believe from our online personas (and the above statement), we’re excellent employees.  If you’ve read any of our Overheard in Office pieces, you might realize that we don’t actually have to put that much effort to truly shine here.  We also have the joy (luck? poorly-paid pleasure?) of being at the bottom of the totem pole at our organization and because of our relative unimportance, we’re able to remain a kind of a neutral unit and keep ourselves out of most of the dirty departmental office politics.

Office politics!?  Blech.

Being unimportant also has its disadvantages beyond the pathetic pay grade. Because we have no real say in anything that actually matters at work, we’re often sucked into every uncomfortable, lengthy, and bullshit filled conversation that our “superiors” don’t want to share with their actual co-workers. They think they can interrupt our work because we’re twenty years younger and can’t say no. It’s a really healthy dynamic, obviously.

Welcome to the complex world of Time Thieves.

Another hour of my life wasted chatting about dead relatives. Great.

The thing about Time Thieves is that they’re not all bad.  Some of them are actually great, in terms of both person and timing. When we’re stuck at our desks waiting for those last excruciating twenty minutes to pass until lunch, when we’re waiting for our attachments to load at 3pm and we need a distraction from our Junior Mints craving, we welcome a weird chat with a weird co-worker. “Fodder for the blog!” we say to ourselves, open up the Overheard in the Office Google doc, and settle in to take some notes. For you, our readers, we will sit through the umpteenth retelling of No Boundaries’ sorry tales of love lost, friendships with flavor, and craft shows. We will nod silently as Troubled Temp details her medical woes. We will smile through gritted teeth as That Guy talks about his children.

But. BUT.

God help those Time Thieves when they are stealing OUR time instead of company time.  When we’re about to take our daily lunch walk (to maintain both our figures and a healthy distance from the building while we rampantly talk shit), do NOT stop us three feet from escape into the fresh air to ask about our weekends (and by ask about our weekends, we mean ask us about our weekends solely for the purpose of creating an opening for yourself to blabber on about yours). While we’re on afternoon break, we’re not available to help you figure out something you should have been able to do for the last decade (lookin’ at you, Microsoft Office). And for all that is good in this world (puppies), don’t be the fucking asshole that wants to chat until 5:20pm because you got in late and have to stay late.

All/Only thing that’s good in this world.

WE WORK FOR AN HOURLY WAGE, SIR. WE STOPPED GETTING PAID TO LISTEN TO YOUR BULLSHIT TWENTY MINUTES AGO. But how can we escape when we’re trapped in a cubicle, door blocked by a neverending stream of shit talking? Not to mention the fact that it’s almost always this awful mixture of inane chattery, shit talking about management, and thinly-veiled intolerance (context: the perpetrator whose long-winded conversations led to the invention of time thievery terminology is known to blast Rush Limbaugh from his office).  If we’re really unlucky, there’s a dash of sexual harassment on the side. Or should we say the cherry on top. Wink. (We put you through that because it’s an example of the caliber of cleverness involved in said harassment.)

Time Thieves: Check yo selves. Make your idle chatter and involve us in your Game of Thrones level subterfuge while we’re on the clock, not while we’re clearly trying to cherish the few minutes each day we desperately need to help us decompress after our last interaction with you.

Thanx.

Top 6 Looks from Mad Men S6 E8: The Crash

Well.  Saddest drug trip episode of Mad Men ever?  It sure looked like it was going to be fun at first, but when are “crashes” ever good?  The episode starts with a literal car crash for Ken and the rambunctious Chevy boys, and ends with almost all of the male staff members at [What the fuck is their obnoxiously long acronym now?] making complete asses of themselves as they spend 24-72 hours hopped up on amphetamines.  When this “doctor” appeared on the scene with his “vitamin supplement” shots, Anya immediately said “What, did he bring in JFK’s doctor?!” And he might as well have, given the punch these injections packed.  Don’s had some pretty low moments over the course of the show, but this episode gave us uber pathetic knocking on Sylvia’s door and forcing Peggy and Ginsberg to help(?) him with his “pitch” for Sylvia to take him back.  And holy hell, the turbans in this episode, thrown around like we didn’t already get that Don has serious Mommy issues.

Top Moments:

• DON: The timbre of my voice is as important as the content.
  We would argue that it’s more important.
• Wendy not being able to find Don’s heart... Keep looking, girl.
• Ken’s phenomenal tap dance that has us cringing for the pain he’ll be feeling in his foot tomorrow.
• Ginsberg hitting Stan with a letter opener? Pen? during their William Tell game.
• Stan and Peggy kissing!  Better than Abe, but girl is holding out for Ted.  Sorry, Stan!
• STAN: You have a great ass.
  PEGGY: Thank you.
• “Because you know what he needs”
• BETTY: I’ll tell you what’s going on, some elderly negro woman held your children hostage and robbed you blind.”

6. Back-to-Blonde Betty

That “elderly negro woman” sure was right about Betty being a piece of work though, huh?  Betty is looking noticeably thinner and is has returned to her customary blonde locks, thanks to a great “bottle job.”  Her outfit here... isn’t that great, but this episode was a bit of a downer for fashion as well.  Betty can definitely do better than this red and cream combo, and we look forward to seeing some knock-outs on the campaign trail (In case you didn’t know, Henry is running for office). God, I love her, hate all you want. “I earned it!” “On what street corner?”. Great. Parenting.

5. Ken’s Gamboling Greens

We had a bit of a freak out when the episode opened on poor little Ken getting in a car accident, so we were happy to see him relatively unharmed back at the office.  This is a nice shade of green on him, but we’re mostly including this look for its presence during Ken’s RIDICULOUSLY AMAZING TAP DANCE.  That came outta nowhere and definitely bumped Ken up to the top of Man Men characters we would want to do drugs with.  Also, Dawn’s face in this scene?  Fucking priceless.  What an interesting few days this must have been for all the secretaries in the office.  We hope some of them used this opportunity to ask for raises.

4. Peggy’s Orange Ensemble

Peggy’s clothes just keep getting better and better.  Who do you think she goes shopping with?  We can’t picture Mama Olson helping her pick out any of these looks, or Abe for that matter.  The patterned orange and white striped dress with cute button detailing looked pretty nice on her as she started the weekend sober.  Maybe it’s just because we’re breathlessly awaiting the holiday weekend coming our way, but it put us in mind of beachy environs and maybe even a sailboat. Think Ted sails as well as he flies?

3. Sylvia’s Starfish

Alright, girlfriend!  We see you went out and got your hair done, got a nice little colorful suit, and AN ADORABLE STARFISH BROOCH WITH MATCHING EARRINGS!  We were pretty impressed with her holding her ground on the phone, after she discovered Don had been standing outside of their door smoking (Perfectly normal).  We’re almost sad to see her go, as she seems to have grown on us a little bit.  That self-respect shit is doing wonders for your complexion, lady!

2. Peggy’s Funeral Outfit

We’re just realizing that this is the second episode this season that features a funeral outfit in our top looks section.  Hmmm.  That’s totally fine right? We just really like black.  Even as Peggy got less sober, and therefore more bedraggled as this episode progressed, we really like this black dress with graphic scarf number.  The hat really made it for Anya, with the cute little tails down the back.  It was a great funeral outfit, maybe for Ted’s benefit, made sadder by the fact that Peggy wore it while sharing Stan’s grief for his cousin and almost kind of sort of mentioning the loss of her baby.  Luckily for her, she’s still the LEAST pathetic character of the episode by far.

1. Megan’s “Casting Couch” Outfit

Per usual, Anya was not as in love with this as Paul, but due to the mostly lackluster week for Mad Men apparel, Paul was able to push for this to get the top slot.  (Quite honestly, I was pulling for Sally’s great pajamas).  We wonder what play Megan was going to dressed in this groovy pink and orange swirly number.  Megan has some kind of awesome hair, that we wish we could have seen that back of, and her usual assortment of excessive gold jewelry, including some kind of morningstar-esque fetish necklace.  Girl could benefit from Coco Chanel’s accessorizing philosophy, amirite?  Love the fishnets.  Also, how great was Megan’s bribe to Sally of a pair of go-go boots to go with the tiny mini featured in the above Betty shot?

Daenerys Targaryen: The Dragon Queen

We have come to the end of our series of debates on the potential kings and queen of Westeros, finishing with Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord(?) of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, called Daenerys Stormborn, The Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Shackles (You can tell Paul’s heart is really in this one).  Without further ado, let the arguments commence!

For:

We saved the best for last, folks.  My heart really is in this one, but why the fuck shouldn’t it be?  Daenerys is a much-loved character, and with good reason.  To hate Dany would be akin to hating Peggy Olson on Mad Men.  She doesn’t have to be your favorite character (he says begrudgingly), but if you abhor her, you’re doing it wrong.  While the series has no “main character” she serves as its heart and soul.  Daenerys is not simply an interesting, dynamic, and relatable character, she also makes the best ruler of Westeros, among all current contenders.

Daenerys is the last confirmed Targaryen, the house that is responsible for the unification of Westeros and for ruling that kingdom for almost 300 years.  Westeros belongs to them.  Without the actions of the Targaryens, the lands would have remained seven separate kingdoms.  Robert’s Rebellion and subsequent stint as a subpar king have not erased the powerful dynasty of the Targaryens, especially when there remains a living heir, a living heir with not one, not two, but THREE GODDAMN DRAGONS.

Dragons may have been absent from the world for the last few centuries, but those fire-breathing, flying motherfuckers are back, y’all.  They are the “children” of Daenerys and although they are still relatively small, at least in comparison to some of the skeletons in King’s Landing, they have proven themselves to be quite capable at burning down warlocks and slavers, without breaking a sweat.  Aegon, Rhaenys, and Visenya swooped down on the Westerosi kingdoms on the backs of their dragons, where they swiftly conquered and united the realm, and as soon as Drogon, Viserion, and Rhaegal are grown, Daenerys should have no problem following in her ancestors’ footsteps.  Combine that with her loyal army of Unsullied and devoted followers of freed slaves and members of her khalasar, and our Silver Queen is as unstoppable as the urge to roll my eyes at presumptuous (read: all) children.

The most important thing about Dany, beyond her birthright, power, and legitimate cause for vengeance, is that she actually is a spectacular queen.  At the start of the series, Daenerys is girl with very little agency, a puppet of her brother and Illyrio Mopatis.  As the series continues, the audience gets to watch Daenerys discover herself and the world around her and take hold of the reigns and refuse to let go.  Daenerys excels at the game of thrones, quickly mastering the arts of playing coy, concealing her hand, and delivering swift strikes to her foes.  While she may often state that she is “but a young girl, [who] knows little” of  various activities, both she and the audience know better.  Daenerys may be getting further and further away from Westeros, but she is amassing an army and dealing hard justice to terrible people committing atrocities.  

At the end of the day, there is one crucial aspect of Dany’s personality that sets apart from her contenders and is what truly makes her the finest ruler.  Daenerys, Mysha to all, is the only potential monarch who is more concerned about the well-being of people, both her own and the downtrodden innocents she encounters, than what throne she sits upon.

-Paul

Against:

Oh Daenerys...you have a lot of titles for someone who actually has a total of three dragons and a bunch of vagrants to her name. I will readily admit that Daenerys is one of the least morally bankrupt contenders for the Iron Throne, and that I like her. She has real leadership skills, she learns from her mistakes, she’s a dragon whisperer, and she’s got great tits. Hooray! As much as everyone wants to make one million gifs of Daenerys being a badass with her sassy lines and her unexpected language skills and paste them all over Tumblr, popular vote here in Reality Land is not the way elections work in Westeros.

Obviously.

Sniff.

If George R.R. Martin were writing happy plots for everyone we liked, he wouldn’t have fucking beheaded Ned Stark in the first goddamn book, etc. So now I’m tasked with explaining to you why fantastic clothes and likeability do not a queen make (That’s why we’re suffering through Cersei and Margaery’s boring bullshit and fairly heinous clothes). I think Daenerys would have been a great partner to Khal Drogo, awesome mother, and then graceful retiree to the Dothraki Council of Women Who Outlive Their Husbands. She’s adaptable, sure. Been workin’ it and makin’ it work in the plains and in the desert, amirite?

But. BUT. In order to conquer Westeros you need allies. In order to rule Westeros, you need more than just a few allies. She is just not tapped into the hellish network of plotting and politics, and most of them barely know she is alive. Yes, dragons will be helpful from a military standpoint (also for wow factor and lighting fireworks/cannons/etc.), but they terrify most of Dany’s loyal followers, will a nation of strangers want to be ruled by them? Nope. She can’t control them as it is, and they’re only getting bigger. With winter coming, Westeros can’t handle worst case scenario, widespread burning of fields, and best case scenario, feeding those things for years on end. Not to mention, having three dragons to reunite the Seven Kingdoms in fear also require THREE riders. So far, we have one. ONE. And she hasn’t even done it yet.

Speaking of dragons, Dany comes from a long line of them, and let me remind you, they were BATSHIT FUCKING INSANE. The people of Westeros think “Mad King” when they hear Targaryen, and Daenerys hasn’t exactly always done things that others would consider well thought out or reasonable. I have a very, very difficult time imagining that “her” people would accept her, when they have no reason to believe that she’s any different. Perhaps worse, with dragons to do her burning alive for her. They will fear her, and her dragons. Will they follow another Targaryen? Especially after they’ve been plotting amongst themselves for years, trying to make calculations and jockey for position with whichever House they believe poised to lead. They have no good reason to accept someone who is, at best, an outsider and an unknown quantity.

Sure, people love you when you save them from slavery or rape, sometimes. But will the people of Westeros love her for disrupting their perfectly normal lives with flames from the sky? And it’s not as though Dany’s good intentions have been all that helpful...in fact lots of people have been worse off as a result of her mothering.

Give it up girl! Pick a nice warm city, rule it, and eat bon bons on your roof porch all day.

-Anya

We hope that you have been enjoying these and that there aren’t any mega Greyjoy fans out there that are offended we excluded Balon from the list (lolz).  We can safely say this will not be the last time A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones is featured on our blog, so check back for more thought-provoking Westeros-based articles in the future, or, at the very least, majestic/arousing/comical gifs.

Things We Googled At Work and Immediately Regretted

More than once, we have had the feeling that there is some tech person, locked into a dark cave somewhere, monitoring our internet activity while we’re at work. This conviction has only been strengthened by the fact that we have recently seen a sharp increase in the number of blockpages on sites that we regularly visit (with most of them being categorized as “Tasteless.”  RUDE). You can imagine how this affects our productivity as we frantically try to work our way around the fact that Game of Thrones has the word “game” in it, and is therefore apparently not work appropriate. Ugh.

Then again, there are work Googles and things better Googled on your phone. The following is a tribute to distinctions we should have made, and the mysterious tech person who puzzles over them:

“Best way to clean DivaCup”

“Robert Baratheon’s will”

“Sheep farms that don’t eat the lambs”

“Zodiac killer picnic”

“Copper IUD”

“Raccoon photobomb”

“Women Don Draper has slept with”

“Jewish women Don Draper has slept with”

“What caffeine does to your brain”

“Places that deliver to [place of employment]” (this one because we do NOT need to be having all of those calories delivered directly to our door).

“Jon Snow’s parentage”

“Office chair exercises” (Just. Embarrassing.)

“Jobs in Chicago/D.C./Denver/New York/San Francisco/Seattle”

“Kombucha tea” (THE FUCK?!)

“How to brew kombucha tea” (obvious follow up)

“BMI calculator”

“Body Fat Percentage calculator”

“Online calorie tracker”

“Stannis Baratheon chest” (looking for his breastplate!)

“Are five year reunions a thing?”

“Angry cats”

“Disheveled cats”

“Feral cats”

“Perineum tear”

“Tears in childbirth”

“How much do abortions cost in [state]?”

“Is heart cancer a thing?”

“Robb Stark direwolf puppies” (no way to disguise this sexy time suck as work)

“Daenerys Targaryen” image search

"hacking"

“Process of [any medical procedure]”

“End of honeymoon phase in marriage”

“Richard Madden’s ass”