Facebook Friends, How Do I Hate Thee?

Let me count the ways.

Unlike Julia Stiles, we actually do HATE you.

Remember when Facebook required a college email address to sign up? Those were the days. That was technically a little before our time, but Anya got in on the ground floor when the kids in a summer class she was taking at our nearby school made her join so they could work on a group project via this great new social networking site. Before we had to worry about our grandmas seeing everything we did online, before you could access the site from your cell phone, back when your status had to start with “Paul Smith is...”

If you think we miss those days, you’re only partially correct. The thing that we miss most about olden times Facebook is the fact that no one really knew what they were doing on it. Don’t get us wrong, there was still the odd emo status, the beginnings of aggressive cyber-stalking carried over from MySpace and Xanga and Livejournal (remember that shit, you guys? Every once in awhile we still look up those old Xanga sites we used to stalk, and we have basically the same reactions now as we did then. We’ve matured from cackling hyena pups to cackling hyena pack leaders), etc. Nowadays? Ugh.

Here’s the thing, Facebook World: You’re doing it wrong. Luckily, we’re here to detail the right and the oh so wrong ways to use Facebook, complete with examples. Look, we get that for some reason there’s a push for creating a brand for ourselves. People like to be able to easily categorize ALL THE THINGS, including other people. Employers might be looking for a certain “type” and you want to be that guy! Sure. But it’s so goddamn annoying to watch all of these people you know in real life put on a persona that you know is bullshit.

The most common offenders:

1. Look how happy I am (with my new house/job/relationship)

 2. Look how smart I am (pursuing an advanced degree and being so busy)

 3. Look how pretty I am (please like my 2,376 photos of myself. Photoshopped.)

 4. Look how liberal I am (I support basic human rights by changing my profile pic)

 5. Look how brave I am (standing up for my intolerant religious beliefs)

 6. Look how cool I am (with my obscure bands and thrift-store clothes)

 7. Look how sensitive I am (with my sincere, heartfelt responses to the tragedies of strangers)

Find our thoughts on the oversharers (Look at me getting this cavity filled, look at me getting my prescriptions filled at Meijer, look at all of the friends I have, look at my stitches/surgery wounds/IV/hospital band, I neutered my dog, here’s a pic of his nuts! etc.) here.

So that’s pretty bad, right? When faced with that bullshit every time we log on, some of you might say “If you hate it that much, just get off Facebook! No one will miss you, you clearly spend enough time together that you don’t need it, stop complaining and deactivate!” If this is your attitude,

You guys, we NEED Facebook, and we have earned the privilege of using it by not being fucking assholes. Please find below our list of acceptable ways to use Facebook which do not entail annoying the snot out of other people. Because that’s kind of how we go about life.

Proper way to use Facebook (us)

-Share funny picture or video with friends, don’t have to wade through the shit that is tumblr.

-Spy on people and mock

-Blasts from the past

-Stalking work acquaintances