The Dating Survey

A few short years ago, Anya found herself single after a long period of turbulent relationship bullshittery (is there any other kind?). When she was ready to start taking applications for arm candy, Paul decided to help her out by developing a very sophisticated screening system, that would keep out the Cheating Bastards, the Never Gonna Happens, and the Don’t Waste My Times. Twas a valiant effort.

And now behold, what could be a very helpful tool in your personal life. Feel free to add your own incredibly pointed questions, it’s done wonders for Anya.

Name:

Do you pronounce your last name correctly?

Describe your penis. Does it have any quirks/faults/piercings/diseases?

Do you like Ginny Weasley?

Were you born and raised in another country?

Will your family make good in-laws?

While returning possessions to an ex, have you ever “accidently” mixed in items belonging to your current squeeze?

Do you act your age?

How many people have you slept with? / Have you slept with more people than Natalie Portman has?

Have you ever been on a daytrip to/vacationed in/owned property in Crazytown?

Are your friends lame?

Are you on any medications? Is yes, list what and why.

Do you have any pets? If so, do they hate sex?

Are you from the south?

Do you have an opinion on anything?

Where is the most exciting place you’ve traveled to?

Do you have any life goals? Do I fit into them?

Do you regularly brush your teeth?

Are you capable of communicating your thoughts/intentions/feelings?

Do you watch Fox News for any reasons other than providing laughter?

Are you willing to accept that I’m right about everything?

Do you sing? If yes, should you sing?

Are you a ginger?

Are you currently involved with anyone else?

Is your main goal in life to see as many nipples as possible?

Are you from [Hometown]?

Are you age appropriate for me?

Do we work together?

Do you subscribe to a diet that is wholly incompatible with mine? If so, can I cajole you into sharing ice cream with me anyway?

Everyone lies. Agree or disagree?

Have you ever attended a fishuneral? (A funeral for a fish). If so, how did you feel about the experience?

Do you want children?

Do you look like you would fit in with the cast of Jersey Shore?

Are you actually just trying to exploit my numerous resources?

Will you be able to cope with the fact that I generally hate humanity?

Honest to God answers that were turned in via social media (we’ve cut the blah yes’s and no’s because they’re boring):

suprisingly straight (referring to his dick. yup.)

? (DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A WEASLEY IS)

if i tell them too (like you can boss your family into being good in-laws...once religious conservative dickheads, always religious conservative dickheads)

only if a Crazy Train runs through it (NO excuse for living in Crazy Town, sir)

y-and we limit his poontang (his cat’s...poontang.)

n fuck gingers (acceptable)

fuck [Hometown] it smells like dick cheese

Another gentleman caller:

fantastic (this is a heinous lie, also, it’s shocking how many of them will address the penis question)

n - older (acts older than his age? ha.)

nowhere really (not well traveled)

yes - probably, though that's a bit crazy to ask (YOU’RE crazy for thinking it’s crazy that I would like an idea of whether or not a relationship fits in with your long term life goals!)

yes. i am. fuck you paul. lol (this very eloquent “fuck you” sort of undermines his claims of emotional intelligence)

n - gingers scare me (funny how this works)

Even Lindsay says no to this shit.

The Curious Culture of Office Parties

As regular readers may have guessed, we have complex love/hate relationships with almost every element of our work lives. Scratch that, every element of our lives, period. You might think the older we get, the more we would see those fifty shades of gray...but you’d be very wrong. It’s more like the older we get, the faster we vacillate between loving and hating with equal fervor. Is this adulthood, guys? We doubt it. To be fair, it’s not like we have been living and working with paradigms of maturity for the past twenty something years.

Two of the major players on our list of “Things We Can’t Live With or Without” are ‘free food’ and ‘co-workers making asses out of themselves.’ As you may have guessed, we may not have the healthiest of bonds with food (Thanks, Mom), and while our office mates’ constant fuckassery may be amusing, it isn’t making our work days any easier or doing anything great for our overall nerves. These two elements are, of course, combined in an unholy union during those horrifying and yet glorious spectacles known across the land as office parties.

Would that our office parties could match this level of dysfunction.

Unfortunately, instead of reveling in gorgeous clothes, awkward office romance, and after hours punch bowls full of the liquor with which our office is well stocked year round, we get something that looks more like this:

Sans smiles.

As if the holidays aren’t already fraught with diet killers and food enablers around every corner, offices are rife with So-and-So’s FAMOUS cookies/brownies/cupcakes/mac and cheese/potatoes/four course dinner. You know what’s not on that list? Salad. Don’t get us wrong, we’re as delighted as can be when we discover that Spacey Secretary has a big bowl of festive York mints on her desk, but the constant stream of free food is a blessing and curse. Knowing our coworkers as you do (because surely you’ve read up on them!), you won’t be shocked to learn that they have plenty to say about our growing (or shrinking) waistlines.

Eating habits aside, we make a point to show up to every office gathering possible, from birthdays and anniversaries (with the company and each other) to volunteer gatherings and building redesigns. Spent Supervisor avoids them like the plague, and maybe we would as well after spending 10 years with these guys, but the novelty has certainly not worn off on us. We also know that the real stories lie not in the food, but in the conglomeration of all the different kinds of office crazy in a confined celebratory setting.

We always grab seats in a corner, giving ourselves as wide of a view as possible (and preventing sneak attacks from Time Thieves), whip out our notebooks, and watch the awfully awkward office banter on non-work topics unfold. Since most members of each department hate each other (unless they are temporarily allied in their complaints of a different department’s low quality of work/disrespect for deadlines/general smarmy disposition), a unique set of cliques form. These small groups consist of: overly-religious loudmouths, people who have been at the company forever, aggressive knitters, smokers, carpoolers from the east, “foodies” (allergic to gluten/allergic to dairy/health nut/faux health nut/vegetarian/faux vegetarian/elaborate baker), confused newbies, and people who really are just there for food.

“Of course not, Mother, I’m only here for the food.”

Scattered throughout are the completely oblivious nice folks, like Spacey Secretary, who have never really figured out the rules of these parties and formed a table of their own, and are thus each trapped trying to make pleasant conversation on their table’s topic (“Well, I don’t have any patterns to share, but I did crochet an orange hat way back when for my high school boyfriend!”). No Boundaries tramples around the room forcing everyone to try their dish, which you’ll never believe was made with [surprising food substitute]/a recipe [dead relative] found on a box/a marriage ruiner, launching torpedoes of tolerance and planting mines of multiculturalism.

Perhaps the highlight of our year (at least when it comes to this particular topic), is the office Christmas party. Obviously we’re still thinking about it six months later...that’s how spectacular it is. Anya stumbled upon the party unexpectedly one year, and her shock and awe drove Paul to join her the next. This party has all of the makings of true office bullshit. Potluck? Check. During work hours? Check. No alcohol allowed? Check. Parody Christmas carols? Double motha fuckin check. Yes, we don’t just have carolers here...we have a freakish mashup of Dr. Seuss, Weird Al Yankovic, and Jingle Bells, sung aloud, by co-workers, in the middle of a totally sober afternoon. We experience these things so you don’t have to.

Exemplar of sophisticated humor.

Top 6 Looks from Mad Men S6 E11: Favors

That had to have been one of the saddest Mad Men moments ever. Earlier in the season, we had a sinking suspicion that Don and Sylvia were going to caught, only we were sure that it was going to be a dramatic encounter with either Megan or Arnold. We figured we were wrong, once the affair “ended,” and went about our days theorizing character deaths and sexualities. The room was thus filled with gasps when the adulterous reunion of Don and Sylvia was discovered by poor goddamn Sally Draper, who is old enough to know what’s happening, but not old enough to deal with it (Does that age exist?).

This episode, transparently titled “Favors,” wasn’t so much about the actual acts of favors (although there were a lot of them), as it was about the roles that people play and the motivations and numerous expectations that go along with them. We might be able to easily answer the question of what makes someone a good friend or parent or co-worker, but it becomes a bit more complicated when we try to occupy multiple roles at the same time, especially when two or more of them are in direct conflict with each other. Don occupies the most complex position when he is looking for assistance from his work partners and clients because he is trying to help his wife help their neighbor-friends (one of whom is an ex-lover) with their child, colossally letting down his own daughter after getting caught rekindling his affair. You know, typical simplistic Mad Men storyline.

Ted and his bland wife are having marital problems (surprise...), but Ted steps up to the plate and realizes that while he’s being a great ad man and boss, chumming around with Pete and Peggy and buying them so many drinks they have a sincere moment...he’s letting things go at home. Whether he enjoys it or not, we see him go home at the end of the episode to be an actual, functional father to his children (although he pointedly does not wake up his sleeping wife for family time).

Quotes:

• PEGGY: Did she go to China for that tea?
• SALLY: You hate that Daddy supports my dreams. He doesn’t think I’m just a pain in the ass!
  BETTY: Your father is a hero! (double ouch, given how the episode ends)
• PETE: And he’s in love with you too.
  PEGGY: You’re the one who’s in love with him!
• TED: Imagine if every time Ginger Rogers jumped in the air, Fred Astaire punched her in the face.
• DOROTHY: I suppose there’s a way I could mistake your tone for concern.
• PEGGY: Oh! Why didn’t you say so? You can bring her!
• TED: Don’t be an asshole, Don.

Top Looks of the evening:

6. Manolo’s Swishy Suit n Stash

Manolo was a welcome addition to an otherwise incredibly depressing episode this week. Anya really enjoyed this nurse/boyfriend from his first appearance in an all white ensemble paired with a perfectly brushed stache. Manolo upped his game for a night out with poor old Mrs. Campbell, with a silk cravat and lovely pocket square. If we weren’t sure how Bob Benson ran into him before, we are now! Watching Pete gratefully tip Manolo off the books, while Peggy learns of his mother’s...infatuation...was perfection. Watching Mrs. Campbell confront her son was much less entertaining. Another ouch moment in an already painful episode, especially when she forgot her purse. Couldn’t resist capturing Mrs. Campbell’s bedazzled old lady take on Wendy’s fly away to Neverland nightgown, which Anya thought was great (in a terrible way) from hat to toe.

5. Julie’s Great Friend Greens

Who didn’t have a junior high friend like Julie growing up? While Serious Sally is quizzing herself in the cab on the way to Model UN, Julie wistfully stares out the window thinking about Mitch’s hair. Not that Sally doesn’t care about boys, she just has room in her brain for all kinds of knowledge, unlike Jules, who doesn’t know a thing about Eleanor Roosevelt. Julie thinks that she’s being a good friend when she signs Sally’s name on their sleepover list of things the like about Mitch and slides it under their door (or maybe she’s just being a bitch, but we’re not sure that she’s crafty enough for that). Regardless of her intentions and helpfulness, Julie certainly turns it out in her accessorized-to-a-T Model UN outfit. She may only be going for, as Betty put it, “another excuse to make out,” (Sexpert Julie has been to second base twice!) but her fun and girlish floral-printed dress is undeniably adorable. Poor yourself a glass, Julie. We're sure you earned it after a grueling day of pretending that you gave a shit about international politics.

4. Peggy’s Cat-Lady-in-Training Outfit

Girl. This is a surprisingly great outfit, despite its title, but Peggy had a rough week this week. We knew that fucking rat in her apartment couldn’t be a good omen, and when she came back to a trail of blood, Anya shouted “tell me when it’s over!” and hid her face. This reaction felt justified when Peggy, another strong feminist, called Stan in the middle of the night to kill the dying rat under the couch. We all have our weak spots. It was a little heartbreaking to watch Pegs put on her sexy voice, only to learn that Stan has another girl in his bed, one he shockingly won’t bring over for a rat killing expedition. When Peggy’s attempt to find a man to save the day falls through, she does what many women have done before and since...she gets a cat. At least Peggy’s problem can be solved by the cat’s prey drive, and not by its companionship skills. We like that she clearly wore this outfit to work, and isn’t just sitting on the couch with the cat in a housedress. The jacket is snappy, the pattern is sharp, and we love the buttons and the fit. Peggy has found her style, and we like it!

3. Sally’s Affair to Remember Attire

Poor. Sally. No one had a great time on Mad Men this week, but Sally probably got the worst of it. From our glimpse of her dealing with newly svelte Betty to her traumatic experience breaking into the Rosen’s apartment, Sally is set up to be a truly damaged child (as if she wasn’t already by the Draper parenting style). She looks like such a schoolgirl, and the dress really emphasizes how young she is. The thick, bright red stripe down the center is striking, especially because Julie’s outfit has a similar pattern...but her stripe is white. From the dialogue, it seems like Julie is (or wants to be) the more worldly and experienced teenager, but it’s clear that Sally has more experience with the adult world than she ever wanted, despite never having been to second base.

We’ve seen Sally glammed up, with her miniskirt and go go boots, getting her first period, trying out more adult hairstyles, but this outfit takes us back to baby Sally who so desperately wants her parents’ approval. Down to the knee socks and plaid, this outfit is perfect for revealing to us that even though Sally oftens speaks precociously, she is not at all ready for what she sees when she looks through that doorway in the Rosens’ apartment. Sidenote: HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR? They’re almost lucky it was Sally that walked in, since they clearly don’t care about damaging their children’s psyches.

2. Pete’s Peacock Plumage

Pete looked unusually nice in his gray three piece suit. The tie and pocket square are a nice color on him (bringing out his one remaining attractive feature, his eyes), and for some reason it kind of gave us bird vibes. Dove gray? Peacock blue? Besides, we can’t say no to some alliteration. When Bob popped cheerfully into the office thinking he and Pete were going to lunch, we knew things were going downhill fast for him. We picked up on the fact that Bob was being less than honest about how he knew this fabulous nurse, since he told Ken his dad died when he was explaining the delivery to Roger’s mother’s funeral. We did not expect Bob to basically come out to Pete in the middle of a Monday morning.

Pete seems like the LAST person you would want to confide in, not least because he’s an insensitive shmuck. It was almost touching, but again, mostly sad to watch Bob try to explain “true love” to Pete of all people. He took is about as well as could be expected, with a “tell him it’s disgusting!”, but he let the knee touch linger than we would have guessed. It’s clear that Pete is very lonely, and enjoys flattery in any form. We doubt Bob has actual feelings for Pete (Well, who the fuck knows with that squirrelly suck-up), but he’s a shrewd dude, and we were honestly surprised that Bob took a chance saying any of it. Maybe he just couldn’t resist the suit!

1. Peggy’s Personification of “Brains, Beauty, and Ambition”

Peggy nabs the top spot in our countdown this week, with a green and black look. We just can’t get enough of Peggy’s work clothes lately, girlfriend is nailing it. We loved the dark trim against the green, and the reappearance of what we’re calling “the funeral hat”. She wore the suit in two extremely different environments this week, and it served her well. Coming out of a meeting where she clearly just presented, Peggy looks like she belongs in the room with the big boys in her tailored jacket and skirt. She is formal and put together when she is forced into babysitting Pete’s mother and enduring an incredibly awkward conversation. We grimaced all over the place when we realized that Peggy didn’t really have a handle on just how bad Mrs. Campbell’s condition is, and when she brought up the child they had together... it was tough to watch.

That painful conversation fell by the wayside later in the episode, and we’re just hoping Peggy wasn’t drinking to excess because of it.  We see the suit sans jacket while she’s having dinner (but mostly drinking) with Pete and Ted. With the jacket off, it was a cute sleeveless number, and she looked very comfortable in her role as “beauty, brains and ambition”. It was nice to see her relax and let go, and have an honest conversation with Pete. The two of them actually bonded! While it was happening, we were just waiting for Pete to lose his shit when Peggy mentioned what his mother said, but it ended in the two of them genuinely giggling! Might be the nicest moment in the episode.

Overheard in the Office IV

We (along with the rest of the internet) have been having a bit of a rough week after Sunday’s “The Rains of Castamere” Game of Thrones episode, despite being as prepared as we could have been for it. Thankfully, our office cohorts are as delusional and/or amusing as ever. We hope that in celebrating their numerous... quirks, we can do our small part in bringing you all back from the brink of despair.

“But what about ice cream?! Or cheese!?”
    -Spacey Secretary (on the Paleo diet)

“It’s still bad to be Russian, after the Cold War.”

    -No Boundaries

“Give me yucky weather and I can get here on time!”

    -Faded Hippie

“My family is going there for dinner tonight, you’re more than welcome to come if you want. Haha! But really...”

    -That Guy

"I have done very little professionally since getting this job and having my daughter, I'd like to get back into it."

    -Frazzled Feminist (whose daughter is 2)

“Wouldn't it be funny if you, me, and Anya all left at the same time? This place would just fall apart!”

    -Spent Supervisor

“Are you married? Do you have health insurance?”

    -Troubled Temp

"Can I get a snack?"

    -Child

"I don't know, do you have money?"

    -Mom

"Mommmmmm!"

    -Child

Channeling mother of the year, Betty Francis.

“Sorry that I’m running late today, the rehab center by my house burned down.”

    -Overzealous Hire

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

    -Married Guy (on unreasonable visitors)

“So was that a special someone or just a friend?”

    -No Boundaries

“...Just a friend.”

    -Paul

“Oh, that’s too bad! You know me, I’m always rooting for love.”

    -No Boundaries

Pinspirations (Pinspired? No Matter What, It Sounds Like Sweating)

Having recently fallen prey to the amazing time suck that is Pinterest, Anya has been spending quite a bit of time looking at pictures of hairstyles she will never be able to recreate, DIY projects she’ll never get around to, and interior decorating schemes that are SO TOTALLY DOABLE if you have a million hours to devote to it, a good eye and, you know, a real job to fund all of it. Worst of all, the inevitable “Wedding Plans” board has been taking shape in her head, and during a particularly stressful Brideday Friday on TLC, took shape on the internet. Shame. On. Her.

One day there will be a diagnosis for the nervous disorder associated with watching everyone in the whole world plan their weddings before they even have a life companion that’s not a cat. HOW CAN I NOT FEEL BEHIND WHEN CAT PEOPLE ARE PLANNING THEIR WEDDINGS?!

One thing that always helps pull her back from the brink of insanity (at least temporarily) is a page of pins full of those stupid, insipid inspirational quotes that are supposed to be encouraging for some reason? Whether you’re painting them onto your walls, stenciling them into your garden’s walkway, or embossing them on every glass surface you can find since you totally learned to do it and it’s actually super easy all you need is Modge Podge, this shit is everywhere.

True to form, we had to snark all over it.

One man’s inspiration sets off another man’s bullshit alarm? Sorry not sorry if any of these actually make you feel better. Unless you’re in high school and it just really speaks to you. High schoolers get a free pass on their inner feelings, you’re welcome!

Unless it’s because they murdered your family. Or dog. Or they’re a total fuck. And really, if you just TRY to stop thinking about them for a month or two, you will.

What is this fucking color scheme? Nude and dusty navy? Sexxxxxi. Also, a fact that needs more promotion: nothing is less sexy than someone who wants you WAY MORE than you want them, it’s a fine, fine line.

Everything happens for a reason is the shittiest thing to ever say to someone who is having a hard time. Or to say to anyone, ever. THAT IS JUST NOT TRUE.

Because it worked out so great for Sid and Nancy.

 

Unless he has satellite images of Earth from space...and we do!

This poor fucking polar bear is still going to die thanks to climate change whether she makes the best of it or not, JOHN.

Do not like this mixed metaphor of standing bravely through a storm and also sailing like an Independent Woman. We all know sailing in storm looks more like this (minus the savior mermaid):

And also the phrase “any port in a storm” rings a lot more true. We should make an inspirational picture of that.

Insensitive at best.

Grown older? Fine. Grown up? Clearly not.

Pretty fucking sure he is not the originator of quote. Poor Winston.

Not sure what exactly this is going for, but the image directly under it in our Google search disagrees:

Which poorly edited image is correct?? What should we be aiming for in life??