Thursday, March 7, 2013

Cast of Co-Workers Part 1: The Great

If you asked a couple what cements their bond most strongly, you’d probably be hoping to hear something like “honest and effective communication” or “the little things we do for each other” or “true love”. Save it, kids! Realistically, in a decade or so, they’re probably saying “our kids” or “our shared debt” or “divorce is fucking expensive”. Luckily, we’re not a couple, so we don’t have those problems. In fact, we should really offer marriage counseling based solely on the fact that we’re so good at staying happily faithful in our sexless soulmate-ship. Some of you are probably getting really defensive about just how *sexy* and *exciting* your marriage still is after all these years. Fan-fucking-tastic for you, but our platonic bonds are too unshakeable to buy into the superiority of fucking your emotional confidante. I would say we’re firmly in the camp of “When/if you ever get married, I’ll probably have to be your live-in personal assistant/butler/pool boy/bartender because how would we ever go without one another?”. It’s a camp of two. It’s called Camp Codependency.

It almost looks exactly like this.

Basically, if you asked us “Hey friends, what cements your mind meld bond the most? What keeps you two united so strongly?” It would have to be our complete lack of faith in humanity. And our hatred of Meredith Blake, obviously. Before you start thinking that’s really sad, read on! Maybe you’ll understand when you’re introduced to the people we’re surrounded by on a daily basis. Some great, some terrible, all so ridiculous you’ll think we’re embellishing when we’re not.

We think it’s about time we shared the denizens of our office with you, and perhaps of our wider world. We’ll start with Part 1: The Great, to take the edge off that sad intro and show you that sometimes we actually do enjoy other people. The following descriptions are the closest thing to positivity you’ll probably ever get on this blog, so soak it all in and have some context with your morning coffee:

The best and brightest shining star of all is our Soul Sister. She worked on and off with us for a few glorious months (the Golden Age, if you will), before moving on to more exciting pastures. A passionate lover of history and handwriting, she’s the best roommate Anya could have asked for, and the best trainer Paul could have ended up with. Sharing our passion for Netflix, Mary Poppins, and Downton Abbey, Soul Sister is a witty companion and crafter of truly impressive correspondence. We have spent many an eight hour work day researching topics like the fate of the Romanov family, serial killer H. H. Holmes, and lucid dreaming, while waxing nostalgic for the days of the Victorians. Doesn’t hurt that this is her doppelganger:

She even has the pen!

Sadly, our next great co-worker is also a Ghost of Office Past. Another crucial part of the Golden Age, Married Guy was a force for good in all our lives. For one thing, he showed Anya the secret location of the Diet Cherry Coke. For another, he’s hilarious, a great sidekick for detective work, and devoted companion on quests of various sorts, and a fantastic tour guide. If he were the First Man (Lord? Husband of the first female president), his project would be bringing back Edwardian manners. A gem.

Spacey Secretary is literally the nicest woman either of us have ever met in our lives. She does her job, and she does it well, every day. She comes to work regularly. She never bothers either of us, she is a delightful, if very vanilla, conversationalist. She is a fountain of consideration and politeness. So basically, she’s very unusual. Identifying features include her love of Cat Fancy magazine and the fact that her head is in the clouds 100 percent of the time. Probably the only way she has made it in this office for so many years and is still not only doing her job, but is universally beloved.

This one's for you, girlfriend.

Frazzled Feminist is always on the verge of getting it together, but also of having a nervous breakdown.  She’s one of our most decent co-workers, but she is not without her faults.  Because we did not know her pre-baby, we can only trust her own account of her past stability, but lady has been having a rough time since the birth of her daughter, and the fact that everyone around her treats her like a little girl isn’t helping (including her mother-in-law, carpenters, older co-workers, and strangers trying to procure her services via letters).  We’re completely behind Frazzled Feminist’s impassioned speeches about the injustices she suffers from these people, but her inability to come to work (on-time and period) and occasional bouts of vertigo do a bit of damage to her powerful self-image.
Her vertigo is much more graceful than this, thank god.

So there you have it! We hope you'll be grateful for this handy little guide in the weeks to come, especially with "Overheard in the Office", a weekly feature we trust you'll find amusing as long as you're not the Big Boss of our organization. And if you are, sorry to break it to you this way? 


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