Friday, March 22, 2013

Texts from Last Year Pt. 2 (In Which Anya Hangs Out With Her Mom)

Today we bring you the next installment of texts salvaged from Paul’s phone archive. If you missed the first, catch up here. If you didn’t, immerse yourself in three more months worth of weirdness that Paul saw fit to memorialize. We laughed, we cried, we heard Taylor Swift on the radio so much we actually learned her songs, it was a strange time. Around here, it can only get stranger. So:

Be our guest!

(This is you devouring the texts excitedly)

Sunday May 13, 2012             10:03 am
The Libertarian:”Haha no…also talking to my mom about the wedding this morning, she says, “I always kind of wished you and your brother would marry orphans so I could do all of the wedding planning.”

Sunday May 13, 2012             12:14 pm
Nothing like picking up a birth control prescription on mothers day

Tuesday May 15, 2012           8:37 am
Haha I forgot to tell you, my mom was advocating for sterilizing retarded people at mothers day margarita dinner

Tuesday May 15, 2012           8:40 am
Right? And that she called me hitler for waiting for old people to die so the gays can have rights

Wednesday May 16, 2012      1:32 pm
I’m sorely disappointed neither of us have a garage right now. I can’t decide if that’s going to be a necessity when we’re looking for a place to live, or something to stay away from

Wednesday May 16, 2012      2:00 pm
Yeah, [Kathy Griffin] better. Maybe she will hire us as assistants because we’re cute and funny. Hers aren’t looking as good for tv anymore

Wednesday May 16, 2012      2:24 pm
I better be extra funny this week. Maybe I should hang out with my mom. sacrifices for our future…

Wednesday May 16, 2012      2:49 pm
Haha seriously. I’m only a lovelorn suicide on my behalf away from a memoir.

Friday May 18, 2012              12:46 pm
Ah just remembered that last night she compared breaking up with him to euthanizing her dog if he had cancer. Ouch.

Friday May 18, 2012              12:50 pm
It’s like maybe chemo would work but it’s so expensive and if it doesn’t…I would really regret putting him through that

Tuesday May 22, 2012           2:12 pm
I don’t since I hate kids. I can just donate my eggs to some nice gays that I’ll never have to see again. Technology obviates the need for traditional breeding

Friday May 25, 2012              3:52 pm
“I find people in general and myself in particular to be judgemental when I don’t have information. I support you and love you but it doesn’t mean I ll always love your choices.” What a judgy mom thing to say.

Monday May 28, 2012           10:09 am
How weird is it that I want send you a mostly naked picture right now just to keep forever how skinny I am at this moment?

Tuesday May 29, 2012           6:19 pm
New low when I’m connecting with swifty’s lyrics

Wednesday May 30, 2012      8:34 am
Seriously. He said “I hope you feel comfortable talking about these things” and I said “not with mom really” and he kind of nodded knowingly lol

Friday June 1, 2012                1:17pm
Blah stupid gaeb. Autocorrect wants me to call him “garb” lol

Wednesday, August 29     6:58pm
I might take my pants off. He’s is a prude so he won’t. Stupid.

Wednesday, September     12 5:07pm
Trading spouses dad: “I think the kids are clingy, but I blame Christina cuz I think she breast fed too long”

Wednesday, September     12 5:12pm
Oh god this poor sheltered girl from the other family isn’t allowed to have Oreos! She’s like 16!

Thursday, September 13     7:19pm
My night: discussing my great grandma’s will over dinner, ferrets galore, knitting, making a pretzel pouch with my tank top. Who needs social interaction??

Sunday, September 16     3:00pm
Buying some fantastic colored jeans to make up for it.

Monday, September 17 9:08pm
News flash: sugar bear and mama aren’t married and she refuses to marry him. Also, chickadee probs not his kid. Or pumpkin. Or chubby

 What a catch!

Tuesday, September 18 10:19am
Mover guy’s crush just benefitted me substantially lol



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