Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Texts from Last Year (In Which Anya is a Hot Mess)

As you can imagine, we exchange a fair number of texts on the regular. Even when we’re working together for eight hours a day, by the time we get home we’ve probably already seen something that elicits a “What the hell is going on in this world?” text. Anya gotten more than a few calls from Paul in the vein of “I’m driving behind a car with a Jesus-y license plate and the following bumper stickers, ‘Murder is not a form of birth control,’ ‘Mini Schnauzers Rule,’ and ‘Carpe Diem,’ WHAT!?” Paul has gotten many a text from Anya “I’m surrounded by insanity, help!” And sometimes we  just need to share a low point in our lives with someone who can appreciate the humor and sadness in equal parts. Who do you text while you’re crying over the season finale of Dance Moms if not your soulmate/sibling?

Luckily, Paul appreciated the value these painful and poignant snippets of the past, and has been archiving them for years. Yes, Anya feels so goddamn lucky that her embarrassing texts have been saved from their rightful place in a digital grave. Even dropping his phone into the bathtub couldn’t erase the 160-characters-or-less snapshots of her brain going all the way back to 2011. Call them vignettes.

For you, the reader, she is willing to sacrifice her vanity at the altar of voyeurism. Transcribed for you verbatim, please enjoy the first installment of texts from last year:

Thursday January 6, 2011    7:19 pm
thanks lol it was a team effort. Started off so innocently too then things took a weird turn

Friday March 4, 2011          8:59 pm
true life: im dating a jew we’re at his uncles and there is a disc labeled “bris photos” next to a thing of neosporin lol

Tuesday March 22, 2011     3:34 pm
wish I was kicking carbs instead of listening about skinny jews in the ghetto

Friday April 22, 2011          9:37 pm
“I could probably get off watching you shit on [her] head. I would probably masturbate to that.”-yes that happened, 4/22/11

Sunday April 24, 2011         8:51 pm
the national has a song called “swallow victoria”…adding that to the pimp mix part2

Friday May 20, 2011           6:47 pm
my mother just compared me to hitler…welcome to summer 2011! :pD

Friday June 3, 2011             7:47 pm
someday i’ll be able to afford to hire someone that will come to these events with me and respond enthusiastically to my negative commentary lol. like I need the encouragement

Thursday June 16, 2011       7:36 pm
a chinese buffet with unlimited crab Rangoon exists. for your own safety i wont tell you where

Wednesday June 29, 2011   1:06 pm
sometimes shopping with my mother makes me think that doing cocaine to lose weight is not only permissible, but probably a good idea

Thursday June 30, 2011       2:41 pm
i have a mad crush on the married guy who works here with me…homewrecking is in my blood! how am i supposed to avoid that?!

Sunday July 31, 2011          12:16 am
well i spit on her drunkenly but shes too stupid to notice lolz still fell accomplished

Sunday August 14, 2011     4:25 pm
am i allowed to feel morally superior to [Married Guy’s] wife bc when she found out he was missing part of his kidney she said “but what if i need a kidney someday?!” and when i found out about [my boyfriend’s] lack of 2 full kidneys i said “i’ll give you one if you ever need it!”?

Saturday August 20, 2011   3:52 pm
right?? he and I are in a fight about you and i’s dream team manipulation powers. he thinks im not being fair…does he even know me? of course im not fair!

Wednesday August 24, 2011 10:19 am
got this from my mom this morning…she is shameless! FWD: Silly dinner at [aunt and uncle’s] for b day party really like you to be there…do it for grma if no one else…I think she misses everyone being tog…seems like less of it since papa died…it makes me sad

Sunday September 11, 2011   9:46 pm
new career goal for you: ventriloquist hoarder.

Tuesday September 20, 2011  2:48 pm
i figured out the key to life. i need a job that takes up all my scheming ability so i have none left to fuck with people. my current jobs/life take up too little brainpower

Tuesday September 27, 2011  4:21 pm
this guy in my class just said “vast difference” and i thought he said “vas deferens” hah guess i have dick on the brain? wtf

Sunday October 2, 2011      10:12 pm
i coughed on her donuts and now she is getting sneezy. triumph?!

Sunday October 2, 2011      10:16 pm
even better bc theyre randomly going to florida for a weekend and i may be able to ruin it. fuck karma, this is way more satisfying!

Thursday October 6, 2011   7:28 pm
i wish that every time you say “nipples are in” i could show you a pic of the woman i just saw walking into the south side meijer…

Friday October 7, 2011        9:35 am
i have it on good authority that kim kardashian has the same butt dimple as we do. awesome?

Thursday October 27, 2011 8:38 pm
[Cheating Bastard] unblocked me…ew. feel so good about myself seeing that. also…under books he listed “harry potter” BOLD FACED FUCKING LIE

And there you have it, folks. The gems of 2011 that we were able to save from two phones ago.


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