The Economics of Friendship

Today we’re tackling a topic that has torn asunder many a relationship. Friends, family, that “girl” that has been catfishing your ass on the internet for the past two years...whoever. What is it? Ca$h money. Or checks. Or electronic transfers. Fine, just currency.

Man, get.it.together.

If you’re old and internet savvy enough to have found our little blog, you’ve probably had some run ins with various financial scams in your day. Maybe you’ve overheard your parents arguing about whether or not to make another loan to some deadbeat in-laws. Maybe you’re always the one buying pitchers and shots at the bar from your deadbeat friends. Maybe you are the deadbeat friend but the only reason you aren’t buying rounds is that you loaned your small fortune to a Nigerian prince in trouble. He’ll totally pay you back bro, just give it time.

All of those situations can be tough and awkward, but nothing is worse than trying to extract money from friends/siblings/roommates that owe you, but have conveniently forgotten about their debt. Or worse, feel that they don’t owe you any money because of some mystery x factor that allows them to go through life never paying for things that they really want, or worse, “need”. Many’s the time Anya and her sister have each been keeping a secret mental tab of who put gas in the tank when, and how far they drove. They are both one hundred percent sure they are getting cheated by the other person’s wanton disregard for fueling the vehicle as needed, and yet it only comes to a head once every six months or so in a fight that would put most reality television show reunions to shame.

Let’s face it, some people are “tighter than bark on a tree” as parents might say, and don’t like coughing up the cash for anything, even if it’s their third of the electric bill. When Anya and Paul lived with Swiss Miss, she was so averse to putting out the dollaz for anything, that by the end of the term, she owed Anya over $100 for everything from her share of the monthly internet bill to pet care supplies. Hints to people trying to get out of paying what you owe to your roommates:

1) Don’t fucking do it. Don’t be that person!

2) If you are going to insist on doing it, you can claim that they actually owe you for things like “half of the gas that time you kept me company on a two hour long car ride back home to pick up my prescription” or “those shots I bought on your birthday that were really just a loan.”
Oh here, let me vomit them back up on you!

Taking interest into account, you now owe me 2.36 shots.

3) Vanishing off the face of the earth and refusing to take their phone call and emails is an option. This is decidedly less effective if the person you’re avoiding is a blood relative or coworker. Usually.

4) A tip for siblings: take credit for buying things that mom and dad actually paid for when tallying up the credits on either side. They gave you money for a tank of gas? YOU bought it. They purchased some vegan meals for you to eat for lunch and your sister took one? Bitch owes you five dollars. This is particularly helpful if you are the favored sibling (or the more manipulative one).

5) Roommates: Always advocate for grocery shopping together and splitting the bill. There is no easier way to cut corners on paying your fair share than to make an equal purchase and take more than half of the goods. Squirrel snack foods into your little hidey holes and munch away while your roomie is at work (someone has to support your food addiction!). If they suggest buying food separately, call them wasteful and point out how quickly the milk will spoil.

Unfortunately for your wallet/stomach, we’ve got a handle on fuzzy fractions.

Be prepared for the money lender you’ve crossed to take revenge in invisible but seriously disgusting ways. If you think we’ve never strongly considered peeing on someone’s toothbrush, you know nothing Jon Snow. So here’s our list of hints for those who are owed money by one of the miscreants taking the tips above:

Don’t fuck with wildings, their moral code is twisted, sister.

1) For the high maintenance: Dump out their eyelash glue the day of an important event. We have reason to believe it will not clog the sink, and they’ll be forced to go au naturel, which is apparently a serious challenge for some people. This is not acceptable if said person has alopecia, unless they are a seriously huge bitch. Alternatives including hiding bronzer, watering down mascara, and melting lipstick.

2) For the germophobic: Sneeze on their donuts, infect their contact solution with your pink eye germs (or those of a friend who has a very conveniently timed but disgusting infection), don’t stop your boyfriend from farting on their pillows (we know a lot of disgusting people, evidently. Not that ANY of this has EVER happened to ANYONE we know). Towels in shared bathrooms are also fair game.

3) Find a way to get the money back on your own, whether that means robbing their secret cash stash or selling their belongings on Craigslist. If they didn’t want their family heirlooms stolen out from under them, they should have paid you back for that birthday gift and the card you both signed.

4) Turn off the air conditioning in the unit until further notice. You maybe have to break off the switch of smash the control pad. Tough shit! Nothing would make us cough up money faster than life in an apartment that feels like the butterfly house at the zoo. Literally put them in hell until they pay you back. The trick here is making it look like the a/c break is an accident, while still sending the message that the solution is to pay their debts. We suggest writing on the fog that will be permanently cast over all glass surfaces in the house.

5) Be the bigger person and use normal, adult techniques like speaking directly to them about your issues. We tend to go with this option, and haven’t regretted it...much.

Weird Shit You Googled to Get to Our Blog

Okay, guys. We’re glad that you found our special little corner of the internet. Like, it’s great. We’re glad that you’re here. But some of you Googled some pretty goddamn bizarre shit to get to us, from ‘LOL wut?’ to ‘WHAT THE FUCK!?’. Perhaps we shouldn’t judge too harshly, with our own lurid history with the Google search engine, and, to be fair, some of these searches are quotes from Minds Melding... but let’s get real, we’re judging the fuck outta you. We hope you enjoy a secret look into the life of our people and your peers.

“bad behavior of queen's corgis”

So. Naughty.

“fertility vase of the ndebele tribe”

“libertarians being called domestic terrorists”

“is stannis a hero” (The answer is no.)

“stannis submissive in bed”

Probably not.

“did joffrey baratheon feel guilt?” (The answer is also no.)

“still sleeping with his wife” (Who?? Mysteries abound.)

“daenerys targaryen boobs gif”

“daenerys boobs all”

“daenerys second sons naked”

“game of thrones dragon queen titts”

“daenerys targaryen tit”

“daenerys targaryen tits gif”

No tits here, guys!

“would stannis ever marry daenerys” (hmm...again no.)

“motherfuckings joffrey baratheon”

“joffrey needs his ass kicked”

“robb stark puppy” (awwwwww *sniffle*)

“joan mad men iron throne”

Can you imagine?

“some elderly negro woman”

“bob benson ‘are you a homo?’”

"ted's infatuation"

“did betty draper really gain weight?”

Do you mean January Jones? Ha, please!

"much older woman"

We close with the largest source of hits from Google searches to our blog:

“trust no one”

Craigslist Ads We Didn't Publish

So we’re looking to move very shortly here, and despite the fact that leaving our office may drain us of the bitter fuel that keeps us going, as well as the time that we have in a typical work day to write for this blog (also money), it’s time to move on. In the course of our quest for relocation, we’ve been bumming around Craigslist looking for places to rent and potential third roommates to join this sainted pair. Since we assume you’re familiar with the internet, you know what a fucking mess of a situation the “housing wanted” section of that site can be. Craigslist is great, but it also the worst.

While Anya is mostly bothered by the sheer volume of “single mother with 4 year old needs help” posts (not because she is worried about them, but because she doesn’t want to live in the same apartment complex in which they end up), Paul is mostly terrified by the sheer volume of “WARNING- JEANINE ROSS IS A MOLESTER- DO NOT TRUST” type posts. Deciding against responding to anyone that has posted thus far, we’ve decided to write up our own ad and sift through the thousands of responses we’re sure to get by publishing our age and gender.

As two of the most judgmental people on earth, we’re pretty sure we can at least eliminate the weirdos. Honestly, we’re like those forensic analysts who parse through the letters that serial killers write to the police in order to diagnose what kind of fucked up they probably are and create a profile based solely on their word choice and sentence structure. So now all that’s left is writing up on our ad to publish, and wait for the replies to come flowing in. Here are the drafts that didn’t quite make that cut:

- $500-900 Two roommates seeking third

You’re third in line for everything in this house.

Platonic life partners seeking a roommate solely to cut down on the cost of living in this infernal swamp of a city. We expect to have overnight guests, wine and game nights, occasionally loud sex, and fun. Please do not expect to be included in any of these activities.

Us: twenty-somethings, incredibly attractive, look uncannily like siblings but are not. Hate people, sweating, cockroach infestations, and being robbed. Love puppies, air conditioning, cleanliness, and a roommate that will put their goddamn dishes in the goddamn dishwasher.

You: Will mind your own business, contribute to a third of living expenses, and confine your belongings (minus furniture that we can dominate) to your room. We’re only allowing you to bask in our glory because we want the extra space of a 3 bedroom apartment for the ferrets that will be moving in. You will respect their space and acquiesce to all of their strange and various whims. Not negotiable. No smoking, no loud noises, no guests, and no back talk. Must love dogs.

- Join us in (near) the tub? (not for sex)

Paul wishes he could pull off scruffy that well and Anya wishes her sock buns looked that effortless.

We’re a pair of young (under 35) and engaging (late-night cross stitching, binge baking, YouTube karaoke) professionals (hopefully soon-to-be) seeking a third to join (fund) our New City explorations. We’re looking for a three-bedroom, multi-level townhouse to hold us and our pets, hobbies (kombucha tea brewing, fad exercise equipment, Harry Potter reenactment), and boxes of hoarded ephemera.

We do not currently having a large or steady income, but hopefully we can work out some kind of arrangement (no sex) where we help out around the house to cover our rent. We take a lot of baths together and while we don’t actually want you to join us in the tub, we might let you refill our Death by Chocolate ice cream bowls (fridge should ALWAYS be stocked with Death by Chocolate ice cream). We may occasionally ask you to hold bags, camera, bags, or court for us. Reading our minds (from distances up to the grocery and video stores) is a must. Knowing a lot of hiring managers is a plus.

Please send fully-clothed picture with response. We look forward to embarking on this fun-filled New City adventure (involving absolutely no sex) with you.

- Make our dreams come true!

We’re a dynamic and spunky pair of young soon-to-be professionals. Do not currently have career prospects in New City, but need to move out of Hometown before we kill ourselves Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina style. Luckily, we have amassed a dragon’s hoard of gold between the two of us, and, despite our parents’ advice, are ready to sign a lease and spend it in search of a better life. Yay!

This is more or less exactly what we look like, minus the poodle.

Please be a young professional that either has a job or also has a shit load in your savings account. No nudists (sorry!), no old people in mid-life crisis mode, no children, no drug or alcohol problems, and most importantly, no bros or Republicans of any kind.

Preferably you are someone we would consider inviting to wine and Settlers of Catan night even if you didn’t live with us. If you are against wine or games, forget it. If you do not recognize the picture in this ad, also forget it.

-Two bloggers with no source of income seeking sexless financial arrangement

Are you in the market for a dog walker/house sitter/court jester? Do you dream of a matched pair of dark-haired light-eyed sex kittens to live in your house for free, utilities included? Then we are just what you’re looking for!

Our ideal household.

Anya and Paul are two snarky young people with limited financial means and a blog that gets an average of fifty hits a day, and we have the Google Analytics to prove it. We are willing to live at your house, rent free, and provide all pet care (no birds or snakes) that is needed. We can also water plants, do light vacuuming on an irregular basis, and make sure that all the hair goes down the drain while we shower. As of now, we shower separately.

Paul will make sure the bathtub stays clean by regularly taking four to six hour baths. Anya will make sure your mind stays sharp by sassing you and challenging every rule you can come up with. We will probably have sex, but not with you or with each other, and you can’t watch. We will provide entertainment as needed, in the form of lively debates on topics such as Game of Thrones theories and the virtues of cat ownership/guardianship. You may request a debate on any topic.

Prefer furnished, a/c is a must, high speed internet because duh, it’s 2013.

Overheard in the Office V

We once again visit our always-increasing pool of typically absurd office quotes. Summer at the office has less members of the general public present, which is good, and also has a lot of our co-workers taking advantage of their salaried positions with unsanctioned constitutionals (that we know are not being taken out of their annual leaves), which is not great. All we can we do is laugh at their towering levels of delusional and count our (hopefully) numbered days.

“Sometimes I'm saying something really pedantic and then I realize I'm totally wrong!"
   -Faded Hippie

On a trip to Vegas:

“Well, I wasn’t propositioned once, but I guess I just wasn’t their type.”
   -That Guy
“Were you expecting that?!”
   -Other Co-worker

“I was the only one who had been there, so I was like the unofficial leader of the group...which I wasn’t too pleased with.”
   -That Guy

“Yeah, this weather is really flooding my backyard! My ornamental fish pond is filled to the brim!”
   -Faded Hippie

We snark, but it probably looks like this.

“Well she was taking care of her dying parents and I was taking care of my dying parents, so we didn’t see each other much.”
   -No Boundaries

Shoulda made like the Buckets and just shoved them all together.

“In my day, we called those fornicators’ pants!”
   -Grizzled and Confused

“You may speak with my supervisor, but that’s against our policy and she will tell you the exact same thing.”
   -Paul
“Spent Supervisor, [unreasonable request]”
    -Customer
“Eh... We can do that.”
   -Spent Supervisor

“I always say, if my sisters die before me, the family tree ends with me! It’s just so sad I never found anyone good enough for me.”
   -No Boundaries

“It sucks being deaf!”
   -Troubled Temp (Note: she is not deaf)

Oh bitch, you don’t know the half of it.

And let’s end this edition of Overheard in the Office with this the one gem in all of this crazy that we can actually get behind:

“Tomorrow night, I’m going to have a drink and a smoke and cause some mischief!”
   -Edge of Retirement

We hear you, girlfriend.

Why Do I Read Shitty YA Novels?

I just finished reading The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, which I have been chipping away at on and off for the last month. For anyone who hasn’t heard of this series or is unable to make inferences from titles, it is a young adult fantasy novel that is quite simply not that great. I am probably going to see the movie, whenever it comes out this summer, despite knowing that the movie will inevitably fail to rise above its subpar source material. Last winter I played the exact same game with Beautiful Creatures (telling myself it was all for Emma Thompson), dragging Anya and my friend Starbuck down the rabbit hole with me (We kind of sort of mostly kept from laughing out loud during the movie until Anya had a feminism induced angry noises fest toward the end).

I am, of course, not the only adult who partakes in this evidently expansive market and I cannot be the only adult who is completely aware of the literary mediocrity of this specific genre. While I cannot speak for the general public (I also am extremely lazy and am not getting paid enough/anything to do any actual research in this area), I can attempt to break down my own bizarre behavior and pose some questions and possible theories on this strange, sad phenomena.

Snarky Redheaded Ordinary High School Student meets Snarky Bad Boy Jerk with a Heart of Gold.

“Now Paul,” you may be saying, “it’s not really fair of you to judge these books meant for adolescents by your sophisticated and mature set of literary standards.” But it is though. I may be beyond the target age of readers for this book, but that does not excuse the low quality of work on display here. Before I rip it apart, I will mention the few things I did enjoy in the book. I liked its use of the word “asshat,” and I am always a sucker for unrequited love (although I quickly got over that by the time the book introduced its third unrequited love triangle).

The plot is essentially a thinly-veiled reworking of Harry Potter with a couple of Star Wars-y twists thrown in at the end. Is that, in itself, a crime? Of course not. Harry Potter and Star Wars owe much of their stories to various fantasy and science fiction stories that came before them and the archetypal characters and plot points that have been used by storytellers through the ages. However, both Harry Potter and Star Wars were able to take genre tropes and tweak them into something new and special, with heavy doses of depth and style.

City of Bones relies far too heavily on readers’ knowledge of these genre tropes in lieu of a little something called character development. The book is full of flat, formulaic, and one dimensional characters who spend their time going through the motions of their roles. Does every character have to be a compelling and dynamic creation? Again, no, but, at the very least, the protagonists should be (or interesting in their pointed lack of charisma when surrounded by those with it). Instead we’re stuck with the Special Snowflake Audience Surrogate, Nerdy Love Interest Foil Best Friend, and Pretty Lethal Chef Action Girl. None of the heavy-handed characters ever feel like fully fleshed “real” people and it’s thus impossible for me, as an intelligent audience member, to give a shit.

You know what other book series can be classified under “Young Adult Fantasy?” His Dark Materials. And that shit is not only original, but heart wrenching and full of creative plot twists, mature themes, character development, and way more than fifty shades of gray. And Anya and I first read it when we were ten. There is no reason that this genre should be so chock full of lame, unoriginal supernatural romance with a side of “Surprise! They’re siblings/cousins/long lost brethren/mythical beasts living in the modern world!” You know what fucking shocked me as a twelve year old? Sirius Black being a good guy. And friends with the Potters!

And if J.K. Rowling does resort to some pretty old school literary tricks, at least it’s so well written that we don’t mind. Forgive me if I can’t get behind “his hair gleamed in the sunlight like the fire of a thousand suns, the strong yet delicate lines of his now vulnerable face showing her how gentle he could be” being really sneaky foreshadowing for a romance. COME. ON.

First of all, Swifty, cats, along with many other things, disprove this dumb statement. Secondly, gag.

Also, am I the only one that can’t look away from her hideous nails?

So I have now laid the issues with the series/genre on the table, but that does not explain why I read this specific book or why I will continue to dabble in this YA realm. I can critique and downplay my involvement with the book all day long, but I still read it. I spend the majority of my time questioning my motivations for doing everything, so I can only posit some possible theories regarding my actions here.

It basically boils down to two possible explanations. The first is that this is one way for me to cling to my fleeting youth and stay up-to-date on “what the kids are doing these days.” I am getting worse and worse at answering my mom’s questions of “Who sings this?” when listening to our area’s Top 40 radio station. I know nothing about sports, and my knowledge of television and movies has always been... specific. Reading these books makes me feel like I am able to peek into a small window of youth culture. I can see current ideals of art, beauty, gender, and morals, while also getting snippets of popular (or niche) hobbies. I can also blame it on the anthropologist within’s attempt to understand the various groups I encounter in the world. Right?

“You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.”

My other hypothesis is that these types of books provide a specific kind of outlet that actually relies on all of the negatives discussed above. It serves as a nice break from some of the meatier material I also read.
SCENE: Paul’s bathtub, night. One of my favorite character in A Song of Ice and Fire just bit it or I’m having an emotional reaction to the highs and lows of the human condition in Howards End? Let’s switch over to City of Bones for a bit.
It can be comforting in the sense that it is entirely expected and familiar, and there is a certain safeness in the absence of mystery. I know exactly what is going to happen to these characters and because I am completely unconcerned with the characters’ fates, I cannot be hurt by anything the book “throws” at me.

Those are my best guesses, although I remain unsure as to which theory is the sadder explanation. I do not see my behavior changing anytime in the near future, but I can at least find a small amount of solace in my acceptance of it and efforts at reaching a greater understanding of myself and the world around me. And we’re not even touching Twilight. Yet.

-Paul

Texts From This Year Part 1: Anya Is Never Getting Married

Once again, welcome to this creepy portal straight into Anya’s brain, now in 2013! Besties that we are, she often fires off missives to Paul that get at the especially ridiculous, weird, and inane shit that pops into her heard (Anya’s spelling. I’m unsure if it’s a typo or a new word to describe the ever-confusing combination of one’s head and heart, that extra “r” was an accident, but now it’s staying), and we’ve collected the highlights here for you. Catch up on past editions of this particular series here, and enjoy a journey through the last few years of pop culture, family drama, and outrage that are the running themes of our correspondence.

This edition runs the gamut from TLC’s descent into madness, to our co-workers descent into madness, to our descent into madness. So really a wide range! Enjoy, until the next installment:

Wednesday, January 2  7:13pm
Hahaha I’ll do a dramatic rendition of any quotes you bring back next time we’re at the bar. Soul Sister lost her shit about the 9/11 one. “Well my eighth grade class was supposed to go to New York for our trip but somebody had to go and ruin it for us!” “You mean terrorists?”

Sunday, January 6  12:03pm
Love of my life, light of my world, why hast thou deserted me?

Wednesday January 9  6:22pm
Thinking about getting out of sweatpants is soooo hard

Tuesday, January 15  10:25pm
Oh god extreme cougar wives is the greatest

The handfasting ceremony is what really did me in.

Tuesday, January 15  10:36pm
I would go so far as to say this is where TLC crossed the line

Thursday, January 17  6:21pm
I need to make a body cast of me now to remember how hot I was

Friday, January 18  5:41pm
I mean, Tel Aviv, right? That way if one of us is disappointed we’ll easily be able to find a #yolo Jew to fuck

Sunday, January 20  11:57am
Ugh my mom is already arguing with me about inviting the cousins to my wedding and then said “well let’s not even talk about it, it’s not like you even have one in the offing”

Thursday, January 24  10:16pm
When are we watching prosecuting Casey Anthony on lifetime?

Saturday, January 26  1:03pm
Yeah I figured that would be best. I hope Paul and Paul are actually there to amuse us with their complete lack of pretension (Oddly, these neither of these are *our* Paul, they’re the gentleman owners of a local wine bar that makes a big fuss about how COMPLETELY UNPRETENTIOUS it is. NO WINE SNOBS HERE, FOLKS)

Sunday, January 27  9:46pm
Most harrowing snow/sleet infested drive ever. Ever. I was about to call you with my last will and testament.

Sunday, January 27  9:54pm
Guess I should write that letter now that I’ve had a near death experience

Sunday, January 27  10:15pm
Single ladies dance?! You go you 65 year old minx

Sunday, January 27  10:16pm
Talk about vertigo

Wednesday, February 13  6:13pm
Teary about the friend zone. Just kill me.

Thursday, February 21 10  10:53am
Highlights: 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Big Boss uses the Internet in front of us and uses the word “sexy”. Frazzled Feminist tries to give a presentation. Faded Hippie expresses her extreme skepticism about all of it with facial expressions. That Guy claims Project A as his great achievement of the year, I claim implementing it as mine, unintentionally shame him while provoking laughter from everyone else.

Extreme skepticism.

Thursday, February 21  11:21am
Aaand Frazzled Feminist just dropped a 50 shades of grey reference. And Edge of Retirement is wearing her fighting cock brooch.

Thursday, February 21  10:14pm
“whose dog is that where the lips are falling off?”

Sunday, February 24  7:19pm
Anne Hathaway what in the fuck. Are those nipples or seams?

Honestly, Annie, get it together.

Monday, February 25  5:47pm
Haha if you give a mouse the benefit of the doubt

Monday, February 25  5:50pm
Eating my leftovers all alone now because my family is slugs

Anya Extends An Offer She May Bitterly Regret

It all started at an H&M, as these things are wont to do. Paul is shopping with Swiss Miss. Anya is at home mulling over which gold spray paint to use on her antique chandelier. Things are strange. Suddenly, the phone vibrates! A message from Paul.

“A customah!”

PAUL: There was this cat shirt I almost bought you, but then I remembered that you don’t like cats or H&M.

ANYA: Haha under the right circumstances I would accept both. Probably have to let go of that hatred since I rock their dresses so hard?

PAUL: It’s for the good of the planet!

ANYA: Basically. Also, I will regret this but I accept any and all animal clothes from now on.

PAUL: Ohohoh. (This is the first sign that he’s going to fuck with me).

ANYA: I could up the ante by committing to wearing them to work.

PAUL: Stop.

ANYA: I could send out an office email with my offer.

PAUL: Does this include mythical animals and/or fantasy hybrids?

ANYA: Absolutely.

PAUL: Creepy Lawyer will buy you a towel dress that says ‘PUSSY’ on it.

ANYA: I’ll write up a set of rules.

So here we are. Anya, a connoisseur of all things both wearable and animal themed (except actual fur OBVIOUSLY), is going to foolishly commit (what other kind of commitment is there, really?) to wearing any and all animal themed clothing and accessories that she receives. To work. The guidelines are as follows:

     - It can be any kind of animal, real or imagined, as long as its genitals aren’t featured.

    - Also, not dead.

     - It can be any kind of clothing, but she will not be wearing underwear outside her pants or other such nonsense.

     - It can be secondhand (except earrings or undergarments, she doesn’t care how well you washed it.)

     - She reserves the right to tailor these items, but will wear them visibly (not wearing pajama pants to work as actual pants, because she does need to stay employed, but will make them into a shirt/skirt/headband).