If
you haven’t figured it out by now, we have quite a bit of time on our
hands. Between fulfilling our job duties and managing our social
obligations, we still end up with about four days worth of time with
nothing to do but express our creative genius and talk shit to each
other. If you weren’t jealous of our glamorous lives before, you
definitely are now, sorry about that. Despite the outlet this blog has
created for us, we’re full of schemes galore. Cooking up revenge
fantasies for exes, ruining weddings, scamming our way into the
professional world a la Bob Benson (minus the sexual slavery), etc.
We need to get out before we get this professional.
Nefarious
schemes, one and all, none of which we can actually put into action
without more or less destroying our integrity, and more importantly the
moral high ground we seem to possess in every situation we encounter.
We’re completely unbiased in that particular judgment call, of course,
it just always happens that way! Crazy.
Many’s
the time Anya has said “if only my job were more demanding, I wouldn’t
have so much spare brainpower to spend on scheming and manipulation.
It’s appalling how many fantastically evil things I have plotted and
never put into action”. Alternatively, she could become a force for good
but...ha. That’s boring. No, we’re not motivated by solving societal
problems where the world’s greatest minds have failed. We’re more into
coming up with some truly useless plots designed to make the world in
our immediate vicinity more comfortable.
“Wouldn’t
it be great if they had a thing where you just never had to leave the
bathtub?” That kind of thing. “You know what we need? Something to just
make us fall asleep at night without thinking and wake up feeling like a
human at a reasonable hour. Like a nightmare zapper.” While those
things will probably never come to fruition (guess we’re stuck with
ineffective dream catchers and those trays you drape over your clawfoot
tub to hold your erotica and/or snacks), we do have some slightly more
thoroughly baked schemes in the making.
I’ll never leave!
If
you make any of these ideas happen and somehow make a bunch of money
off of them...throw us a few bones or we’ll sue your ass(es). Unless
it’s the child free ones, in which case please send us an engraved
invitation and a free pass for life and we’ll let it go.
Our
first idea was born of our opportunistic tendencies mixed with the
impeccable timing of The Libertarian’s job interview. He was trying to
decide on a place in his house to have this Skype sesh, one that looked
professional and didn’t expose his bunkbed/tractor lamp/
kitchen/landscape
wallpaper to the world. Which we just did, yay! Smelling a chance to
make a few bucks off of the millions of unemployed people, we decided to
manufacture a line of boring Skype backgrounds that send the right
message to interviewers. Messages like “Look at all of these books
behind me, I am an Educated Person!” or “I wasn’t lying about living in
the area, look at this notable landmark out my apartment window!” or
“Let’s both pretend I don’t need this job, at least for the duration of
the interview!” We’re open to branding ideas. (Any thoughts on names for
this product?)
Or you can use them to get out of doing the job you already have.
You’ve already read about our fake engagement videos on YouTube
plot, which may not be a money maker, but then again who knows? Maybe
Wonderful Pistachios will give us a commercial...”Anya and Paul do it
insincerely!”. Faking a relationship is a slippery slope (especially in
these dark days where even your grandmother can use Facebook), but in
our situation it’s hard to resist the temptation. The demographics of
our office are such that while a handful of co-workers have fully
grasped our asexual, opposite sex but completely platonic relationship
for what it is, and understand why there is no chance it will go
further, most of the others are...well...over fifty and Republicans that
really like Paul and can’t imagine that he’s not chasin’ skirts. You can see why we want to fuck with these people, can’t you?
We’ve
dreamt up the worst office relationship you can imagine: fights at the
office, having flowers delivered from other people giving rise to fits
of public sulking, jealous rage inspired by talks with co-workers,
confiding in all the wrong people about our issues, mixed in with an
unhealthy dose of togetherness. Most tempting of all are those emails
that our co-workers far too often send to their entire address book,
possibly because they don’t know exactly how to use our email system,
more likely because they’re widening the passive aggressive net for “To
whoever left their coffee cup in the sixth floor sink for three days”.
Reading the replies to those notes is always hilarious, but we’ve cooked
up some truly cringeworthy “reply all”s that would expose our
“relationship” to the office in terribly confusing ways.
But we kind of have to keep our jobs so...on the back burner it all goes.
Out
of all the schemes in all the stages of baked, one really stands out to
us as a money maker and a lifestyle. Child. Free. Days. We think every
restaurant/theme park/zoo/store/place in the world really, should have
days where children are not allowed to be there. Can you imagine the
bliss? The relative silence? The ability to curse without people staring
you down with murder eyes for perverting their innocent children’s
ears? Walking around without worrying about tripping over creatures
crawling on the floor? Since we can’t legislate good parenting, can we
just kick them all out for ONE DAY a week? Fine, a month? CAN YOU
IMAGINE A FLIGHT THAT DOESN’T ALLOW CHILDREN? We would pay so much extra
for that shit.
Keep. It.
Make it happen, internet.
Any other brilliant schemes we’re missing?
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