If you haven’t figured it out by now, we have quite a bit of time on our hands. Between fulfilling our job duties and managing our social obligations, we still end up with about four days worth of time with nothing to do but express our creative genius and talk shit to each other. If you weren’t jealous of our glamorous lives before, you definitely are now, sorry about that. Despite the outlet this blog has created for us, we’re full of schemes galore. Cooking up revenge fantasies for exes, ruining weddings, scamming our way into the professional world a la Bob Benson (minus the sexual slavery), etc.
We need to get out before we get this professional.
Nefarious schemes, one and all, none of which we can actually put into action without more or less destroying our integrity, and more importantly the moral high ground we seem to possess in every situation we encounter. We’re completely unbiased in that particular judgment call, of course, it just always happens that way! Crazy.
Many’s the time Anya has said “if only my job were more demanding, I wouldn’t have so much spare brainpower to spend on scheming and manipulation. It’s appalling how many fantastically evil things I have plotted and never put into action”. Alternatively, she could become a force for good but...ha. That’s boring. No, we’re not motivated by solving societal problems where the world’s greatest minds have failed. We’re more into coming up with some truly useless plots designed to make the world in our immediate vicinity more comfortable.
“Wouldn’t it be great if they had a thing where you just never had to leave the bathtub?” That kind of thing. “You know what we need? Something to just make us fall asleep at night without thinking and wake up feeling like a human at a reasonable hour. Like a nightmare zapper.” While those things will probably never come to fruition (guess we’re stuck with ineffective dream catchers and those trays you drape over your clawfoot tub to hold your erotica and/or snacks), we do have some slightly more thoroughly baked schemes in the making.
I’ll never leave!
If you make any of these ideas happen and somehow make a bunch of money off of them...throw us a few bones or we’ll sue your ass(es). Unless it’s the child free ones, in which case please send us an engraved invitation and a free pass for life and we’ll let it go.
Our first idea was born of our opportunistic tendencies mixed with the impeccable timing of The Libertarian’s job interview. He was trying to decide on a place in his house to have this Skype sesh, one that looked professional and didn’t expose his bunkbed/tractor lamp/
kitchen/landscape wallpaper to the world. Which we just did, yay! Smelling a chance to make a few bucks off of the millions of unemployed people, we decided to manufacture a line of boring Skype backgrounds that send the right message to interviewers. Messages like “Look at all of these books behind me, I am an Educated Person!” or “I wasn’t lying about living in the area, look at this notable landmark out my apartment window!” or “Let’s both pretend I don’t need this job, at least for the duration of the interview!” We’re open to branding ideas. (Any thoughts on names for this product?)
Or you can use them to get out of doing the job you already have.
You’ve already read about our fake engagement videos on YouTube plot, which may not be a money maker, but then again who knows? Maybe Wonderful Pistachios will give us a commercial...”Anya and Paul do it insincerely!”. Faking a relationship is a slippery slope (especially in these dark days where even your grandmother can use Facebook), but in our situation it’s hard to resist the temptation. The demographics of our office are such that while a handful of co-workers have fully grasped our asexual, opposite sex but completely platonic relationship for what it is, and understand why there is no chance it will go further, most of the others are...well...over fifty and Republicans that really like Paul and can’t imagine that he’s not chasin’ skirts. You can see why we want to fuck with these people, can’t you?
We’ve dreamt up the worst office relationship you can imagine: fights at the office, having flowers delivered from other people giving rise to fits of public sulking, jealous rage inspired by talks with co-workers, confiding in all the wrong people about our issues, mixed in with an unhealthy dose of togetherness. Most tempting of all are those emails that our co-workers far too often send to their entire address book, possibly because they don’t know exactly how to use our email system, more likely because they’re widening the passive aggressive net for “To whoever left their coffee cup in the sixth floor sink for three days”. Reading the replies to those notes is always hilarious, but we’ve cooked up some truly cringeworthy “reply all”s that would expose our “relationship” to the office in terribly confusing ways.
But we kind of have to keep our jobs so...on the back burner it all goes.
Out of all the schemes in all the stages of baked, one really stands out to us as a money maker and a lifestyle. Child. Free. Days. We think every restaurant/theme park/zoo/store/place in the world really, should have days where children are not allowed to be there. Can you imagine the bliss? The relative silence? The ability to curse without people staring you down with murder eyes for perverting their innocent children’s ears? Walking around without worrying about tripping over creatures crawling on the floor? Since we can’t legislate good parenting, can we just kick them all out for ONE DAY a week? Fine, a month? CAN YOU IMAGINE A FLIGHT THAT DOESN’T ALLOW CHILDREN? We would pay so much extra for that shit.
Make it happen, internet.Any other brilliant schemes we’re missing?