Friday, June 14, 2013

The Dating Survey

A few short years ago, Anya found herself single after a long period of turbulent relationship bullshittery (is there any other kind?). When she was ready to start taking applications for arm candy, Paul decided to help her out by developing a very sophisticated screening system, that would keep out the Cheating Bastards, the Never Gonna Happens, and the Don’t Waste My Times. Twas a valiant effort.

And now behold, what could be a very helpful tool in your personal life. Feel free to add your own incredibly pointed questions, it’s done wonders for Anya.


Do you pronounce your last name correctly?
Describe your penis. Does it have any quirks/faults/piercings/diseases?
Do you like Ginny Weasley?
Were you born and raised in another country?
Will your family make good in-laws?
While returning possessions to an ex, have you ever “accidently” mixed in items belonging to your current squeeze?
Do you act your age?
How many people have you slept with? / Have you slept with more people than Natalie Portman has?
Have you ever been on a daytrip to/vacationed in/owned property in Crazytown?
Are your friends lame?
Are you on any medications? Is yes, list what and why.
Do you have any pets? If so, do they hate sex?
Are you from the south?
Do you have an opinion on anything?
Where is the most exciting place you’ve traveled to?
Do you have any life goals? Do I fit into them?
Do you regularly brush your teeth?
Are you capable of communicating your thoughts/intentions/feelings?
Do you watch Fox News for any reasons other than providing laughter?
Are you willing to accept that I’m right about everything?
Do you sing? If yes, should you sing?
Are you a ginger?
Are you currently involved with anyone else?
Is your main goal in life to see as many nipples as possible?
Are you from [Hometown]?
Are you age appropriate for me?
Do we work together?
Do you subscribe to a diet that is wholly incompatible with mine? If so, can I cajole you into sharing ice cream with me anyway?
Everyone lies. Agree or disagree?
Have you ever attended a fishuneral? (A funeral for a fish). If so, how did you feel about the experience?
Do you want children?
Do you look like you would fit in with the cast of Jersey Shore?
Are you actually just trying to exploit my numerous resources?
Will you be able to cope with the fact that I generally hate humanity?

Honest to God answers that were turned in via social media (we’ve cut the blah yes’s and no’s because they’re boring):

suprisingly straight (referring to his dick. yup.)
if i tell them too (like you can boss your family into being good in-laws...once religious conservative dickheads, always religious conservative dickheads)
only if a Crazy Train runs through it (NO excuse for living in Crazy Town, sir)
y-and we limit his poontang (his cat’s...poontang.)
n fuck gingers (acceptable)
fuck [Hometown] it smells like dick cheese

Another gentleman caller:
fantastic (this is a heinous lie, also, it’s shocking how many of them will address the penis question)
n - older (acts older than his age? ha.)
nowhere really (not well traveled)
yes - probably, though that's a bit crazy to ask (YOU’RE crazy for thinking it’s crazy that I would like an idea of whether or not a relationship fits in with your long term life goals!)
yes. i am. fuck you paul. lol (this very eloquent “fuck you” sort of undermines his claims of emotional intelligence)
n - gingers scare me (funny how this works)

Even Lindsay says no to this shit.


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