Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Impossible Trifecta

Last week, we told you about our friend Swiss Miss, who thinks she’s basically the greatest human to live in recent history. It’s not a stretch to say that if you asked her, she would tell you that she’s prettier than Natalie Portman (because who likes brunettes? ugh), she’s smarter than that one guy who studies shit in space (because who cares?), and she’s nicer than anyone else she knows or has heard of, including Mother Teresa (just because she’s a nun, it doesn’t mean she’s the kindest, most generous soul evar). Her presence is a present, and all that.

No one man can have all that power.

What Swiss Miss doesn’t understand (well...that list is actually endless but ONE thing she definitely doesn’t understand) is that no one is genuinely nice, smart, AND pretty. It just doesn’t happen. Having spent an inordinate amount of time studying this phenomena, we are here to tell you exactly why no one is really the total package. The answer is so simple, and yet elegant in the way it captures the human condition. People are not all of these things because: it is way too much work for no discernible payoff except perhaps higher attendance at your funeral.

Yes, we know, it’s upsetting. Some of you are probably either saying “but I know someone who IS all three of those things!” or “I AM the total package!”. You are all lying. Sorry, not sorry. The important thing to remember is that all of these traits involve a spectrum, personal taste, etc. What we’re saying is that everyone is just enough of each to get by in life. Or they’re delusional and confused about why they have no friends/their coworkers hate them/their relationships never work out.

So here’s our hypothesis and reasoning:

You’ve all played The Sims. You know how you can assign points on each spectrum for their personalities? So when you make your Sim a genius, you have to sacrifice points in the neatness/social aptitude/work ethic category. That shit is real life, people. But here we have only three categories, and a much wider spectrum.

Everyone has to be at least one of these things to get through life. You can be extremely beautiful in a way that appeals to the vast majority of people but not terribly intelligent or nice (Kim Kardashian), you can be a genius who is also an ugly asshole (take your pick on this one), or you can be the kind of person about whom people say “but he’s so nice” (Xander Harris). All of these people have something to rely on in their dealings with other people. They all have currency, whether it’s sexual, intellectual, or moral.

“Hmm, I know you don’t, that’s ‘cause you’re my friend. You’re my Xander-shaped friend.”

You can be two of these things, and most people are, since they’re not on the extreme end of gorgeous or saintly. We would posit that this is why old people have a reputation for being assholes. They grew up relying on pretty/smart ratio that outweighed their personality, and never adjusted once their looks faded (I already know this is totally going to happen to me, and I’m fine with it. I look forward to being a bitchy old lady who is only nice to service people and her dogs. Like the Queen, if she were nice to service people).

Some people are smart enough to function in life, fairly normal looking, and generally nice people. They have extremely evenly distributed Sims points. And they’re boring. You can think of a dozen people like this off the top of your head, because there are millions of them in the world. Other people are good looking and nice, but kind of stupid. They’re nice to people because they know they can’t get by without some intellectual assistance. Still others are smart and nice, because they’re pretty heinous looking and they can’t get away with the kind of assholery that seems to come specifically with good looks. And then there’s our combo: apparently smart and pretty enough to get through life successfully despite the distinctly dark color of our hearts/souls. Anya’s mother despairs, but until she gets uglier or dumber, she doesn’t have to be nice.

Out of all of these traits, only once is choice (which is why my mother despairs that I don’t choose to be nicer). But, for once we will follow the logic of our co-workers and say “Why put in the work when I get everything I want without doing it?”. Embrace it, people!

But if you have enough money, you can be none of these things and apparently you’re still fine.


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