Monday, July 29, 2013

Honestly, How Do You Make Your Hair Do That?

Ok so we’re moving, and starting new jobs (hopefully) in a new place (definitely). Hooray! We’re upgrading to a New City, and some of us are feeling the stress. The Libertarian is already there, working away at his Real Job, wearing dress clothes and doing dry cleaning and matching his watches to his outfits like an Adult, and we’re more in this stage:

And I can assure you, I don’t look like this.

Just going to start with this text exchange so hopefully you can understand the level of lazy we reached this weekend:

ANYA: Can I wear peep toes shoes in a professional workplace in New City?
PAUL: Yep, as long as you’re prepared to do your little toesies
ANYA: Bah, ok fine. Or at least just the first three
PAUL: Lol right.

Yes, those last two toes are just TOO MUCH WORK. The fact that Paul was on board with this should be shocking to you, given the fact that he makes a habit of giving Anya’s...less put together looks...the once over with raised eyebrows and pursed lips. The thing is, somedays she just can’t be bothered to hunt down a chic pair of cigarette pants, some nice black heels, and a boatneck shirt to tie it all together. Any day? This is our state of affairs.

But there are ladies and gentlemen out there in the world, who wake up every morning and put themselves together. Sometimes in misguided attempts that make them look like orange floozies,or witches, or bros, but at least they’re trying?

And some of them are most definitely pulling. it. off. They know terms like “second day hair” and “highlighting and contouring”. They own products like “texturizing spray” and “pomade” and have tools that end in the word “wand”. Literal magic. And the thing is, we went through a sadly enormous chunk of our lives pretty sure that they just won some sort of genetic lottery, and had hair the likes of which we would never see, and they had it naturally.

Oh, just casual Friday

Well, times have changed, the internet has exposed the seedy underbelly of people who put in effort, and we would love to tell you that now Anya does her hair every day and has learned invaluable tips for making her eyes look bigger and her cheekbones more pronounced. Alas, no. Despite many a tutorial pinned and many a product available to her by virtue of her very put together sister, every goddamn day the girl goes to work with wet hair and let’s it “air dry” (how quaint) into a quasi-wave that evolves into a ponytail by mid-afternoon. Once she straightened her hair, and THREE CO-WORKERS commented in a way that suggested they were deeply impressed(surprised). A sad state of affairs indeed.

Here’s the thing though: how do you make your hair do these things? Does she need some sort of master/apprentice relationship to master the messy side fishtail bun? Why are we even doing things that require a black belt in hair?!

Step 1, have amazing hair, steps 2-4, be a unicorn, step 5, repeat step 1, step 6, SORCERY!

At the end of the day, it also comes down to the laziness you see at the top of the screen. You would be hard pressed to find a weekend that she’s not wearing jeans and a super lazy hairstyle because “What if I’m out doing activities and I see a dog that I need to pet! I can’t be all ‘not on my J. Crew’ to a puppy! What if I do my hair all perfectly and then I want to have afternoon sex? Then I’d have to do it AGAIN and I probably couldn’t get it quite right or have the requisite equipment and then I’m fucked both literally and figuratively!”

But, when better to change our ways than during a time when we’re facing general upheaval? Shouldn’t this move be the time to fix our (her) errant hair? Steps one (buy work shoes that are not moccasins) and two (purchase a straightener) are complete. Who wants to mentor Anya through difficult path ahead? (ha, get it?). She’ll pay you in puns! And on the plus side, has a very healthy head of hair, almost untouched by heat or product for the last twenty something years.


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