Monday, July 15, 2013

The Economics of Friendship

Today we’re tackling a topic that has torn asunder many a relationship. Friends, family, that “girl” that has been catfishing your ass on the internet for the past two years...whoever. What is it? Ca$h money. Or checks. Or electronic transfers. Fine, just currency.


If you’re old and internet savvy enough to have found our little blog, you’ve probably had some run ins with various financial scams in your day. Maybe you’ve overheard your parents arguing about whether or not to make another loan to some deadbeat in-laws. Maybe you’re always the one buying pitchers and shots at the bar from your deadbeat friends. Maybe you are the deadbeat friend but the only reason you aren’t buying rounds is that you loaned your small fortune to a Nigerian prince in trouble. He’ll totally pay you back bro, just give it time.

All of those situations can be tough and awkward, but nothing is worse than trying to extract money from friends/siblings/roommates that owe you, but have conveniently forgotten about their debt. Or worse, feel that they don’t owe you any money because of some mystery x factor that allows them to go through life never paying for things that they really want, or worse, “need”. Many’s the time Anya and her sister have each been keeping a secret mental tab of who put gas in the tank when, and how far they drove. They are both one hundred percent sure they are getting cheated by the other person’s wanton disregard for fueling the vehicle as needed, and yet it only comes to a head once every six months or so in a fight that would put most reality television show reunions to shame.

Let’s face it, some people are “tighter than bark on a tree” as parents might say, and don’t like coughing up the cash for anything, even if it’s their third of the electric bill. When Anya and Paul lived with Swiss Miss, she was so averse to putting out the dollaz for anything, that by the end of the term, she owed Anya over $100 for everything from her share of the monthly internet bill to pet care supplies. Hints to people trying to get out of paying what you owe to your roommates:

1) Don’t fucking do it. Don’t be that person!

2) If you are going to insist on doing it, you can claim that they actually owe you for things like “half of the gas that time you kept me company on a two hour long car ride back home to pick up my prescription” or “those shots I bought on your birthday that were really just a loan.”
Oh here, let me vomit them back up on you!

Taking interest into account, you now owe me 2.36 shots.

3) Vanishing off the face of the earth and refusing to take their phone call and emails is an option. This is decidedly less effective if the person you’re avoiding is a blood relative or coworker. Usually.

4) A tip for siblings: take credit for buying things that mom and dad actually paid for when tallying up the credits on either side. They gave you money for a tank of gas? YOU bought it. They purchased some vegan meals for you to eat for lunch and your sister took one? Bitch owes you five dollars. This is particularly helpful if you are the favored sibling (or the more manipulative one).

5) Roommates: Always advocate for grocery shopping together and splitting the bill. There is no easier way to cut corners on paying your fair share than to make an equal purchase and take more than half of the goods. Squirrel snack foods into your little hidey holes and munch away while your roomie is at work (someone has to support your food addiction!). If they suggest buying food separately, call them wasteful and point out how quickly the milk will spoil.

Unfortunately for your wallet/stomach, we’ve got a handle on fuzzy fractions.

Be prepared for the money lender you’ve crossed to take revenge in invisible but seriously disgusting ways. If you think we’ve never strongly considered peeing on someone’s toothbrush, you know nothing Jon Snow. So here’s our list of hints for those who are owed money by one of the miscreants taking the tips above:

Don’t fuck with wildings, their moral code is twisted, sister.

1) For the high maintenance: Dump out their eyelash glue the day of an important event. We have reason to believe it will not clog the sink, and they’ll be forced to go au naturel, which is apparently a serious challenge for some people. This is not acceptable if said person has alopecia, unless they are a seriously huge bitch. Alternatives including hiding bronzer, watering down mascara, and melting lipstick.

2) For the germophobic: Sneeze on their donuts, infect their contact solution with your pink eye germs (or those of a friend who has a very conveniently timed but disgusting infection), don’t stop your boyfriend from farting on their pillows (we know a lot of disgusting people, evidently. Not that ANY of this has EVER happened to ANYONE we know). Towels in shared bathrooms are also fair game.

3) Find a way to get the money back on your own, whether that means robbing their secret cash stash or selling their belongings on Craigslist. If they didn’t want their family heirlooms stolen out from under them, they should have paid you back for that birthday gift and the card you both signed.

4) Turn off the air conditioning in the unit until further notice. You maybe have to break off the switch of smash the control pad. Tough shit! Nothing would make us cough up money faster than life in an apartment that feels like the butterfly house at the zoo. Literally put them in hell until they pay you back. The trick here is making it look like the a/c break is an accident, while still sending the message that the solution is to pay their debts. We suggest writing on the fog that will be permanently cast over all glass surfaces in the house.

5) Be the bigger person and use normal, adult techniques like speaking directly to them about your issues. We tend to go with this option, and haven’t regretted it...much.


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